Never Cry Werewolf (2008)

Directed by: Brenton Spencer

Starring: Nina Dorbev, Peter Stebbbings, Kevin Sorbo, Sean O'Neill

Plot: When 16-year-old Loren (Nina Dobrev) and her family greet a new neighbor a good-looking single guy and his dog she senses something mysterious and dangerous about him. Her suspicions become further aroused when some of the locals begin disappearing one by one. As Loren becomes obsessed with her neighbors behavior, she is unaware that he is monitoring her just as closely like a hungry wolf stalks its prey at night. With the help of local TV hunting show personality Redd Tucker (Kevin Sorbo) and a delivery boy with a secret crush on attractive Loren, the unlikely trio prepare for a full-moon showdown against an immortal creature with insatiable bloodlust. Taken from www.imdb.com.

This never happens

Werewolf movies is a sub-genre at horror so saturated with utter shit that even vampire movies have a better track record. I can literally name all of the good werewolf movies worth seeing right here and now: "The Wolf Man", "The Howling", "An American Werewolf in London", "Dog Soldiers", "Wolfen", "Silver Bullet", and "Ginger Snaps."

Now comes a movie that actually has the potential to not suck if only because it rips off the plot, ideas, and just about everything else from "Fright Night". We have the creepy neighbor who turns into a monster, the kid next-door who gets wrapped up in the plot to stop the monster, the cops who go to the monster's house and leave when the kid admits they believe he's a monster, the female who happens to look exactly like the ex girlfriend ofthe monster from centuries ago, the creepy yet endearing sidekick with weird nuances to his speech, said sidekick getting turned into a monster, the burnded out TV personality who is contacted to help but turns out to just be an actor then at the end comes to kick ass and chew bubblegum, admittedly the monster's room-mate has been replaced by a dog and things have been shuffled around a bit, but all the components of "Fright Night" save for the fact we're dealing with werewolves rather than vampires are still there.

Now, that being said, I'm not going to bring up the rip-off anymore. I can't find a single fucking review of this movie on the whole of the intertubes that actually reviews the movie, they all just talk about how much like "Fright Night" it is.

Loren Hansett (Nina Dobrev) believes her new neighbor Jared Martin (Peter Stebbings) is a werwolf. But her little brother Kyle (Spencer Van Wyck) starts hanging out at creepy Jared's house (which seems to suggest something far more disturbing than lycanthropy.) Finally she seeks to stop him with the help of Kyle's weird emo friend Steven (Sean O'Neill) and TV hunter Redd Tucker (Kevin Sorbo.)

"I've got some candy in my pocket, why don't you reach in there and grab it."

Okay so "acting" and "talent" aren't real valid words here but I'll give this a try. Nina Dobrev of "Degrassi: The Next Generation" (if you want an idea of what kind of talent you're dealing with here) is passable but still pretty bad in her role as Loren. Even well acted though, Loren would suck. She deduces she's dealing with werewolves after seeing Jared shut off a light and decides that fighting a werwolf is best done in hip huggers (complete with wallet chain) and a sports bra. And her big ace in the hole weapon is a crossbow with silverware wired to the bolts (even though we see her walk out of a store with a SPAS-12 shotgun that she used to great effect earlier on.)

Peter Stebbings plays the creepiest skeeviest man I think I have ever seen and seems to suggest that the movie should be called "Never Cry Sex Offender." But his skill does little beyond saying "this guy is creepy."

Kevin Sorbo is pretty much the only reason to watch this movie. Sorbo has proven to be a decent actor in the past but he's pretty weak here. Fortunately that's far from the point with Redd Tucker. He serves as a nice campy addition to a movie that takes itself far too seriously. Unfortunately Redd just isn't cool enough to save the movie and never even really has a moment of triumph. It's rather dissappointing.

Apparently killing a werewolf only works if you're dressed like a lesbian biker from a 70s movie.

