Directed by: David R. Ellis
Starring: Bobby Campo, Shantel VanSanten,
Other Actors of Note: Nick Zano
Plot: After a teen's premonition of a deadly race-car crash helps saves the lives of his peers, Death sets out to collect those who evaded their end. Taken from www.imdb.com.
Ah, "Final Destination", there's a franchise we can look back and go "What in the fucking hell were we fucking thinking?" We'll always remember it for its uninteresting introduction onto the scene, its gory but 2-dimensional sequel, and its utterly fucking retarded triquel (that's not a word, but I've decided that it is, so fuck off.)
Well apparently the producers listened to the claims that the film series was full of 2-dimensional characters and plots and interpreted the criticism literally. So we get a 2-dimensional film with 3-Dimensional special effects. Woo.
Okay, so when the smallest NASCAR race in the universe is plagued with a physics-defying catostrofuck of epic proportions a whole bunch of people die. But they don't die because one of those people had a premoninition of them dying and saved their lives. So now they all begin to systematically in horrible and elaborate ways in the order that they died. So the guy who has the premonitions figures out whats going on and tries to outsmart death. He doesn't and they all die. The end.
The acting's shit.
I don't know who they think they're kidding anymore. We all know the plot, we all know the twists (everyone's going to die, no exceptions. If they don't die in this one then they'll be dead by the time the next one ends.) There is literally no way that anyone who's even read a synopsis doesn't know how this shit is gonna go down. But the writers keep going on as if they think it's a twist to make the same movie a fourth time.
As usual maybe one or two of the deaths actually could happen, and those will happen in a very unrealistic way. Mostly people will die because every building is old, out of date, and crumbling. Every person in charge of making things safe has done a horrible job of doing that. And EVERYTHING will break, fall, explode, or crumble at a moments notice.
One particular scene involves a tarp blowing off a window, the light from the window hits a pair of glasses on a table, the light focuses through the glasses and ignites a nearby pile of sawdust as the tarp blows across the room catching the switch of its industrial fan with on of the tie-on holes. The tarp hits a cart loaded up with full bottles of turpentine which have no lids on them and spill, causing a trail of flammable chemicals that conveniently leads to a stack of barrels filled with explosive liquids which the fan has now blown the burning sawdust toward. Behind the barrels happens to be a movie screen where two of the characters are watching a movie on the other side.
If you think that is a plausible scenario then kindly take a pair of scissors and shove them in your eye-hole, then twist. It's this kind of bullshit that makes the movie almost infuriatingly stupid and I can't for the life of me figure out how the whole car wash thing was supposed to be fatal.
By changing the name from "Final Destination 4: Death Trip 3-D" to "The Final Destination" they seem to be hinting at a finality to the series. But fuck no, we'll have none of that. In fact later in the movie the main character has ANOTHER premonition which ends up saving a few hundred MORE people. So we'll probably spend the next movie dealing with that fucking shit in addition to whatever bullshit the writer comes up with then.
Now let's talk about the movie's fancy new hook. If "My Bloody Valentine" brought 3-D movies back from the dead then "The Final Destination" planted a wooden stake in its heart and buried it on sacred ground so it might never revive itself again. Things here are beyond gimmicky: things shooting out at the camera, big cg explosions, a man cut into chunks when he hits a fence that I can only describe as "chain link razorblades."
This is not to mention the mini-premonitions the main character has which are done with computer animation that rivals the best 1989 had to offer making some elaborate explanation of how the next character will died.
But there is a twist! When the movie ends as the last 3 characters die the movie cheats us by going to wire-frame and making us watch their horrible grisly (and undoubtedly awesome) deaths through skeletons. The twist is that the movie fucks you over more than usual, thanks for the extra $5 enjoy your fucking 3-D glasses!
It never fails to amaze me how so many people hate the "Saw" movies for their twist endings, money-shot gore, and overly elaborate torture machines yet they shit all over themselves and fucking love this bullshit. At least I don't know how the next fucking "Saw" movie is going to end!
I give "The Final Destination" an EAT SHIT AND DIE out of 5. If you knowingly pay money to watch this movie then you are going to special hell reserved for pedophiles and people that canceled "Firefly."
No comments:
Post a Comment