Punisher: War Zone (2008)


Directed by: Lexi Alexander

Starring: Ray Stevenson, Dominic West, Doug Hutchinson

Other Actors of Note: Wayne Knight

Plot: After hunting down and killing hundreds of violent criminals, Frank Castle, aka The Punisher, faces his most deadly foe yet: Jigsaw.

It's no coincidence that he looks like Steven Seagal here.

I didn't know what to expect coming into this movie. Having not seen anything by Lexi Andrews, anything with Ray Stevenson, or even a trailer my mind was pretty blank walking into this one. Still, I wasn't quite expecting this.

This is the second Punisher reboot following the criminally underrated and misunderstood (we'll get to that in a minute) 2004 movie starring Thomas Jane and a phoned in John Travolta and an 80s movie starring Dolph 'Drago' Lundgren which is actually a decent film so long as you pretend it's not supposed to be an adaptation of the comic book.

Anyway Ray Stevenson is Frank Castle AKA the Punisher a vigilante with a chip on his shoulder and a stick up his ass who either broods, mopes, or tears shit up. He used to have emotions but he doesn't anymore (I'm fairly certain he killed them. With his bare hands.) His family died at a picnic when they witnessed a mob killing and he was reported dead too but he wasn't dead and nobody found out because... that's never really explained. Anyway Frank is so downtrodden over the loss of his family that he beats anything even resembling crime into a bloody sauce. He's so intimidating that villains only ever shoot him in his kevlar vest, he's also 8 and a half feet tall and made of rusty steel, he has barbed wire for teeth, chainsaws for fingers, and Tom Selleck for a cock.

Anyway the badguy from "300" (the one that looks like Mark Wahlberg, not the oen that looks like Dhalsim) aka Dominic West aka Billy "The Beaut" Rissoti is a mobster that is very vane and tends to check himself out in the mirror all the time. (Gee, I wonder if he ends up horribly scarred and ugly later in the movie as a half-assed lesson about the dangers of vanity, hmm)

Well the Punisher crashes this big mob party and kills people so quickly and brutally that Jason Voorhees would either be proud or jealous. (He cuts a guy's head off with one swipe from a kabar, I mean I know they're sharp but come on) But Billy gets away and Frank tracks him to a recycling plant.

He then kills, like, fucking everybody and tosses Billy into a big glass recycling machine and turns it on where it strangely enough only tears his face to shit rather than turning him into cole slaw. Naturally he comes back with a vengence, kills some people, holds a woman and child hostage, kidnaps Newman, and has a crazy brother (aptly named Loony Bin Jim as he is in an asylum and is named Jim) who he breaks out. Also there's some Jamaican guy and his partners that figure into this whole mess somehow (It's Maginty from the Punisher Max series but there's really no reason for him to even be in the movie) but they're pretty superflous.

Magnum PInis

Ray Stevenson looks the part of Frank Castle just like Steve Dillon draws him as a weird combination of Steven Seagal and Clive Owen. Unfortunately since Ray Stevenson has all the eloquent speech patterns of Lou Ferigno he doesn't even utter a single word until about 20 minutes into the movie (thus further enforcing the Jason comparison) and seeing as how Ennis' overly tedious monologue that rivaled that of anything from "Sin City" can't be spoken by Frank he reads more like The Saint of Killers with a skull painted on his chest. I'm told Stevenson can act which is why I'm wondering why he didn't do much of it at all during this movie. He mostly just looks alternatively bored or mopey for the entire film. The big problem is we see that Frank was a happy family man but mostly he just seems like a major cunt and you don't believe that he was once a decent guy just maybe a slightly lesser cunt.

Dominic West in much the same way that Heath Ledger beat the hell out of Christian Bale's remarkably unremarkable performance in "The Dark Knight" is the real show stopper here. Jigsaw is waaaaay beyond over the top and even kind of comes close to Ledger's Joker in tone and style. My big problem with West's performance was his accent, his Italian accent sounded fake but then again that may have been intentional given the style of this movie. Jigsaw looks something like a cross between Mason Verger and Leatherface and actually kind of acts like that as well. Jigsaw's origin has been changed to Frank accidently not killing him after dropping him into a glass bottle recycler (because apparently having The Punisher filet his face with a combat knife was deemed too family friendly.)

Doug Hutchinson (AKA the dick-head prison guard from "The Green Mile") plays Jigsaw's brother Loony Bin Jim. If West's accent was bad Hutchinson's is far worse and his job is mainly to kill off characters in the most batshit crazy ways possible and inflict physical harm upon himself, you know, just 'cause. Still, however pointless the character is, Hutchinson plays him well.

Wayne Knight (AKA Newman from Seinfeld) plays Linus Lieberman AKA MicroChip a character that hasn't been seen in the comics since the 90s, mostly because he kinda sucked and was only really there to answer the ever present question of "Where the fuck does he get all these guns?" Thus the character has been relegated to "likeable side-kick who will die before this movie ends." No less, Knight (an actor who I have liked in.... hmm... nothing) actually does a really good job (though he seems to be channeling Penn Jillette) and manages to be likeable (which is no small feat seeing as I hate both character and actor.)

Dash Mihok plays Martin Soap, a character that will be more than familiar to people like me who lovingly recall Garth Ennis' run on Marvel Knights Punisher. Mihok plays the character near perfectly he's just as much of an unlucky doofus as is expected the problem is while the character starts out like he did in the comics we find out he's actually an ally of the Punisher which kinda bothered me (probably more than it should have, really) especially since there obviously won't be a Daredevil around constantly trying to throw Frank in jail.

T.J. Storm plays a Maginity, a lover of parkour who is 1/2 Jamaican and 1/2 Irish (and 1/2 Pirate judging by the horrible accent) and plays a role of no importance at all in this movie. You thought Harry Heck and The Russian were pointless fan-service? You ain't seen nothing yet.

Frank Castle once beat Chuck Norris. To death. With Jean Claude Van Damme.

Okay let's get this out of the way since you cunts are going to whine about this review anyway. The 2004 version was still a better movie. I get to hear oh so much about how "it wasn't really the Punisher" and "Thomas Jane spends most of the movie whining and drinking" and "he spends more time breaking up Howard Saint's marriage than killing people" bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch.

First of all, the 2004 film was an origin story as many times as the Punisher has been changed and brought back his origin has only been covered in detail one time and even that was pretty piss-poor (It was the 70s after all.)

No, Thomas Jane's character was not The Punisher, he was Frank Castle. He didn't actually become the Punisher until the end of the movie (in fact if you would shut your goddamn cock holster and listen Jane's last lines: "Frank Castle is dead, I am The Punisher" spell it out for you in blue crayon) it's a detailing of his journey for revenge ultimately culminating in him losing any spark of compassion and humanity he had left and essentially becoming a modernized version of "The Man With No Name" with just a tiny bit of Travis Bickle sprinkled in there to make it intersting. Yes he drank and he moped and he felt like shit, but come on his entire extended fucking family just died like two months ago give the guy some time for Christ sake. He could have just instantly gone emotionless and became The Punisher but that's something that industry buffs call "Bad writing."

