Directed by: J.J. AbramsStarring: Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Karl Urban, Zoe Saldana, Simon Pegg, John Cho, Anton Yelchin, Eric Bana
Other Actors of Note: Leonard Nimoy, Winona Ryder, Tyler Perry, Oz Perkins
Plot: A chronicle of the early days of James T. Kirk and his fellow USS Enterprise crew members.
Hey, remember how back in my "Twilight" review I gave Trekkies a pass on the grounds that the Twunts are rabid lunatics with no souls and serious emotional issues? Well, before you all get too cocky thinking you'd get off scot free, it's your turn.
So "Star Trek" is a sequel/prequel/reboot/camp stove/flash light to the entire Trek series. And while it does follow the events of "Star Trek: Nemesis" it's the new extreme "Cool Ranch" to the original film's "Nacho Cheese" flavor.
So apparently the studio execs realized that we had pretty much milked the teat of the adventures of Captain Picard, Worf, Data, the black guy off "Reading Rainbow", that guy with the beard, that one chick, the other chick, that other guy, and that other guy till it started squirting out blood, and rather than make another sequel they made a deal with Mephistopheles to restore order to the series. He agreed, hiring J.J. Abrams to un-fuck things, but as we "Spider-Man" fans know... Mephistopheles doesn't work for free, he had certain terms...
Okay lets ignore J.J. Abrams and Satan for right now, we'll get back to them later. Right now I want to talk about the cast:
Okay, we'll start with Chris Pine. I HATED the idea of Chris Pine playing Kirk, he had the look of an actor whose Starfleet uniform would have a popped collar and would constantly call Spock names like "Bro'sef", "Bro'mosexual", and "Bro'lcun." Fortunately I was dead fucking wrong and I salute J.J. Abrams for finding someone so perfect for the role.
Now Pine isn't a perfect reproduction of Shatner. First of all in this continuity Kirk grew up without a father so he's a bit more rebellious and cocky (if such a thing is possible) than the original, but it never feels forced or too different. The fact that Pine bears a strange resemblance to Shatner circa 1966 doesn't hurt anything either. Pine owns the movie and really makes for a good leading man. I truly hope that if this franchise doesn't take off (or even if it does for that matter) that Pine will get a lot more roles in future movies. It's good to know there are still actors under the age of 35 who can act.
Karl Urban was the one that I could not accept under any circumstances ever ever ever ever. I looked at his past roles in films like "Doom", "The Chronicles of Riddick", and "Pathfinder" and went "What the fuck is this cocksmith doing playing McCoy?" But you know what? Miraculously he fits McCoy perfectly, and no one is more surprised than me, he even manages to be as fuck-ugly as Deforest Kelley (and that shit isn't easy!) Urban's role was almost entirely reduced to "wacky side-kick" territory, but just like with Kirk it works very well. I however don't want to see Urban in any more non-Trek movies.
I am sad to say that Zachary Quinto (the actor I was actually okay with) is mildly disappointing as Spock. Now this isn't to say that he doesn't play Spock well, he just fell short of my expectations I suppose. Spock seems a bit more prickish than normal and much less sage-like. Which I get it that he's young Spock, but Kirk's supposed to be the dickish hothead, not Spock.
We do get the right Spock though because Leonard Nimoy reprises his role as "Spock Prime" (who I'm guessing turns into a fire truck and leads the Autobots to defeat Unicron after the credits roll.) Nimoy is as good as he ever was (that amount being "great") and commands the screen when he's on it. He even gives the intro narration (strangely they chose the intro from "Next Generation" rather than the original series) as we watch the Enterprise head off into space.
Zoe Saldana plays a more than capable Uhara. Admittedly this Uhara is the typical sassy smart movie chick which makes it all that more awkward when she falls into Uhara's intended role of "Sit in this chair and look pretty, every now and then swivel around and give the viewers false hopes of seeing up your skirt." It's not that Saldana can't act, in fact she plays a more than capable Uhara, it's just that her character is vastly under-utilized which is entirely the writer (and to some extent Abrams') fault. There's also a romance between she and Spock part way through that just sorta pops up out of nowhere, but it's mostly ignored and you get past it.
Anton Yelchin does a good job as entirely superfluous Chekov. His part in the movie is to talk funny and tell us things we already know. Once again, not the actor's fault, it's the writer's. (To be honest I'm kinda surprised they didn't just make him go "Nuclear Wessels" over and over and over again.)
Now, Simon Pegg has been kind of controversial as Scotty. The poor bastard doesn't get introduced until halfway through the movie and then they just kind of haphazardly cram him in there and hope nobody notices. Now if you think about it, the way he enters the movie works (and they had to have some way to introduce Nimoy so he was necessary) but it still kinda sucks as Pegg steals the show (as always) and minus his little bumpy Ewok sidekick he's perfect in his role. Some say he's "too jokey" but Scotty was always one of the more lighthearted memebers of the crew to begin with. Oh, and yes, he does say "I'm givin' 'er all she's got, Cap'n!" This film needs a whole lot more Scotty.
