Questionably Content

Avatar (2009)


Directed by: James Cameron

Starring: Sam Worthington, Zoe Saldana, Sigourney Weaver, Steven Lang

Other Actors of Note: Joel Moore, Giovanni Ribisi, Dileep Rao, CCH Pounder, Wes Studi

Plot: A paraplegic marine dispatched to the moon Pandora on a unique mission becomes torn between following his orders and protecting the world he feels is his home. Taken from www.imdb.com.


So let me tell you about "Titanic." "Titanic" was the first example I've ever seen of Oscar baiting. Up until then I'd seen only wonderful things (And "Piranha 2") come from the mind of James Cameron. Imagine my surprise when I found out that that piece of shit "Romeo and Juliet + Boat + Explosions = A License to Print Money" movie was made by the same guy responsible for "Terminator", "Aliens", "The Abyss", and "True Lies."

For the record, "Titanic" was the "Twilight" of the late 90s. The only person who seemed to remember what acting was in that movie was Kathy Bates, but when you have a legion of teenage girls (who buy tickets to see it, on average, 3 times each) and housewives who are responsible for the existence of things like "Zane" and "The Lifetime Network" backing you and dragging any begrudging boyfriends/husbands/family members/friends along with them.

Of course, Arnold Schwarzenegger ruined Cameron's big return to movies that weren't ass when he was elected Governor of California and all hopes of "True Lies 2" went out the window. Tom Arnold still sobs into his pillow every night, though I'm told he's been doing that for years.

So naturally, after nothing coming out of the Cameron camp save a couple of documentaries about faggy ocean shit I was stoked to hear he was finally bringing his next movie to the big screen! I was almost as excited for this movie as I was for "Star Wars: Episode 1: The Phantom Menace: Smokey Mesquite BBQ" but I knew, KNEW, that James Cameron would never hurt me like George Lucas did. Right?

"Together, we shall feast upon their tears."

Sam Worthington, I said such wonderful things about you in my "Terminator Salvation" review. Did you just learn to act between this movie and that one? Worthington gives a performance that is alternatively bland and dry, occasionally he mixes it up and gives a dry bland performance. Also, he seems to be unable to hide his accent. Come on man, Liam Neeson is better at pretending to be American than you!

Sigourney Weaver is hot now? How the fuck did that happen? The last time I saw her she looked like something they scraped off Iggy Pop's sphincter (and "Galaxy Quest" doesn't count) so when did she become surprisingly bang-able? In addition to confusing the mighty tiger that resides beneath my fly, she gives a performance that really makes you realize how much it sucks that she hasn't been in any movies lately. I hope the disturbing success of this things results in more Sigourney on-screen and that her looks continue to go all Benjamin Button.

Stephen Lang plays the most stereotypical commanding officer I've ever seen. He has it all: the constantly angry face, the scars, the graying hair. This man has a giant "Bad Guy" sign on him from the first moment we see him, he's practically a caricature and plays it as such.

Giovanni Ribisi is a good actor even though his part isn't really important. Shine on you crazy diamond.

"No you cannot 'HAZ CHEEZBURGER.'"

To call "Avatar's" story formulaic or cliched is to insult other stories of that ilk for generations to come. I sincerely hope that Cameron hammer this script out in a week because any more just seems like a waste of time. This story is so predictable that it plays out like a video game.

The main character shows up, after some introduction he's given his "powers" so to speak. This is followed by an opening boss battle that ends with the main character losing but finding the important part of the game where-upon he meets the love interest and spends a great deal of time playing mini-games until the next boss battle.

Then shit gets complicated, the main character goes and gets an epic mount, aerial combat ensues, explosions ensue, explosions ensue, explosions continue to ensue, final boss, ending cut scene. If the game for this movie sucks it has no excuse because Cameron's got the whole fucking thing mapped out for the developers.

Now a few things should be noted. For one, the Navi may be humanoid but they're easily twice the size of an average human which is something that isn't often done in these sort of films. Another is that the atmosphere on Pandora is light on oxygen and humans have to wear breathing apparatuses to survive. These are fairly original things that most writers overlook.

However, the Navi are pretty stereotypical. They're cat lizards of some sort yet they have breasts (with no nipples) and do everything with some sort of organic USB thing. My first thought on seeing a female Navi: "Captain Kirk would totally fuck that."

"Our five year mission, to boldly spread my syphilis where it has never gone before"

Now of course, the planet of Pandora looks amazing and the CG is fucking breathtaking. Given how much time we spend with Jake in "Thundercat" form this film is practically an animated movie but you never notice that because everything is kept so fluid and realistic looking.

I will say that the much touted 3-D is immersive, but the problem with that is by the second half of this movie I was so "immersed" that I didn't even notice it anymore.

It is not presumptious to say that this film has changed the way that films will be done forever. Cameron has stumbled on to something incredible here that film-makers for generations will benefit from and for that alone this man deserves an Oscar. But just like any other movies that did something ground-breaking technically, it's just not that great.

The story, all the actors in major roles, and the plot progression are all mediocre at best and terrible at worst. Coupled with the film's unnecessary long running time, Avatar just doesn't have a leg to stand on as something other than a technical demonstration. Compared with the other "Who's the REAL monster" alien movie of the last 365 days, "District 9" represents DO and "Avatar" represents DONT. (I wont even go into the fact that "District 9" had awesome CG and equally realistic aliens for a tiny fraction of "Avatar's" budget.)


"Avatar" is a really pretty, really mediocre movie that is too long and I have no urge to watch it again any time soon. It wasn't a bad movie but it's far from good and even farther than what I expect from James Camerion even in a post-"Titanic" world.

But I give Cameron some slack, it has been ten years since he's made a real movie and the last one he made before that was a shitty blockbuster chick flick where a whole bunch of good actors did the exact opposite of what I've just named them able to do.

So you get a freebie, James. "Avatar" was nice and pretty, just don't do it again.

I give "Avatar" a 3 out of 5.