The effects can best be described as okay. The demon dog look pretty good for a CG model and when Sean O'Neill becomes halfway transformed looking more like something out of "Black Sheep" than an actual werewolf it really works.

Unfortunately the actual werewolf looks rather dissappointing below the neck. While the actual head looks fine, the body looks like a gorilla made to look like a wolf with claws. The fact that good effects are seen in the movie serves to make the actual effects all the more disappointing.

It's good to see that CG dog from "Resident Evil" still getting work.

The story is as I said ripped off pretty much entirely from "Fright Night" but that's not really a bad thing. In fact it's one of the film's redeeming qualities. Part of the problem is that it tries to copy it so much that the werwolf is essentially a vampire.

Did you know that werewolves can transform at will by using a charm made from the skin of a hanged criminal? Did you know that werewolves hated fire? Did you know that if you're bit by a werewolf you can go back to normal if the werewolf that bit you is killed before the firt full moon? Neither did anybody else. You know why? The film-makers pulled it all out of their ass to make the werewolf seem more interesting.

This complemented by the bland line-reading and the fact that every time the movie actually does something right it manages to mess it up.

Of course the most disappointing part of the movie is how underutilized Kevin Sorbo is. Red Tucker has the potential to be a Peter Vincent or Edgar Frog or Reggie, but instead they opt to just make him a coward and doesn't even manage to accidently succeed at doing one cool thing.

"Does this look infected to you?"

It's cheaply made, acted, and the writing is almost entirely ripped off but it's still fun and better than most werewolf movies manage to be. It's fun but little else. But hey... it's better than "Lost Boys 2."

I give "Never Cry Werewolf" a 3 out of 5. It's good for those $1 video rental machines and that's the only way you should watch it.

How to Lose Friends and Alienate People (2008)


Directed by: Toby Young

Starring: Simon Pegg, Kirsten Dunst, Megan Fox, Gillian Anderson

Other Actors of Note: Jeff Bridges, Danny Huston

Plot: A British writer struggles to fit in at a high-profile magazine in New York. Based on Toby Young's memoir "How to Lose Friends & Alienate People". Taken from www.imdb.com.

Simon Pegg commences his daily job of trying to coax Kirsten Dunst out from her blanket fort in the break room so they can do a scene.

Romantic comedies are like an abusive spouse. They hit you and scream at you and hurt you time after time but you always tell yourself you're done with them but they come to you with a nice premise and then before you know it you're going right back to them.

Unfortunately thanks to Richard Gere and that fish-lipped pirate hooker Julia Roberts romantic comedies started beating on the ones they love long ago and they've gotten better, but it still doesn't look hopeful.

However, being the naive little girl that I am, always running back to the genre that has mistreated me for as long as I can remember I still pray and hope that one day I can find a funny romantic comedy that alienates neither men nor women and doesn't have to have a plot about zombies to keep it interesting.

I went in to this movie not really knowing what to expect and much likes David Schwimmer's recent romantic comedy "Run Fatboy Run", also starring Simon Pegg which was good more due to the strength of its ensemble cast than its plot or dialogue.

Sidney Young (Simon Pegg) is a british reporter who dishes the dirt on celebrities in his independently produced magazine. He's blackballed by every celebrity and agent everywhere because he's brutally honest and scathing and more often than not insults and debases any celebrity he covers.

After a debacle where he chats up Thandie Newton (Pegg's inhumanly gorgeous co-star from "Run Fatboy Run") and gets beaten up by Clint Eastwood he gets hired to a popular American publication by Clayton Harding (Jeff Bridges), the owner of the magazine.

But upon reaching New York city he fucks up pretty much everything he can and clashes with his boss (Danny Huston), his coworker (Kirsten Dunst), and some sort of talent agent (Gillian Anderson).

Naturally by the halfway point of the film, Kirsten Dunst is soiling her panties over him and they kiss in slow motion.