And yes, Frank didn't kill Quentin Glass or Olivia Saint but seeing as neither of them actually killed his family and it was Howard Saint he really had the beef with for calling out the order he was not simply content to kill everyone he loved, he wanted to make it hurt especially bad so he set it up to where Howard did the dirty work and thus realized he had killed the people he loved in cold blood. (It would have had better effect if John Travolta wasn't such a terrible fucking actor.)

Now if you liked Punisher Max, you'll probably like Stevenson. He reads as a Steven Seagal character which is pretty much how Garth Ennis writes Frank Castle. He kills bad people, that's pretty much it. I have never been pleased with that aspect of Ennis' take on the character as it's rather shallow, particularly from a writer who pulled 1/6 of a comic series on the characterization of someone called "Arseface." I've always felt that versioin of the Punisher was weak, but if you're an Ennis fanboy or you just don't like to complicate your action heroes with all those pussy feelings than Stevenson is the man for you. (The honestly Stevenson spends far more time moping around than Jane did, at least Jane had the decency to drink while doing it, half the time I expected Stevenson to be balled up in the corner cranking Linkin Park so hard his ears bled.)

"Punisher: War Zone" is more gory than "Rambo" (I feat I didn't expect to be achieved, at least not this soon), more overstylized than "The Dark Knight", and more over-the top and cheesy than "Shoot 'Em Up."

It's essentially Punisher MAX mixed with the old Punisher: War Journal comics from the 80s and 90s. All the dialogue is horribly written (They actually managed to top "God's gonna sit this one out!") and every single scene is fraut with camp. Of course this isn't a bad thing, but what's troubling is there's a fair amount of the movie that is supposed to be taken seriously.

The style of the writing is almost straight up Garth Ennis, the problem is while that works in print it doesn't work so much in movies. Ennis' style goes from surreally ridiculous to deadly serious in the blink of an eye and while this works in comics it's not so succesful acted out. Oh sure there's a lot of moments that just come as a surprise and crap all over typical action movie traditions but at the same time it uses a fair amount of them. (I swear the director consulted the Steven Seagal Guide to Action Sequences more than once on this one.)

It's also painfully obvious this is a Lionsgate film by the cinematography, the over-the-top gore, and the fact that Jigsaw's origin looks like something out of one of the "Saw" films. It's dark, every frame is usually saturated with a lot of red or green side lighting and if they go five minutes without someone dying horribly then something's wrong.

Much like Tim Bradstreet's art portfolio, google images was filled with nothin but pictures of The Punisher looking broody and ashy all shrouded in shadows.

"Punisher: War Zone" is a fun cheesy action movie that unfortunately aspires to be more than that. It's fun but little else, relying more on guns and gusto than character development or plot, it's too hard to take seriously when you're supposed to. No less it's not a bad movie just not particularly great and it makes me miss Thomas Jane.

I give "Punisher: War Zone" a 4 out of 5. It's worth seeing.

Bolt (2008)


Directed by: Byron Howard and Chris Williams

Starring: John Travolta, Susie Essman, Mark Walton, Miley Cyrus

Other Actors of Note: James Lipton, Malcolm McDowell, Deidrich Bader,

Plot: The canine star of a fictional sci-fi/action show that believes his powers are real embarks on a cross country trek to save his co-star from a threat he believes is just as real. Taken from www.imdb.com.


I already shared my opinion on computer animated films in my "Madagascar 2" review. This is a Disney computer animated film, not to be confused with a Disney/Pixar animated film. Disney is famous for such crap as "Dinosaur", "The Wild", and "Meet the Robinsons."

I went and saw "Bolt" because "Twilight" had already started (and because I didn't really want to see it anyway) and "Transporter 3" wasn't on for another hour. I went in with low expectations and it worked out pretty well for me.

Did you see "Toy Story"? Well then you've pretty much seen "Bolt". It's the story of Bolt (John Travolta) and his owner Penny (Miley Cyrus) who star on a show that seems to be trying really hard to not look exactly like "Kim Possible."

The key to the show's success is that Bolt doesn't know it's a show. He honestly thinks Penny gets in danger every week and he's able to save her. But when an unfortunate turn of events ends with Bolt out in the real world he teams with an unlikely group consisting of a racqueteering cat named Mittens (Susie Essman) and a nerdy hamster in a ball named Rhino (Mark Walton) to go cross-country and be re-united with Penny.


John Travolta is surprisingly good in this. I am deeply dissatisfied with Travolta's performance in every film that hasn't been based on an Elmore Leonard novel (and yes, I'm counting "Pulp Fiction") I find him to be dweeby and annoying but as Bolt he actually fits the part perfectly, something I didn't even begin to see happening.

Miley Cyrus is thankfully not a big part of this movie. She's about as important to the story as Andy was in "Toy Story." She does do a decent job as Penny and manages to not be annoying which is a miracle for the spawn of Billy Ray Cyrus.

Susie Essman, who I have strangely never heard of, does a fairly good job as Mittens, a declawed cat running an extortion operation with some pigeons in New York City. She plays the straight-man Woody to Bolt's delusional Buzz Lightyear.

Finally the real show stealer is Mark Walton (who I swore was Jim Gaffigan by his voice) as Rhino, a nerdy fan-boy hamster who shares Bolt's delusion that the dog's exploits are real. He's the funniest character for sure and one particular scene where Bolt tells him there's a guard and he marches around the corner proclaiming "I'll snap his neck." is one of Rhino's finer moments.


The animation for this show is okay, not great but it doesn't fall under that terrible fucking Dreamworks animation either. It's about the quality of "Toy Story" and "A Bug's Life". However it never becomes a problem, the animation style fits the movie and it works.


"Bolt" is for all intents and purposes just "Toy Story" with pets. Bolt is the Buzz Lightyear character who is trapped in the delusion that he is anything more than an actor while Mittens plays the real pet trying to point out that he's just a dog. Naturally Bolt finds out he's not super and gets all downtrodden and then Mittens teaches him how to be a real dog as they go to find Bolt's owner Penny who he has become lost from.

This fact should not detract from the quality of the film, however. As much as you've already seen it before, it's still fun and interesting if albeit cliched. It's a kid's movie for sure but it's still sprinkled with enough "in" jokes to please older audiences as well. One inparticular involving a trio of pigeons pitching a script idea to Bolt and one saying "Don't get too excited, this is how we lost Nemo" had all the adults and none of the kids in the audience busting out in laughter.

It's a nice return to form for Disney as they haven't had a good animated film since "Treasure Planet" in 2002. There's nothing parituclarly special about it but it never seems to matter.


"Bolt" is probably the best non-Pixar computer animated film made to date. It presents nothing new or exciting but it's still a lot of fun for people of any age.

I give "Bolt" a 5 out of 5. See it.

