Questionably Content

Watchmen (2009)

Directed by: Zack Snyder

Starring: Malin Ackerman, Billy Crudup, Matthew Goode, Jackie Earle Haley, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, and Patrikc Wilson
Other Actors of Note: Carla Gugino, Stephen McHattie

Plot: A group of heroes, forced into retirement a decade before are called together once again to investigate the murder of one of their own. What they discover an age-old conspiracy to change the balance of power in a world not different from our own. Taken from www.imdb.com


In the past you may have noticed that I really really don't like Alan Moore. I think the man is a slightly above-average writer who might be able to become truly great if he could just stop sucking himself off long enough to see that everything he writes isn't really that great. Of course his shortcomings could be forgiven if he wasn't such a self-absorbed cunt.

That being said I thoroughly enjoyed "V For Vendetta", "The League of Extraordinary Gentleman", "Miracleman", and definitely "Watchmen". Now while I don't think that it's the greatest fucking thing ever written ever I did find it to be a well-done and intelligently written book with its share of flaws that are thankfully outshined by the big picture.

"Watchmen" has long been considered unfilmable by most of its fans, this is due in no small part to the fact that Alan Moore is more than happy to rhapsodize about a fly crawling across a dog's chapped asshole rather than move the plot along.

Fortunately Zack Snyder, who directed the closest thing to a fitting remake to "Dawn of the Dead" and did an amazing job of adapting Frank Miller's "300" to the big screen. Moore asked to have no involvement with the project which would make sense if the only adaptations of his work in existence were "From Hell" and "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" but "V For Vendetta" has since come out and he has no reason to be bitching anymore.

So anyway "Watchmen" is a super heroes in the real world type of thing where the fantasy of golden age superheroism comes to a disturbing reality.

When The Comedian (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) is killed, vigilante suphero Rorschach (Jackie Earle Haley) draws the conclusion that someone is killing former superheroes. Meanwhile Silk Spectre's (Malin Akerman) husband, the radioactive superhero Dr. Manhattan (Billy Cruddup), predicts nuclear war within the near future.


Let's stark with the one I was most psyched about. Patrick Wilson continues to live up to my high expectations of him as an actor. When I heard he would be playing the part of Dan Drieberg/Nite Owl II I couldn't have been more excited. Okay, so Wilson isn't exactly the pudgy bastard that Drieberg was in the comics but the nerdy awkwardness and the concept of a child who was forced to grow up and accept that comic books don't come true remains and is played pitch perfectly. They could not have picked a more perfect actor to play the role of Nite Owl.

Billy Cruddup does okay but he doesn't get much of a chance to show his clout as he has to be cold and emotionless, talking in a soft indifferent voice that would make Bob Ross sound annoyed by comparison. Still his performance leaves nothing more to be desired.

Jeffrey Dean Morgan is one of the other big screen presences here. The Comedian is a complete bastard but you still end up liking him for no explainable reason. Unlike in the comic he doesn't become sympathetic at the end but still Morgan makes you love the hateful fucker.

Malin Ackerman is harder to pin down. Some may say she didn't play Silk Spectre II the way she should've as her character comes across too nice. In the comic, Laurie was a bitch, pure and simple and I never felt the emotional connection to that version of the character that I came to associate with Ackerman's performance in the film. It's a change, but in my opinion, it's one for the better.

Now I've saved the best for last. Jackie Earl Haley does not play Rorschach, he becomes Rorschach. Like Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark or Mickey Rourke as Marv, Haley hits every note pitch perfect. I was concerned he wouldn't look right outside of the mask but he looked as good out of the mask as in it and he brought a lot more emotion to the character than I ever imagined whilst reading the comic. Also, Christian Bale needs to take lesson from Haley, he does the Batman voice perfectly without the over-the-top strep throat voice.

At the beginning of 2004's "Dawn of the Dead" I saw a visual style that was utterly breathtaking for reasons I can't explain. Unfortunately, the bulk of that movie took place indoors in relatively cramped spaces and I didn't see any more wide breathtaking shots.

Fortunately, director Zack Snyder gets more chances to exploit that visual style this time around. The opening credits, showing the fall of the "golden age" superheros all to the tune of "The Times are a Changing" by Bob Dylan sets the tone for the film perfectly. In fact all of the music selections (except the fucking My Chemical Romance cover of a Bob Dylan song) work perfectly in scenes that you really wouldn't think that they would.

The story has had all the fat trimmed off of it and some would call this a travesty but it's really not. I miss the Bernies and the black freighter as much as the next person and watching Rorschach's psychiatrist succumb to his insanity would have been good too but for the most part they've junked the more tedious parts of the book. It becomes about the story and not everything that vaguely affects the story.

The big change to the end was a welcome one. I wasn't alive for the cold war so I can't speak personally but that aspect of the story didn't age well. The squid (if you haven't read the book in the 25 years it's been out then fuck you) was a stupid stupid plot device and the one it's been replaced with is a great improvement. Not to mention the ending has a much better tone, Rorschach's death feels like it means something this time around and it doesn't end with such a simple resignation of "Well that sucks... wanna go get nachos?"

My one big complaint is that it's rather apparent who The Comedian's killer is. The actor who plays him has a rather unique build and when you see him later in the film you peg him as the killer immediatly.

The costume designs have changed drastically for most characters but all for the better. Ozymandias' outfit is a clear mockery of movie superhero costumes with rubber sculpted abs and nipples, The Comedian's looks less like bondage gear, Silk Spectre II no longer looks like an Arabian prostitute, and Nite Owl's changed but it works. Rorschach's mask works quite well and for those of you concerned, yes you do see Dr. Mahattan's floppy radioactive cock.

While the costumes work the make-up artist for this film should be fired. When the characters are aged they look terrible. Carla Gugino and Jeffrey Dean Morgan both look particularly horrible in their latex "old people" make-up and the actor who plays Richard Nixon looks more like Danny Devito in "Batman Returns" than Tricky Dick. The make-up was the sole downfall in this movie.


I would easily say that "Watchmen" has topped "Spider-Man", "Sin City", and "The Dark Knight" as the greatest comic-book adaptation to take. Alan Moore can suck a dick I slash prices. Sorry, I will stop doing that one day.

I give "Watchmen" a 5 out o5.