"So he says 'You've got red on you' and I say..." "Huh? Were you talking? I'm sorry, I was busy thinking about how I'm ruining the Spider-Man franchise with my bad acting."

Simon Pegg is for the most part the glue that holds this film together. His great acting ability helps keep the overly pass'e and tired role of the loveable loser without a hope. The problem is that Sidney isn't a loveable loser, he's an asshole. Toby Young (the writer of the book on which the movie is based and the inspiration for Pegg's character) was reportedly banned from set for annoying the actors and interrupting the director, and honestly if he's half the annoying troll that Sidney is I can't blame the crew for banning him.

It's as if halway through the movie Robert B. Weide went "Holy shit, this guy's a douche. We need 50 ccs of likeablity stat!" This transition goes from going down like a bucket full of acid-tipped sea urchins to merely going down like a martini glass of razor wire coated in balsemic vingar. The fact that Pegg makes this shit bearable really shows his ability.

Surprisingly Kirsten Dunst, who I haven't liked in the least since the first "Spider-Man" movie, shows a rare sort of endearing charm and loveability. Of course this is somewhat thrown out by the fact that her character is dating ultra douchebag Danny Huston behind his wife's back but she still shows disgust at seeing Pegg with another woman after she's told him she's going to be with Huston.

Gillian Anderson plays her part well. She's manipulative, mean-spirited, and a total domineering ice queen. I might have been put off by her character if I wasn't too busy drooling and howling like a Tex Avery wolf.

Megan Fox was the big surprise to me. Despite being too sexy for even me to hate her becuase she's a flash in the pan starlet who mostly got to where she is by her looks without concentrating on it really hard she manages to do a great job in a very satirical job. He line delivery isn't bland like it was in "Transformers" and she comes across like an airheaded bitcy Paris Hilton type.

I never thought Danny Huston would seem more creepy without vampire fangs. His character is scummy and just a general dick, the fact that his mouth seems roughly the size to fit at least 3 pool balls helps this come across.

And finally Jeff Bridges is really the best actor in the movie. Though he has something like 15 minutes of screen time he plays all of it great. It's apparent that Harding was at one point not unlike Sidney and sold out to become successful and regrets it but knows he's doing all he can. Of course Clayton is such a minor part that it wouldn't matter if he was Citizen fucking Kane.

Gillian Anderson as a mean-spirited dominant woman only supports that long time fantasy of her dressed in leather beating me with a rolled up copy of the script for the "X-Files" movie... uh... I mean...

As I said above, the story is decidedly divided between two very different halves and its so apparent that you can practically see the seams.

The first half is actually a rather ballsy r rated reasonably decent comedy which has some good jokes if they are a bit cliche. The only real problem with the first half is that Simon Pegg is just too damn likable to play Sidney. As a result you feel like everyone is being mean, unfair, and just downright prickish to him.

At about the halfway point the story changes entirely and Simon Pegg falls for Kirsten Dunst. Okay, that's a bit strange but it makes some kind of sense. What's even more bewildering is that she falls for him.

Next Dunst continues making mistakes by falling for Danny Huston and Simon Pegg gets down on his knees in the rain and begs Gillian Anderson to let him write an article praising a hack director. Then we're treated to a Rocky-like triumphant montage of Pegg shilling and becoming a sellout all to the most inspiring music the crew could dig up.

Fortunately he comes to his senses and all is well... I guess. I'm not sure what sort of message this film is trying to convey and I wonder how much of Toby Young's book actually made it into the latter half of this movie.

To sum it up the first half is full crude jokes, transexual strippers, and two-thirds of the cast of "The IT Crowd" the second half is cliche, tired, and not all that great.

"That rug really tied the room together, dude."

If anybody remembers "How to Lose Friends and Alienate People" it will be because of a good ensemble cast or because they're trying to recall horribly unspectacular romantic comedies.

I give "How to Lose Friends nad Alienate People" a 2 out of 5. It's not horrible, but you won't be missing anything if you don't see it.