Australia (2008)

Directed By: Baz Luhrmann

Starring: Hugh Jackman, Nichole Kidman, Brandon Walters, David Wenham

Plot: In northern Australia prior to World War II, an English aristocrat inherits a cattle station the size of Maryland. When English cattle barons plot to take her land, she reluctantly joins forces with a rough-hewn stock-man to drive 2,000 head of cattle across hundreds of miles of the country's most unforgiving land, only to still face the bombing of Darwin, Australia, by the Japanese forces that had attacked Pearl Harbor only months earlier. Taken from www.imdb.com.


If you've done something good even once in your life that's gotten you important enough to have name recognition then from that point on you can pretty much turn out whatever shit you want and people will eat it like hungry dogs. Sony does it, Mike Myers does it, and lets not even get started on Alan Moore.

"Australia" is by all means a movie of great ambition. Throwing caution and common sense to the wind it's a Western, a World War 2 Movie, a Romance, and a Drama, with elements of Comedy thrown in to make it interesting.

Basically there's a small cattle ranch in Australia called Faraway Downs that is the only competition against the local cattle seller. We meet plucky fish out of water Sarah Ashley (Nichole Kidman), Obligatory Man-With-No-Name Drover (Hugh Jackman), adorable kid who is only slightly less annoying than Short Round, Nullah (Brandon Walters), and despicable cattle baron King Carney (Bryan Brown) complete with weasly two-faced henchman Fletcher (David Wenham.)

They have to "drove" cattle (because aparrently in 1940s Australia they had yet to master verb tenses) to a ship for a military order before King Carney can fill his. Naturally some shit goes down, I mean come on the poster involves Hugh Jackman angrilly whipping fire!

However you'll soon find that the movie is very low on fire whipping and in fact has no gunfights, but you know, it works. The movie ends and there's triumph and fun to be had by all, but what's this? The movie isn't over? Well surely this is just an epilogue! FUCK NO IT'S NOT! The film goes on for another hour and at least 6 more endings before the screenwriter finally puts a bullet in its head to stop all its flailing.


Hugh Jackman in the first half of this movie seems to be channeling Clint Eastwood. His character is the typical man with no name who seems to sweat testosterone and bleed lesser men, he even manages to pull off that cock-eyed half-squint Eastwood always does and does the voice nearly perfect. He's the average story, prefers a life of freedom, has compassion for "insert minority here" because his late wife was an "insert minority here." However even when the movie seems to nosedive into the "what the fuck, this is still playing?" zone he manages to be interesting.

Nichole Kidman has admitted that she did not read the script before signing on to the movie and did it simply because Baz Luhrmann was directing. This makes sense as I'm fairly certain that what is in the movie is a cardboard cut-out of Nichole Kidman that's moved around as she reads her lines over the phone. While it's no surprise that Kidman is phoning in her performances at this point (Seeing as how she's been doing it for almost 10 years now) it's somehow more annoying this time.

David Wenham goes from sniveling assistant to main bad guy in the second act of this train wreck. He's menacing but his heart never seems to be in it, perhaps if he were wearing an eye patch and carrying a spear I would have been more enthralled with his performance.

Brandon Walters as Nullah is supposed to be the main character of this piece judging by the fact that he narrates, but honestly the entire movie could exist without him and we'd barely notice. It seems he was kept in more for charisma and cuteness and to detract from Nichole Kidman's atrocious acting.


There's something to be said for telling a story in a quick manner. While I respect directors being uncompromising about their visions I've yet to see a movie that doesn't involve Hobbits nearing the 3 hour mark that didn't have a bunch of uneccesary pointless shit that could have easily been left out. (I'm looking at you "Dark Knight")

The thing is, I didn't just like "Australia", I fucking loved it. It was a new spin on the western formula. Okay sure it was formulaic, just change the setting to Arizona, the time frame to the 1800s, and the Aboriginies to Indians and you've got a Western. The problem is the Western ends and the movie has the audacity to continue.

Now I'll admit I like a good World War 2 movie as much as the next person, I also like a good Drama/Romance as much as the next person. The problem is while the adjectives apply, the word "good." doesn't enter into the picture.

Where the formulaic nature of the narrative was charming for the Western portion of the film it proves tedious and annoying for the latter parts. In fact, Luhrmann might as well have named the movie "Chlich'e." Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, is absolutely 100% predictable and I garuntee you've seen it all in some other movie.

So why are people getting their rocks off and calling the "Casablanca for a new Generation?" The answer you seek lies in whose name is on the directing credit. Now don't get me wrong, "Moulin Rouge!" was great so long as you like musicals and "Romeo + Juliet" is probably the only context in which I have ever enjoyed that particular Shakespeare play. But face it people, Luhrmann got a little too excited, decided to do a little too much and made a movie that really isn't all that good.

After having seen this movie I still have trouble wrapping my mind around how this movie even exists, the entire thing seems like a horribly bad idea and the very concept of someone doing this willingly is disturbing to no end. I'm told you have to be a Baz Luhrmann fan to enjoy this movie, which makes no sense, there's no "style" present here. The movie seems to have been phoned in by the screenwriter, cinematographer, director, and most of the cast.


"Australia" is charming and fun so long as you stop it at the halfway point, otherwise you'll watch a bloated cautionary tale abotu the dangers of being a stuck-up-your-own-arse director being overly ambitious about your movie.

I give "Australia" a 2 out of 5.

Madagascar 2: Escape 2 Africa (2008)


Directed by: Eric Darnell and Tom McGrath

Starring: Ben Stiller, Chris Rock, Jada Pinkett Smith, David Schwimmer

Other Actors of Note: Sacha Baron Cohen, Cedric the Entertainer, Andy Richter, Bernie Mac, Alec Baldwin, Phil LaMarr

Plot: The sequel to 2005's "Madagascar", in which New York Zoo animals, Alex the Lion, Marty the Zebra, Melman the Giraffe and Gloria the Hippo, still stranded on Madagascar, start to leave the island. All of a sudden, they land in the wilderness of Africa, where Alex meets the rest of his family, but has trouble communicating with them after spending so much time at the Central Park Zoo. Taken from www.imdb.com.

"Don't look Doll, 'Shrek Goes Fourth' will be out soon."

There are two kinds of Computer Animated movies. There are Pixar movies and then there's everybody else. Fully CG movies are nothing new any more and have generally lost all novelty but for some reason most studios fail to be able to pull it off with non-Pixar hits ranging from mediocre ("Open Season", "Flushed Away", "Dinosaur") to godawful ("The Wild", "Doogal") with "Shrek" being the one exception to the rule.

"Madagascar" was a movie that could be best described as "okay" it was a sea of mediocrity speckled with a few rare chunks of genuine humor tossed in. However the sequel looked promising as the trailer was catchy and Etan Coen (who co-wrote "Tropic Thunder" and whom I found out only recently is a seperate entity from Ethan Coen) wrote the script so I grabbed my coat and sped off to the $5 theater to give Dreamworks another chance to not suck. I should have taken it as an omen when I totalled my truck by hitting the biggest goddamn deer this Earth has ever produced on the way to the theater. Still I was strangely optimistic, you could say that I was... questionably content... (I was ominous just there.)

