Questionably Content

Never Cry Werewolf (2008)

Directed by: Brenton Spencer

Starring: Nina Dorbev, Peter Stebbbings, Kevin Sorbo, Sean O'Neill

Plot: When 16-year-old Loren (Nina Dobrev) and her family greet a new neighbor a good-looking single guy and his dog she senses something mysterious and dangerous about him. Her suspicions become further aroused when some of the locals begin disappearing one by one. As Loren becomes obsessed with her neighbors behavior, she is unaware that he is monitoring her just as closely like a hungry wolf stalks its prey at night. With the help of local TV hunting show personality Redd Tucker (Kevin Sorbo) and a delivery boy with a secret crush on attractive Loren, the unlikely trio prepare for a full-moon showdown against an immortal creature with insatiable bloodlust. Taken from www.imdb.com.

This never happens

Werewolf movies is a sub-genre at horror so saturated with utter shit that even vampire movies have a better track record. I can literally name all of the good werewolf movies worth seeing right here and now: "The Wolf Man", "The Howling", "An American Werewolf in London", "Dog Soldiers", "Wolfen", "Silver Bullet", and "Ginger Snaps."

Now comes a movie that actually has the potential to not suck if only because it rips off the plot, ideas, and just about everything else from "Fright Night". We have the creepy neighbor who turns into a monster, the kid next-door who gets wrapped up in the plot to stop the monster, the cops who go to the monster's house and leave when the kid admits they believe he's a monster, the female who happens to look exactly like the ex girlfriend ofthe monster from centuries ago, the creepy yet endearing sidekick with weird nuances to his speech, said sidekick getting turned into a monster, the burnded out TV personality who is contacted to help but turns out to just be an actor then at the end comes to kick ass and chew bubblegum, admittedly the monster's room-mate has been replaced by a dog and things have been shuffled around a bit, but all the components of "Fright Night" save for the fact we're dealing with werewolves rather than vampires are still there.

Now, that being said, I'm not going to bring up the rip-off anymore. I can't find a single fucking review of this movie on the whole of the intertubes that actually reviews the movie, they all just talk about how much like "Fright Night" it is.

Loren Hansett (Nina Dobrev) believes her new neighbor Jared Martin (Peter Stebbings) is a werwolf. But her little brother Kyle (Spencer Van Wyck) starts hanging out at creepy Jared's house (which seems to suggest something far more disturbing than lycanthropy.) Finally she seeks to stop him with the help of Kyle's weird emo friend Steven (Sean O'Neill) and TV hunter Redd Tucker (Kevin Sorbo.)

"I've got some candy in my pocket, why don't you reach in there and grab it."

Okay so "acting" and "talent" aren't real valid words here but I'll give this a try. Nina Dobrev of "Degrassi: The Next Generation" (if you want an idea of what kind of talent you're dealing with here) is passable but still pretty bad in her role as Loren. Even well acted though, Loren would suck. She deduces she's dealing with werewolves after seeing Jared shut off a light and decides that fighting a werwolf is best done in hip huggers (complete with wallet chain) and a sports bra. And her big ace in the hole weapon is a crossbow with silverware wired to the bolts (even though we see her walk out of a store with a SPAS-12 shotgun that she used to great effect earlier on.)

Peter Stebbings plays the creepiest skeeviest man I think I have ever seen and seems to suggest that the movie should be called "Never Cry Sex Offender." But his skill does little beyond saying "this guy is creepy."

Kevin Sorbo is pretty much the only reason to watch this movie. Sorbo has proven to be a decent actor in the past but he's pretty weak here. Fortunately that's far from the point with Redd Tucker. He serves as a nice campy addition to a movie that takes itself far too seriously. Unfortunately Redd just isn't cool enough to save the movie and never even really has a moment of triumph. It's rather dissappointing.

Apparently killing a werewolf only works if you're dressed like a lesbian biker from a 70s movie.

The effects can best be described as okay. The demon dog look pretty good for a CG model and when Sean O'Neill becomes halfway transformed looking more like something out of "Black Sheep" than an actual werewolf it really works.

Unfortunately the actual werewolf looks rather dissappointing below the neck. While the actual head looks fine, the body looks like a gorilla made to look like a wolf with claws. The fact that good effects are seen in the movie serves to make the actual effects all the more disappointing.

It's good to see that CG dog from "Resident Evil" still getting work.

The story is as I said ripped off pretty much entirely from "Fright Night" but that's not really a bad thing. In fact it's one of the film's redeeming qualities. Part of the problem is that it tries to copy it so much that the werwolf is essentially a vampire.

Did you know that werewolves can transform at will by using a charm made from the skin of a hanged criminal? Did you know that werewolves hated fire? Did you know that if you're bit by a werewolf you can go back to normal if the werewolf that bit you is killed before the firt full moon? Neither did anybody else. You know why? The film-makers pulled it all out of their ass to make the werewolf seem more interesting.

This complemented by the bland line-reading and the fact that every time the movie actually does something right it manages to mess it up.

Of course the most disappointing part of the movie is how underutilized Kevin Sorbo is. Red Tucker has the potential to be a Peter Vincent or Edgar Frog or Reggie, but instead they opt to just make him a coward and doesn't even manage to accidently succeed at doing one cool thing.

"Does this look infected to you?"

It's cheaply made, acted, and the writing is almost entirely ripped off but it's still fun and better than most werewolf movies manage to be. It's fun but little else. But hey... it's better than "Lost Boys 2."

I give "Never Cry Werewolf" a 3 out of 5. It's good for those $1 video rental machines and that's the only way you should watch it.