John Cho was the only casting I didn't like in this movie as Sulu. It's not that Cho doesn't play the part well. It's not that he's Korean instead of Japanese. The problem is that Cho just doesn't feel right for the part, it seems like they just cast the first capable Asian actor they could find and that really hurts things. But seeing as Sulu's entire purpose is to pull a lever back and forth for 90% of the movie (the part where he's not doing Kung Fu and "fencing" with his collapsible samurai sword) so it doesn't become tired.
Now, Eric Bana plays a suitably angry and menacing Romulan in Nero. The problem is that he's so damn 2-dimensional that if he turns side-ways you can't see him. He's a Romulan from the future that's pissed at Spock so he went back in time to kill everybody because his planet blew up. So he's decided to suck every planet into a black hole via drilling a hole into each planet's core using his uber-menacing giant ship (for some arbitrary reason) and injecting some red goop that creates black holes and must be extracted with a comically large syringe.
Also: Tyler Perry is in this movie. What the fuck?!
Abrams (aside from tossing in his usual "Slusho" reference) throws in a lot of nods to the old series. Besides the Spock intro and Scotty's famous line we also have the Vulcan shoulder grab thingy, Kirk banging a green chick, and the horrible death of a red shirt! These all add nice little asides to the film and fortunately never become distracting. But lets not let my fountain of praise distract from the mistakes.
Abrams tries to make the point that this is the future and as such there are lots of alien races hanging about. The problem is the races seem less "Star Trek" and more "Star Wars" particularly the bumpy Ewok and the long-faced weirdo red herring hanging out at the bar.
Partway through the film Kirk gets jettisoned out of the ship onto an Ice Planet that might as well be called "Not-Hoth" and gets chased by what looks like a 4-legged Wompa beast which then gets eaten by a red "Cloverfield" monster that proceeds to follow Kirk through a super elaborate chase sequence. When a mysterious stranger in a parka chases the monster off, I expected him to turn around, revealing himself as Han Solo, and go "Shit, you're not Luke" before running off.
Also Abrams paints Iowa as a desolate wasteland filled with nothing but hay bales and dickhead highway patrolman. Which is fucking spot on. But nowhere in Iowa is there a giant gorge for Little Kirk to "Thelma and Louise" his space-Mustang into. Seriously the deepest spot in Iowa is maybe 50 feet.
These small problems aside the film is visually stunning and there's not a set in this flic that doesn't look picture perfect.
The story falls back on the old chestnut of time travel that we've already seen in past Trek films but even if the idea has been used it works in paying tribute to the fans, the non-fans, and anyone else. This time the situation doesn't get miraculously un-fucked at the end. The crew doesn't go back and fix things, a parallel universe is now permanently formed and Spock is trapped in it with his younger self and some other bad shit that I wont spoil happens.
The plot's a bit simple and retreads a lot of familiar territory but it does a suitably good job of re-introducing the characters and entertains. Which, in the end, isn't that really all it needs to do?
Now, about your precious fucking continuity. Everybody finds a reason to bitch about this, even Crybaby Central had to put in their 2 fucking cents on this. I don't know how I can make this any clearer than the movie did. This film takes place in an ALTERNATE UNIVERSE, the events at the beginning of the film takes your precious canon and throws it the fuck away. Do you know why they did this? Because you whiny fucks bitch and moan in every single movie about "continuity errors" in everything from "First Contact" to "Wrath of Khan" and that's not even bringing up the numerous TV shows.
You mouth-breathing fuckheads and the ever-growing tome that's being written every time something vaguely involving Trek comes up alienates new viewers and it's a reason that the only show that's picked up any new fans in the last 20 years was "Enterprise" which your pissing and moaning got canceled.
J.J. Abrams was wise to just hit control, alt, delete and restart this thing as it brings on new fans who may one day learn to appreciate the original series and maybe even stop making fun of you!
Yes that's right portly 30-something wearing a way-too-tight Slayer t-shirt. People will understand you're a sweet nice guy who really means no harm and just needs a nice girl to remind you to wipe the cheeto dust off your hands and bathe every once in a while.
Yes, bespectacled girl with messy hair wearing a baggy sweater and sensible shoes. People will start to look past the Vulcan ears you insist wearing everywhere and see it as "cute" rather than "fucking weird" and see the true beauty within you despite the fact that you smell like ben gay and cheap perfume.
Yes, angry web-forum troll, they will see the black heart that lurks within your dark exterior and destroy you for the monster you truly are.
In simpler terms, this is what happens when you ignore continuity and start over:
This is what happens when you don't:
Any questions?
This movie did exactly what it needed to do. It's a fun, compelling, and entertaining film that panders to its fans and brings in new fans whilst breathing new life int oa series that was long past dead. It actually made me interested in "Star Trek" again, which I haven't been since I was 10.
I give "Star Trek" a 5 out of 5.
No comments:
Post a Comment