So this movie picks up where the first left off with Alex (Ben Stiller), Marty (Chris Rock), Melman (David Schwimmer), Gloria (Jada Pinkett Smith), and the penguins: Skipper (Tom McGrath), Kowalski (Chris Miller), Private (Chris Miller), and Mason (Conrad Vernon) leaving Madagascar to go back to New York.

Naturally things go terribly wrong and hijinks ensue and the ragtag group (along with Lemur King Julian (Sacha Baron Cohen) and his henchman Maurice (Cedric the Entertainer) end up in Africa where, if you actually stayed awake long enough for the first movie, you'll recall they were headed to in the fucking first place.

Unfortunately they wind up in some pseudo "The Lion King" on an animal reserve while an old Jewish lady conquers to wilds and small flightless birds rock out to "Boston."

"No seriously, we're cool. No further sequels are necessery from this point on."

Pretty much all the performances are the same here, the four leads are well below par even for their incredibly waning careers and that goes for pretty much everyone except Alec Baldwin who is always horrible in everything that isn't "30 Rock." He essentially plays Scar only minus the scar and with a haircut that could only be worn by a gay German hairdresser named Bruno.

The few exceptions include Sacha Baron Cohen who is as entertaining as he was the first go-round as King Julian.

This is yet another dud performance for the late Bernie Mack whose genius was sadly rarely realized before his unfortunate demise. (Ah well, we'll always have Bobby Bolivia...)

The Penguin Christmas special that came with the original "Madagascar" DVD was pretty much the only reason to buy the movie so it comes as no surprise that once again the penguins are the main, and pretty much only, reason to watch. When they're onscreen the movie is good and you feel you're watching something great, and then we go back to the main characters and you find yourself glancing at your watch.

The average aftermath of an American Airlines flight.

The CG in this film is pretty poor even for a cheaper made movie. Everything is clunky and cartoonish in a way that seems unintentional putting the quality only slightly over that of the original "Toy Story" this is also exacerbated by the fact that the character models are mostly all bland and uninspiring.

Tonight on Night Line NBC: Furries and the sick shit they're into.

"Madagascar 2" is pretty creatively bankrupt storyline-wise. Alex and Marty still struggle with their burgeoning gay inter-racial relationship bu this time with a dash of racism when we find out that all zebras look and sound exactly alike. I'm sure they also survive on a steady diet of fried chicken, watermelon, and red Kool Aid as well.

Meanwhile we deal with the giraffe and the hippo falling in love which is more than a little weird when you give it actual thought. Pretty much nothing else happens as the "villain" of the story is only slighltly more profound than the mangy lion things from the first movie.

A few moments of comedy are spot on and well done (I think maybe two of them don't actually involve penguins) but it's just another lovely dumbed down movie to feed our kids, though admittedly it's a fairly decent one. The thing is, there's nothing really wrong with "Madgascar 2" there's just nothing particularly right about it.

They just saw the trailer for "The Tale of Despereaux"

"Madagascar 2" is just another of Dreamworks Animation's spectacularly unspectacular movies that most people will rent at Red Box and never watch again.

I give "Madagascar: This Poster Is Ambiguous as to The Location of the Letter 2" a 3 out of 5.

OSS 117: Cairo, Nest of Spies (2006 International, 2008 US)


Directed by: Michel Hazanavicius

Starring: Jean Dujardin, Berenice Bejo, Philippe Lefebvre

Plot: The main plot starts with the disappearances of an OSS agent, Jack Jefferson, and a Russian cargo ship in Cairo. Agent OSS 117 is sent to investigate the events, since he and agent Jefferson share a history, shown in a short opening sequence and in flashbacks throughout the film. OSS 117 stumbles into a web of international intrigue, that involves the French, separate factions of Egyptians, Russians, a goofy Belgian spy and even Neo-Nazis of the first hour. Taken from www.wikipedia.org.

Imagine if you a will a movie that combines the overly rude and outrageousness of "The Pink Panther", the less over-the-top gags of "The Naked Gun", and the bumbling spy parody of "Get Smart." Now imagine this movie is French, and you have "OSS 117."

For those not in the know, "OSS 117" is a series of French spy novels wrtiten by Jean Bruce that predates Ian Fleming's "James Bond" series by 4 years. Now while the series was deadly serious this movie is a parody along the lines of the original "Casino Royale" (the one starring Peter Sellers and David Niven) where it uses the actual character but in a more humorous fashion.

After a black and white opening sequence involving a mustachioed 117 karate chopping a Nazi and throwing him out of a plane. (The way any movie should begin, really.) We are treated to a sequence of 117 in a bed with a sexy Egyptian princes wherupon she tries to kill him and then they tussle and he subdues her and then naturally has sex with her at her own wish. (AKA the way every single Sean Connery "Bond" film started)

Then he gets sent to the Cairo (because he is an expert on the Middle East) to find his missing partner, Jack. Upon arriving he pisses off a Muslim extremist group, some Nazis, and pretty much everybody else.

Jean Dujardin is fucking brilliant in the role of Hubert de La Bath/OSS 117, he is like a combination of Peter Sellers, Sacha Baron Cohen, and a young Leslie Nielsen. Which fits as he's more or less playing a sick amalgam between Inspector Clousseau, Maxwell Smart, and Frank Drebin. He has a certain cheeky pride in himself but at the same time he's also an aboslute jackass. One of the big jokes is that for an expert on the Middle East he knows relatively nothing about the culture. At one point this exchange happens:

I was woken by a guy screaming on a tower. I couldn't sleep. I had to shut him up."

(Shocked tone) "A muezzin? You `shut up' a muezzin?! He was calling for prayer!!"

(Bemusedly) "Yours is a strange religion. You'll grow tired of it...it won't last long."

Berenice Bejo plays the typical "I'm your enemy, I'm not your enemy, lets do it!" love interest found in just about every spy film. She's as two dimensional as her character requires and it works for her.

Phillipe Lefebvre plays Hubert's partner Jack. Most of his appearances in the movie are via flashback. Every time Jack's name is mentioned Hubert very nostalgically says "Jack..." and drifts off to a flashback in which the two are standing on a beach in swimming trunks participating in some extremely homoerotic activity.

One of the finer things about this movie is the way it is filmed. With the exception of some very obvious CGI skeletons every single from of this movie looks like it was filmed in the 1960s. No steady cam, the car scenes are obviously filmed on a sound stage with a fake background, and the film quality has that nostalgic "old" look.

The film is one of the more subtle jabs at old spy movies. But there are several other jokes like the obligatory foot chase scene where Hubert actually gets lost in the streets of Cairo and has to ask for directions to find his way back, a scene where Hubert and a masked assailant have a fight by throwing live chickens at one another, and a Neo-Nazi unfurling the damsel in distress by pulling away a giant Nazi flag but accidently tearing it in the center and going "Shit."

