Directed by: Marcus Nispel
Starring: Jared Padelecki, Danielle Panabaker, Travis Van Winkle, Amanda Righetti
Plot: A group of young adults discover a boarded up Camp Crystal Lake, where they soon encounter Jason Voorhees and his deadly intentions.
Remember during my "My Bloody Valentine" review when I said that Hollywood had finally heard my plea for remakes of old shitty movies? Well there are no shittier films than the "Friday the 13th" movies.
A series of bland uninteresting stories filled with worthless characters that serve as nothing more than cannon fodder for an audience of bloodthirsty horny tweens. The first movie was a bland uninteresting backwards take on "Psycho" that didn't even half live up to its predecessors "Halloween" and "Black Christmas."
So how did a shitty movie get 11 sequels? (counting "Freddy vs. Jason" which was sadly the only film in the entire series that felt the need for characters, continuity, or the vaguest hints of intelligence)
Two words: Jason Voorehees. The most popular disfigured hulking mantard this side of Sloth from "The Goonies" Voorhees is a character so iconic and cool that you don't care that the movie he's in is full of a laundry list of things that movies that want to be good shouldn't do. (Like featuring Kane Hodder.)
A remake was inevetable and I personally welcomed it becuase I always thought that if they could snag someone who maybe knew what a movie was then they could get something quality out of the series.
This film combines the plots of the first 3 "Friday" movies. We first see the ending of the first movie re-shot with new actresses and new locations. We get to see some counselor hack the head off of Pamela Voorhees with a machete and fade to black as Jason finds his mother's body laying by the lake shore.
We then fast forward to our 5 stereotypes: Asshole, Asshole's Slutty Girlfriend, Wise-ass "hero" type, Intelligent Stoner, and Girl-Who-Would-Never-Hang-Out-With-These-Fucks-In-Real-Life. Also known as the cast of the "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" remake.
So anyway they're looking for this big field of Marijuana so they can harvest and sell it to make serious cash. (Also the plot of the TCM remake.) Naturally they run afoul of a big angry guy with a pillowcase over his head and we see them each get systematically killed in horrible ways. Final bodycount, 6. The end.
Fuck no it's not! That's just the introduction before the main title opens up! So we're introduced to a new group of tweeny assholes composed of: Asshole, Asshole's Slutty Girlfriend, antoher Asshole, Other Asshole's Slutty Girlfriend (Seriously, this movies cast is mostly fake tits and real assholes), Asian Guy, Black Guy, and Girl-Who-Would-Never-Hang-Out-With-These-Fucks-In-Real-Life.
The quickly meet up with Mysterious-loner-looking-for-a-loved-one (who happens to be the previous Girl-Who-Would-Never-Hang-Out-With-These-Fucks-In-Real-Life) who runs afoul of the Alpha Asshole. (Travis Van Winkle playing essentially the same character he played in "Transformers" down to having the same first name.)
Things unfold in an entirely predictable way and then in a less predictable predictable way, then stuff happens and the movie ends. OR DOES IT?! It totally does... kinda. (I would have enjoyed it if they'd tacked on another longer movie to the ending of that one just to be coy.)
Okay so while the characters of this movie still serve as cheap cannon fodder some of them manage to actually have a personality. Let's talk about them.
Jared Padalecki plays the "hero" of the piece. The first time the last girl has been played by a guy but he looks like he just walked out of an Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue so it works. He mostly says things in a bemused whispery voice that just makes your clit hurt with the overwhelming desire for boy fuck. (Yes, I'm being sarcastic, you'll spend most of the movie snickering at him.)
Danielle Panabaker and Amanda Righetti co-star as the same character with two different names. I found neither performance particularly spectacular.
Travis Van Winkle I suppose does the best as he truly is a screen presence. I mean yes that presence encourages you to light the axe body spray fumes permeating from his pink pop collared body on fire and kick his douchy ass off a bridge. But then again that's what he's playing so I guess he succeeded. His character, Trent, is the epitomy of the "annoying asshole" character, but there's one scene where he screams like a bitch and earns himself a place as the only male to ever be dubbed a "scream queen."
Aaron Yoo plays the jokester Asian guy just like in "Disturbia" except honestly he's the most likeable character here as well as obligatory black guy Arlen Escapatra who is offended by black stereotype while being a good example of every single one of them. You kind of wonder what these two are doing hanging around this group of Aryan dickheads in the first place as neither of them are actually with any of the girls on the trip and nobody seems to actually like them.
Derek Mears is the new Jason and he does a great job. While I personally prefer the more symapthetic Ken Kirzinger version from "Freddy vs. Jason" this is at least a damn sight better than the utterly moronic Kane Hodder Jason we've had to put with since part 7. Jason is fast again, he's smarter, and he's more trim than he used to be with the exception of an obscenely large neck. Mears appears to have based his performance mainly on the brutal performance of Ted White in part 4 (The closest thing the series has ever had to a good movie.)
While things play out like your average "Friday' film the few changes are in Jason. He's back to running instead of shuffling and he now uses a bow and arrow for more practical purposes than skewering Kevin Bacon's voice box.
The addition I liked personally was that Jason is no longer just brutal, he's also crafty. He hangs a character upside down in a sleeping bag over a fire so her boyfriend will come running and step in a bear trap, nearly tearing his left off and forcing him to watch as his girlfriend burns to death. He uses a character as bait by injuring him and letting him scream out for help as he waits on the roof above the door for somebody to step out. They actually managed to make Jason kinda scary for once!
Unfortunately this film is done by the "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" remake's director Marcus Nispel who directs a bit too close to home with this one and makes Jason a bit too much like Leatherface. Not to mention that Jason's new look and persona are closer in actions to Michael Myers than Jason Voorhees. But since Rob Zombie's Michael Myers was essentially Jason Voorhees I suppose it's only fair.
The sets are all beautifully rendered and the splashes of color (especially in the night scenes) really light the screen up and keep you watching. The video quality is great which will please the type of person this movie was made for as there are no less than 2 obscenely long (for this type of movie) sex scenes.
While not as good as "My Bloody Valentine", it's a fun vaguely scary movie that will keep you entertained for as long as you're in the theater and honestly, what more do you need from this kind of movie.
It successfully breathed new life into "Friday the 13th" and slasher films in general and if they keep holding horror movies to higher standards then maybe one day we can pretend that Rob Zombie never happened.
I give "Friday the 13th" a 4 out of 5.
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