Zombie Strippers

Zombie Strippers! (2008)


Directed by: Jay Lee

Starring: Jenna Jameson, Robert Englund

Plot: In the not too distant future a secret government re-animation chemo-virus gets released into conservative Sartre, Nebraska and lands in an underground strip club. As the virus begins to spread, turning the strippers into "Super Zombie Strippers" the girls struggle with whether or not to conform to the new "fad" even if it means there's no turning back.

"They're zombies!" "They're strippers!" "They're zombie strippers!" Well guys, looks like staying up all night writing a one-liner to base an entire movie on finally paid off.

Have you ever sat around and thought to yourself, "Gee... "Showgirls", "House of the Dead", and "Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation" are each so earth shakingly stupid that it hurts me deep down inside, but I wonder what it would be like if all three of those movies were made into one..."

Well wonder no more! This trifecta of brain liquefying stupidity is out on DVD! And it stars a washed up porn star and a guy who hasn't been popular since the mid 90s!

Okay let me explain zombie strippers for you. This shouldn't take long. So it's the near future and we see a futuristic news broadcast that TOTALLY wasn't stolen from "Robocop" and "Starship Troopers" or anything that tells us about how George W. Bush (and Vice President Arnold Schwarzenegger) is now in his 4th consecutive term in office and we're having wars all over the globe and running out of soldiers, oh also public nudity is illegal now (just to throw that out there), so the government has created a virus that brings the dead back to life.

So everything goes to shit and an elite military team is brought in to stop them. I want to point out that this team is not a parody of an elite military team, they're a parody of a parody of a parody of a parody of the elite military team from "House of the Dead 2". And let me tell you, they're real knee slappers.

So they kill all the zombies but the newbie (as always) gets bit, not wanting to get shot he runs away and sneaks into a building which just so happens to be our illegal strip joint. So he goes all undead, bites Jenna Jameson and this all starts off.

Cool shades. Check. Beret. Check. Bad impersonation of Tim Meadows doing a bad impersonation of a blaxploitation hero. Big Check

So this is normally the part where I talk about the stand-out performances and who did good and all that. No, we won't be having any of that here.

What we do have is Jenna Jameson, who spends over half the movie topless and or naked and says some stuff every 25 minutes or so.

We also have Robert Englund who continues to work hard at proving he can't play a good character that doesn't have a burn face and a stupid sweater on.

I realize this is a parody but their attempts to be funny aren't even funny. The two most interesting characters are a bad Russian stereotype and a bad Mexican stereotype who are just in the movie for cheap jokes.

Hmm... Piercings, dark lipstick, far too much eye make-up, nasty tangled hair, bad skin... I didn't know the suicide girls were in this movie!

The effects in this movie are every bit as good as the ones in "Starship Troopers 2". The muzzle flash looks like bad CG. The "cool" armor the soldiers wear, looks like paintball gear. The gore effects look like bad CG. The fight scene between Jenna Jameson and the other zombie stripper that looks like 2 of the others but isn't because she's a different character is reminiscent of the clay mation they used in "Army of Darkness" when Evil Ash got all his skin burnt off, only that looked professionally done.

Whats worse is the "hot" zombie strippers that everybody is raving about look like a Rob Zombie video (seriously turn the sound off, watch them dance and tell me you don't start humming Dragula. Do it, I dare you.)

Believe it or not, she's not a zombie yet.

Okay I would normally talk about the storyline here but it really has none. None of the characters are actually important to the film and there's one reason for this. You know why? Because this is one of those stupid ass parody films like "Scary Movie", "Superhero Movie", "Date Movie", "Epic Movie", "Meet the Spartans", etc, etc, etc.

"Zombie Strippers" never tries to be serious which is good, the problem is they try to be witty which is something they have a very small supply. A few moments manage to be kind of funny, I snickered a couple times at the beginning.

The rest of the film however is populated with references to other movies (they do the whole "Warriors come out to Pla-ay" thing with 2 beer bottles and there's a huge pisstake of "Resident Evil" at the end where the scientist talks about how he infected the entire lab), "funny" gags like Jenna Jameson shooting ping pong balls from her vagina followed by repeating this gag with pool balls while she's fighting with the other she zombie, and then jokes that are completely stolen.

At one point in the movie Robert Englund says the word "Badgers" to which Paco replies "Badgers? Badgers? We don't need no stinking badgers!"

Ha ha, what an amazing parody of the classic line from "Treasure of the Sierra Madre" why if only someone had thought of it before. Yes that's right, "Zombie Strippers" steals a joke from "UHF", a movie that's actually funny.

Zombie Strippers tries to be a lot of things: Grindhouse's "Planet Terror", "Grindhouse" in general, "Return of the Living Dead", funny... but in the end it is none of these things. I judge bad zombie movies around a little known gem from 1989 called "CHUD II: Bud the CHUD" it is the worst zombie film I have ever seen and try as I might, I cannot top it. I say now that this movie has come closer to being the worst zombie movie ever than any other ever has.

"I haven't been in a watchable movie since Dream Warriors came out! Muhahahaha!"

"Zombie Strippers" is one of the most mind numbingly stupid movies ever, and the sad thing is it tries to be stupid in a funny way. It fails at failing!

I give "Zombie Strippers" a 1 out of 5. If you feel the urge to watch this, just go ahead and take twenty dollars, throw it in a trashcan, and set it on fire, it's a better use of your money.