Of course much of the humor comes from the title character such as when the Muezzin does the morning prayer and Hubert opens the window and goes "Shut the fuck up, I'm trying to sleep!" and a recurring joke about Hubert messing with the chickens by turning the lights on and off.

The big difference between Hubert and Jacques Clousseau or Maxwell Smart (the original one anyway) is that aside from being a stupid ignorant jackass he is rather good at what he does. He is actually good at fighting and shooting and its that cheeky arrogance he has about it that makes it so wonderfully delightful to watch. One scene he is attacked in a hotel room and as he is dispatching the would-be assassin he turns to the woman in the room and says "I love to fight."

The music is all period pieces and all independently composed. However they missed out by not having some overdramatized song that ties in with the title of the movie sung by some flash-in-the-pan artist over the opening credits like what was parodied in the Zucker Brothers comedy "Spy Hard" (Sung by Weird Al Yankovic and sadly the best part of the whole movie) But otherwise the tongue is planted firmly in cheek and executed perfectly.

"OSS 117: Cairo, Nest of Spies" is one of the finest comedies I've seen in some time. And really puts it to movies like "Austin Powers" to show that you can parody spy films and appeal to an audience that's not A) 13 or B) A douchebag.

I give "OSS 117: Cairo, Nest of Spies" a 5 out of 5. It's a lot of fun and if you can get over the fact that you'll have to read subtitles you'll see that its worlds better than what you're used to.

RocknRolla (2008)


Directed by: Guy Ritchie

Starring: Gerard Butler, Idris Elba, Tom Hardy, Toby Kebbell, Ludacris, Thandie Newton, Jeremy Piven, Karel Roden, Mark Strong, Tom Wilkinson

Plot: In London, a real-estate scam puts millions of pounds up for grabs, attracting some of the city's scrappiest tough guys and its more established underworld types, all of whom are looking to get rich quick. While the city's seasoned criminals vie for the cash, an unexpected player -- a drugged out rock 'n' roller presumed to be dead but very much alive -- has a multi-million dollar prize fall into his hands. Taken from www.imdb.com.


Explaining the plot to a Guy Ritchie film is like describing string theory to a bunch of blind and deaf cavemen whilst speaking only in Pig Latin. No less, for all 2 of you who read this (by the way, thanks Mom and Dad) I will try.

The entire story is narrated by Archie (Mark Strong) the head goon of old school London gangster Lenny Cole (Tom Wilkinson) who deals in getting building contracts illegally. Through an example of how Cole does business we're introduced to The Wild Bunch, consisting of One Two (Gerard Butler), Mumbles (Idris Elba), and Handsome Bob (Tom Hardy) who are promptly fucked over by Cole and owing him some money.

So we flash to another business deal between cole and Russian new school gangster Uri (Karel Roden) who loans Cole his lucky painting (a McGuffin that was perhaps the contents of the suitcase in "Pulp Fiction" as we never fucking get to see it) which is then promptly stolen by Cole's step-son, rocker and namesake of this film, Johnny Quid (Toby Kebbell).

Meanwhile Uri tries to get $70,000 through his money laundering accountant Stella (Thandie Newton) who unknown to Uri is looking for a bit of excitement in her life and promptly has the money stolen, twice no less, by the Wild Bunch.

Meanwhile Cole has Archie on the trail of Johnny Quid who has faked his own death and they threaten two talent executives, Mickey (Jeremy Piven) and Roman (Ludacris), who have to track down Quid or all of their venues will be shut down.


Gerard Butler plays One Two, also known as "the role Jason Statham would be playing if he wasn't being a stupid tit and starring in movies where he finds different ways to kick people in the face for 2 hours." No less, Butler is one of the highlights of the film. It's nice seeing him play a lighthearted part instead of a Spartan king with giant teeth, or a vampire, or a deformed opera enthusiast, or Beowulf. One Two is easily the second most entertaining character in the film, more on that later.

Tom Wilkinson is more than passable as Leonard Cole, but lets be honest, he's no Brick Top. He's not as memorable, entertaining, or as menacing as Alan Ford. In fact Wilkinson usually just seems like a moron, which is I guess part of his character but it comes across as a bit disappointing.

Mark Strong is I guess touted as the main character of the movie as Archie. But the thing is, Archie doesn't really have a big part in the story. However, he's twice as menacing and interesting than Cole and Uri together.

Speaking of Uri, he seems more like the bad guy from "Beerfest" than an actual villain. As far as Russian mobsters go he's probably the least threathening one I have ever seen.

Thandie Newton in the role of Stella is a good reminder of why Guy Ritchie rarely uses female characters. Newton is as always sickeningly adorable and a decent actor but the role (as most of hers seem to) seems to utilize her looks moreso than any acting talent she might have and by the time the movie's over she feels like more of a bit part than a character.

Jeremy Piven and Ludacris are fairly entertaining as Mickey and Roman respectively. Honestly they have a bigger part then I would have expected them to and Ludacris does a much better job in this film than he did in "Max Payne."

Finally, the biggest role and the best performance of the film goes to the show stealer Toby Kebbell as Johnny Quid. Johnny is your average heroin addicted rock star who just refuses to die, but there's more to Johnny than meets the eye. As well as being nigh-unkillable he's got a nice backstory stemming from the abusive treatment of his step-father, he's fairly deep (which I found nothing short of shocking), and he's got lethal skills with a pencil that would make even the Joker jealous. Kebbell steals every scene he's in and some he's not which makes the prospect of the sequel all that much sweeter.


It's hard to not compare this movie to "Snatch" and let's face it. I have a lot of things but decency and integrity are not among them, so fuck it, lets do that.

"Rocknrolla" manages to be funny, violent, and overall entertaining. There have been a lot of complaints that Ritchie is just going his old stuff all over again. But can anybody who's seen "Swept Away" and "Revolver" actually say that that's a bad thing?

The plot threads are many and it does get convoluted and in the end the way they all tie together is overall pretty weak. Characters like Uri and Stella feel tacked on and barely part of the plot, seeming to be mere red herrings that eventually end up being used to try and patch bits of the story together.

Some of the scenes are sure to be instant classics, primarily the two partially botched robberies by One Two, Mumbles, and Bob where in the first one they can't figure out how to put the car in reverse and in the second they're chased by two nigh-unkillable Germans that fill "the role that would be played by Vinnie Jones if he wasn't being a stupid tit and starring in movies where he plays a serial killer dressed like Forrest Gump."

Another wonderful thing is the score, I must own the soundtrack to this film, it is mag-fucking-nificent. True it's not the Quentin Tarantino "ironic 70s pop songs to torture by" soundtrack, but it is a pulse pounding hard rock score that manages to be something other than screaming Iron Maiden ripoff bands that 13-year-olds would post pictures of on their trapper keepers, no what is featured here is rock but it's also actually music. It helps set the atmosphere at all points in the movie and works well with the cool London crime theme they have going.


All in all as Guy Ritchie films go "Rocknrolla" is better than "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels" but not quite as good as "Snatch." But then that's like saying that a handful of diamonds isn't as good as the holy grail. If you feel the need to complain, you're probably an asshole.

I give "Rocknrolla" a 5 out of 5. Watch it, buy it, love it. And look out for the sequel "The Real Rocknrolla" coming sometime after Ritchie finishes with his Sherlock Holmes movie.

The 13 Best Horror Movies to Watch on Halloween

Halloween is the most fun holiday of the year. Candy, costumes, there's just a feeling in the air and if you can't enjoy the holiday spirit then you need to call the proctologist and ask them to remove the tree. One of the best things to do at this time of year is of course get together in small gatherings of friends. The question is, what do you watch? "Rocky Horror Picture Show" and "Halloween" have both been done to death and while movies like "Ernest Scared Stupid" and "Poultrygeist" are classics they'll also likely get you ostracized by your friends and possibly committed to a special facility.

So here is my own personal list of the 13 best horror movies to watch with your friends on Halloween.

13. The Monster Squad (1987)
Directed by: Fred Dekker
Starring: Andre Gower, Brent Chalem, Ryan Lambert, Michael Faustino
Plot: 12-year-old Sean Crenshaw and his best friend Patrick are die hard monster fanatics. Along with their friend Horace (nicknamed Fat Kid),junior high tough guy Rudy, Sean's kid sister Phoebe, and little Eugene they come together and talk monsters. But when Dracula, Frankenstein, The Wolf Man, The Gill Man, and The Mummy come to their small town to get an amulet to control the world, Sean leads his friends into action to protect their town from the forces of evil. Taken from www.imdb.com.

It doesn't matter how old you are, you are never too old for "The Monster Squad." Picture if you will "The Goonies" meet the Universal Monsters. This is a movie that would never pass as PG now, it's a kid's movie that, much like the wolfman, has nards. Not to mention it's incredibly fun. It's bloody, it's rude, and it's one of the movies you loved as a kid that's stood the test of time.

12. Tremors (1990)
Directed by: S.S. Wilson
Starring: Kevin Bacon, Fred Ward, Michael Gross, Reba McEntire
Plot:A small town gradually becomes aware of a strange creature which picks off people one by one. But what is this creature, and where is it? At the same time, a seismologist is working in the area, she detects _tremors_. The creature lives underground, and can 'pop up' without warning. Trapped in their town, the town-folk have no escape. Taken from www.imdb.com.

Quite possibly one of the greatest monster movies ever is S.S. Wilson's "Tremors." The tale of subterranian monsters attacking a small town of colorful rednecks is nothing if not fun and memorable. Filled to the brim with one-liners, well-done gore effects, and memorable characters it helped to fully launch the careers of Kevin Bacon, Michael Gross, and Reba McEntire beyond what they had been at that point. It manages to be slightly scary but mostly just fun and enjoyable and perfect for a diverse crowd.

11. Dog Soldiers (2002)
Directed by: Neil Marshall
Starring: Kevin McKidd, Sean Pertwee
Plot: A squad of British soldiers on training in the lonesome Scottish wilderness find a wounded Special Forces captain and the carnaged remains of his team. As they encounter zoologist Megan, it turns out that werewolves are active in the region. They have to prepare for some action as the there will be a full moon tonight... Taken from www.imdb.com.

Before Neil Marshall was famous for "The Descent" and his glorified "Escape From New York" remake "Doomsday" he made a little film called "Dog Soldiers" about a group of British soldiers on a training exercise who run afoul of a family of werewolves. The film, heavily based on the Zulu military campaign, but played out like a meeting between "The Howling", "The Hills Have Eyes", and "Evil Dead." It's campy, it's gory, the werewolves look surprisingly good in fact there's high budget werewolf movies that haven't had werewolves this realistic looking *cough*"American Werewolf in London"*cough* It manages to inject enough humor into a very serious situation to make it one of the more fun werwolves. It doesn't concern itself with the quirks of being a werewolf, nor what it feels like to be one. It's a monster movie and once the action starts its only interrupted by brief periods to either be humorous or build tension. Not to mention Spoon (Darren Morfitt) is probably one of the most kickass characters in a horror movie ever.

10. Event Horizon (1997)
Directed by: Paul W.S. Anderson
Starring: Laurence Fishburne, Sam Neill
Plot: It is the year 2047. Seven years have passed since the mysterious disappearance of Event Horizon, a spaceship that was sent to explore the outer limits of our solar system. Now, it is the time for a rescue mission that will find the ship and bring back the survivors; if any... Taken from www.imdb.com. "Event Horizon" isn't a cheesy movie (with the exception of the character Cooper.) In fact this movie scared the ever loving bejeezus out of me, never have I actually been afraid to walk outside and get in my car to go home. It's equal parts "Alien", "Hellraiser", and "Doom" (the game not the movie) and indeed it does seem to channel a lot of the feel and atmosphere of Ridley Scott's most popular movie that isn't "Blade Runner." Laurence Fishburne manages not to be a complete doofus for once in his career and Sam Neill gives a typically wonderful performance, maybe even chaneling a bit of that good old Damien Thorne magic from his early days.

9. The Blob (1988)
Directed by: Chuck Russell
Starring: Kevin Dillon, Shawnee Smith, Jeffrey DeMunn
Plot: Remake of the 1958 horror sci-fi about a deadly blob which is the spawn of a secret government germ warfare project which consumes everyone in its path. Teenagers try in vain to warn the townsfolk, who refuse to take them seriously, while government agents try to cover up the evidence and confine the creature. Taken from www.imdb.com.

When I was little, "The Blob" (1958) was my favorite horror movie of all time. It was a wonderful movie and I was understandably worried about a remake of the movie. Fortunately what it lacks in Steve McQueen it makes up for in great special effects, gore, and genuine terror. Ignore the teenager struggling against the strawberry jello mould above, the effects in this movie are top notch. Sure you can clearly see that what you're watching is stop-go animation superimposed over the top of actual film prints but the stop-go animation is incredibly well done. This movie does for "The Blob" what John Carpenter did for "The Thing From Another World" The effects in this movie are on par with John Carpenter's the thing and between the haunting images of the blob shooting around after people and seeing people literally melted on-screen it's wonderfully rendered. It actually manages to make the blob terrifying and has just enough camp to elevate it to near masterpiece status.

8. House (1968)
Directed by: Steve Miner
Starring: William Kat, George Wendt, Kay Lenz
Plot: Roger Cobb is a author who has just separated from his wife. He moves into a new house and tries to work on a novel based on his experiences in the Vietnam War. Strange things start happening around him; little things at first, but as they become more frequent, Cobb becomes aware that the house resents his presence. Taken from www.imdb.com.

This movie deserves more credit than it gets. "House" is by no means a masterpiece, it's not "Jacob's Ladder" but it also doesn't try to be. It's a cheesy haunted house movie with a lot of bizarre creatures, doors that open into different worlds, and Norm from cheers shooting a big sickle-clawed hump-backed thing with a harpoon gun. The sequel is also noteworthy if for nothing more than a business card that a character hands out that lists his job title as "electrician/adventurer." "House" is a great deal of fun.

7. Slither (2006)
Directed by: James Gunn
Starring: Nathan Fillion, Elizabeth Banks, Gregg Henry, Michael Rooker
Plot: This blend of black humour and unnerving horror, with its nineteen fifties parodies pays homage to the great B-Movie Sci-Fi genre. Set in modern small town America, when an unsuspecting meteorite drops by and its tiny slug shaped parasitic pilot infects the local inhabitants, then all hell breaks lose, literally. Turning their infected hosts into Zombie type aliens, this is a battle of the fittest, this is the battle to save Mankind, this is pure B-Movie magic. Taken from www.imdb.com.

This was my vote for the best horror movie of 2006. It's a nice stroll down memory lane of the 80s hearkening back to everything form "The Blob", "Shivers", "The Thing", "Tremors", "From Beyond", and "The Evil Dead." The dialogue is always entertaining and the characters are all well fleshed out and likeable. It's a beautiful love note to campy 80s horror movies and is full of one-liners, memorable moments, and great special effects. Plus "Firefly's" Nathan Fillion is the main character.

6. Willard (2003)
Directed by: Glen Morgan
Starring: Crispin Glover, R. Lee Ermey
Plot: Willard is a social misfit who is made fun of by his co-workers. When he is squeezed out of the company started by his deceased father, his only friends become a couple of rats he's been raising at home. However, when one of the rats is killed at work, Willard goes on a rampage--exacting revenge by using his rats to attack those who have been tormenting him. Led by the unusually intelligent, and deadly rat, Ben, an army of rats descends upon the office, committing a series of grisley murders. Taken from www.imdb.com.

A remake of the 1970s film "Willard" that was based on the book "The Ratman's Notebook" it improves a great deal on the original film. Crispin Glover finally found a weird enough character to complement his jerky weird-as-hell acting style and indeed Willard Stiles was the character Glover was born to play. (I mean, other than Willy Wonka and The Joker, but we won't go into that now.) It's a beautifully stylized dark comedy that's both funny and creepy at the same time with great performances by Glover and R. Lee Ermey (in a complete change of pace for Ermey he plays a loud mouthed guy who yells and curses a lot) and Ben, the antagonist of the film is the creepiest rat I have ever seen. This is a great party film and just a great film in general, I can't reccomend this enough.

5. Murder Party (2007)
Directed by: Jeremy Saulnier
Starring: Chris Sharp, Macon Blair, William Lacey
Plot Summary:A random invitation to a Halloween party leads a man into the hands of a rogue collective intent on murdering him for the sake of their art, sparking a bloodbath of mishap, mayhem and hilarity. Taken from www.imdb.com.

If Kevin Smith made the movie "Napoleon Dynamite" as a horror movie you might have something like "Murder Party", quite possibly the single greatest indie-horror comedy I have ever seen in my life. The humor is all off the wall and there's a lot of slapstick as well as well done dialogue and visual cues. The dialogue of the the art students as they debate over how they should kill Chris Sharp's character in various overelaborate artistic ways is increasingly better and is ultimately topped off by Paul Goldblatt's line "When the coroner's report comes in it will read 'cause of death: art.' We'll wait until the witching hour and then we'll all stab him... we'll stab him until he dies." There's a scene where Macon Blair douses Sharp in acid only to find out that the type of acid he used is actually vinegar. The dialogue is outrageous and the movie takes its time getting where its going but by the end the film lives up to its title with plenty of blood and gore for everyone. The standout role here though is William Lacey as Bill, a truly fucked up individual who seems to steal every scene he's a part of. See this movie, I don't care how, just do it.

4. Return of the Living Dead (1985)
Directed by: Dan O'Bannon
Starring: Clu Gulager, Miguel A. Nunez, Linnea Quigley
Plot:When a bumbling pair of employees at a medical supply warehouse accidentally release a deadly gas into the air, the vapors cause the dead to re-animate as they go on a rampage through Louisville, Kentucky seeking their favorite food, brains. Taken from www.imdb.com.

"Return of the Living Dead" is THE ultimate 80s movie. It set alot of precedents for gore, campiness, it made running zombies cool, this movie is the reason why zombies are always portrayed as hungering for brains, not to mention Linnea Quigley spending the first 3rd of the movie nude brought a lot of adolescent boys to manhood. This movie is fun no matter how many times you watch it and it almost helps you forget the string of long bloody and increasingly worse abortions that the sequels are.

3. Dead-Alive/Braindead
Directed by: Peter Jackson
Starring: Timothy Balme, Diana Penalver, Ian Watkin
Plot: Lionel, a Mama's boy has the unwanted honor of having to look after his overbearingly evil mother. He ends up falling in love with a local woman who believes that they're destined together. In a moment of intentional sabotage of one of their dates, his mother is bitten by a mysterious creature that ends up zombifying her. It's only a matter of time before she rises from the dead a powerful, bloodthirsty zombie. It's only a matter of time before she starts infecting residents of the town and Lionel has to stop her...and them. Taken from www.imdb.com.

Back before Peter Jackson was best known for hobbits and apes he did low budget splatter films with the slightly good "Bad Taste" and the hilarious muppets piss-take "Meet The Feebles" under his belt he culminated all his best elements into this film. "Dead-Alive" (or "Braindead" for everyone who isn't American) holds the record as the goriest movie ever made it's a zombie movie that laughs in the face "Cannibal Holocaust" and makes "Evil Dead" squeemish. The difference is that while the gore is aplenty, it's also pretty much the punch-line. The splatter is all part of the charm with this movie, it takes bad taste humor to a high only reached occasionally by Troma movies. You get desensitized to the sheer ridiculous amount of blood and guts early on and from there on it doesn't really effect you anymore and by the time Timothy Balme busts in the door to a room full of zombies with a lawnmower hoisted over his shoulder and utters the line "Party's over" as he pulls the cord you're giggling with malicious glee. It's a wonderful mix of slapstick and horror, though the real scene stealer is Ian Watkin as Uncle Les, a fat, perverted, sleazeball with a lot of VDs who tends to get hit in the balls a lot. If your guests can shed whatever delicate sensibilites they have for 2 hours then there's not reason they can't enjoy this film.

2. The Thing (1982)
Directed by: John Carpenter
Starring: Kurt Russell, Keith Davids, Willford Brimley
Plot: An American scientific expedition to the frozen wastes of the Antarctic is interrupted by a group of seemingly mad Norwegians pursuing and shooting a dog. The helicopter pursuing the dog crashes leaving no explanation for the chase. During the night, the dog mutates and attacks other dogs in the cage and members of the team that investigate. The team soon realises that an alien life-form with the ability to take over other bodies is on the loose and they don't know who may already have been taken over. Taken from www.imdb.com.

While "The Thing" is a remake of "The Thing From Another World" it's actually a much more faithful adaptation of the story "Who Goes There" that both films were based on where the thing is more of a shape-shifting germ than a monster. The special effects for this movie are still amazing to this day with not a single bit of computer or stop-go animation present it is seamless and perfectly done. The characters are every single one of them memorable and the tension in every scene is so thick you can cut it with a knife. This was easily John Carpenter's best movie and a true classic that's fun as well as scary.

1. Army of Darkness (1992)
Directed by: Sam Raimi
Starring: Bruce Campbell, Embeth Davidtz, Bridget Fonda
Plot: In this sequel to the Evil Dead films, a discount-store employee ("Name's Ash. Housewares.") is time-warped to a medieval castle beset by monstrous forces. Initially mistaken for an enemy, he is soon revealed as the prophecised savior who can quest for the Necronomicon, a book which can dispel the evil. Unfortunately, he screws up the magic words while collecting the tome, and releases an army of skeletons, led by his own Deadite counterpart. What follows is a thrilling, yet tongue-in-cheek battle between Ash's 20th Century tactics and the minions of darkness. Taken from www.imdb.com.

To say that "Army of Darkness" is the best film to watch on Halloween is an insult. "Army of Darkness" is the best film to watch any time. A movie so outrageous, so memorable and fun that the only person who can't enjoy it must be some soulless bastard too stuck up their own ass to know nirvana when they've found it. (The feeling, not the band.) Sure there have been better made films, but none has ever been so endlessly enjoyable, quotable, rewatchable. I've seen this movie at least 70 times, and I'm sure I'll see it 70 more without ever getting tired of it. It is the ultimate party film, the ultimate halloween film, and the ultimate film ever. Don't agree with me? Suck a dick, motherfucker. I slash prices....

Saw V (2008)


Directed by: David Hackl

Starring: Costas Mandylor, Tobin Bell, Scott Patterson

Plot: Following Jigsaw's grizzly demise, Mark Hoffman, the final apprentice to the serial killer is reigned a hero. Meanwhile, Agent Strahm is tested and puts the pieces together. While Strahm realizes that Hoffman is helping Jigsaw, five seemingly unconnected people face a horrible lesson of teamwork. Strahm follows all the leads he can get off Hoffman, including the death of his sister and why he joined Jigsaw. Hoffman and Strahm circle each other until it boils down to a gruesome and bone-crushing finale. Taken from www.imdb.com.


Trapped somewhere in-between the events of Saw U and Saw W is "Saw V" the fifth in a series of films that have a title with nothing to do with anything in the actual movie and a roman numeral to make them seem edgier.

Now it should be said that unlike the rest of the internet, I don't hate the "Saw" films. The sentiment on the interweb is that everyone hates these movies. (Which is why it's the most profitable series of films ever made.)

The fact is, despite the gore effects that grew increasingly gimmicky with each film, "Saw" is a pretty good series. A more apt name for the series would have been "Jigsaw", which is really what this series is. It's a big puzzle that we're slowly getting more and more pieces to and you have to admit, you never see the ending coming.

Now, with that said, "Saw III" was shit and was only good because it came out in a year where there were a remarkably small number of good horror films. Of course this series of films is like a season of "Lost", miss one episode and you'll have no fucking clue what's going on.

"Saw III" continues with the freaky Quentin Tarantino-ish timeline and we spend this movie on the same motherfucking day we've spent the last two movies, so the latest point in the series that we have seen is the beginning and ending of "Saw IV."

This time Donnie Wahlberg and that stupid doll are gone for good and even Jigsaw and the traps take a backseat for the story of Mark Hoffman, the man revealed to be Jigsaw's second apprentice in the last film. The only person who seems to have put it together that is Agent Strahm who promptly ends up in a trap of his own with his head encased in a glass box full of water.

Fortunately for Strahm, even though Hoffman took his wallet, his knife, and his gun he left a pen in his pocket which Strahm quickly gives himself a tracheotomy with. So Strahm, Hoffman, and a little girl are the only survivors of the "Saw III/IV" clusterfuck.

Well now we have the cat and mouse game between Strahm and Hoffman which is more akin to a psychological thriller than most Saw movies, but don't worry you knuckledragging mouthbreathers, we have a parellel story of 5 strangers in a series of traps ala "Saw 2" to feed your love of gore.


Tobin Bell is back as usual, but sans being a corpse, he doesn't appear in anyhting other than flashbacks that go back to before and around the time of the first "Saw." Tobin is as usual strangely likeable while still being creepy but I applaud the director for having taken focus off the character that's been dead for the last 2 movies.

This leaves us with Mark Hoffman (Costas Mandylor) who is honestly has much better screen presence than even Tobin Bell. He has very intense eyes and conveys a sort of angry apathy in every moment he's on screen. I'm not sure how many more roman numerals we're in for but if Mandylor is playing the villain I'm all for it.

The 5 people in the traps are superfluous and so are their performances. None are badly acted, but none are well acted either.


Finally somebody turned the gore down a notch in a "Saw" film. It's not as dissappointing as in the first one but it's not overdone and stupid like in 3 either. There are a couple scenes, particularly the opening where they're trying to appeal to the sick fucks in the audience but they're a bit more subtle than usual which is a much welcome change.

The traps are still inventive (even if the first one in the movie is stolen from an Edgar Allen Poe story) and seem more like deadly games than torture devices. In fact, people actually do survive in this movie as opposed to the usual.


The story is finally taking a change for the better now that Jigsaw, Marky Mark, Darren Lynn Boseman, Amanda, and that creepy fucking doll are out of the picture. Hoffman seems to be an even better maniac than Jigsaw ever was and I like the more thrillerish angles the storyline is taking as well.

Of course, my favorite thing is the big surprise at the end. The big surprise is that there is no surprise! Oh sure the music still plays and we see a montage of scenes but this time the twist is something that a blind, deaf, orangutan with down's syndrome could've picked up on.

This literally is the best movie since the first one. I've heard a lot of people say it's "just for the fans." But no, the fans hate it, it's only for the fans because anybody else who hasn't been watching this series religiously is going to be confused as shit. (To be honest I need to get in the habit of watching the previous movie prior to seeing the new on in theater as I'm having trouble keeping track of everything.)

In fact the only real thing wrong with this movie is how it tries to please the die hard fans as well as everyone else. The side story with the five people in the trap is great and all but it LITERALLY has absolutely nothing to do with the plot. Of course there's a possibility (and in fact a large probablity) that the significance of that lot will be explained in the next film.


This movie does a nice job of filling in some pieces of the puzzle while giving us others to look for. It's a lot more intelligent than the previous 3 movies and really looks to be heading in the right direction. Darren Lynn Boseman pissing off was seriously the best thing that ever happened to these movies.

I give "Saw V" a 4 out of 5. It's a good movie and would maybe be a definite buy if it would just quit its whoring ways.