Man enough is fucking enough, I am sick of these motherfucking romantic comedies on my motherfucking blog! It's fucking october, romantic comedies can suck a dick, I'm reviewing a horror movie!

Choke (2008)

Directed by: Clark Gregg

Starring: Sam Rockwell, Anjelica Huston, Brad William Henke, Kelly Macdonald

Plot: Victor Mancini, a sex-addicted med-school dropout, who keeps his increasingly deranged mother, Ida, in an expensive private medical hospital by working days as a historical re-enactor at a Colonial Williamsburg theme park. At night, Victor runs a scam by deliberately choking in upscale restaurants to form parasitic relationships with the wealthy patrons who "save" him. When, in a rare lucid movement, Ida reveals that she has withheld the shocking truth of his father's identity, Victor enlists the aid of his best friend, Denny and his mother's beautiful attending physician, Dr. Paige Marshall, to solve the mystery before the truth of his possibly divine parentage is lost forever. Taken from www.imdb.com.


Chuck Palahniuk is quite possibly the most fucked-up writer in the world. A good writer of drama, his works are always accentuated by the dark side of reality that he brings out in each of his stories. One would be hard-pressed to find a single one of his stories that don't seem like they would make a good movie. However, to date, 1999's "Fight Club" directed by David Fincher has been the only film adaptation of one of Palahniuk's novels.

Now comes "Choke", a novel that is decidedly more lighthearted than the rest of Palahniuk's bibliography. While comparison to "Fight Club" is unfair there are a few parallels to be drawn. Some of the same themes such as a man with a seeming fear of true intimacy and a no-name loser abused by the system working against it.

"Choke" is the story of Victor Mancini (Sam Rockwell), a medical school droupout who works in a coloniel village attraction with his best friend Denny (Brad William Henke). Victor is a sex addict who basically goes to the meetings to pick up chicks. In his spare time he goes to restaraunts and chokes on food so that someone will save him and then they will feel in his debt and send him money that he uses to keep his alzheimers effected mother (Anjelica Huston) in a nice nursing home.

Victor's mother doesn't recognize him and one day during a visit reveals that she has lied to him about who his father is so he has Denny pose as him as the new doctor (Kelly Macdonald) helps him try and cure his mother through the help of stem-cell research and finds out he might be cloned from the holy foreskin of Jesus Christ.

Sam Rockwell is, as always, wonderful in this movie. This was a bit of new ground for him as he's less his usual "Hillbilly Brad Pitt" role and more of an everyman character than he usually plays. I found it strange how much he reminded me of Edward Norton in this movie and not just because of the fact that it was based on another story by Chuck Palahniuk.

Brad William Henke is lovable as the "Look at me, I'm a bigger loser than the main character" best friend. Henke's character has a problem with chronic masturbation and is in sexaholics anonymous to help him get over his problem. He finds support in a ditzy blond stripper: Cherry Daiquiri (Gillian Jacobs) who dyes her hair brown because Sam Rockwell tells her that skin cancer is common for blonds.

Angelica Huston is in what is quite possibly her strangest role yet (and I'm counting Morticia Addams) as Victor's mother Ida. Ida appears to be some kind of con-woman or just crazy miscreant on the run, it's unclear why she does much of what she does but it is possible that she has a severe case of dementia in the flashbacks as well as the present. She plays the part straight, which is probably why Ida is so hilarious. Huston doesn't try to act funny, it's her dry and dead-serious line delivery that makes it that much better.

Finally we have the ridiculously adorable Kelly Macdonald as Paige Marshall. Paige is a very mousy yet strangely confident woman. She's professional but something about her doesn't seem quite right. Of course, this being a Chuck Palahniuk story, something isn't. Paige doesn't seem like a very interesting character until about two-thirds of the way through the movie. Sadly it's not much of a change for Macdonalds acting-wise and the mousy-ness, while endearing, just comes across as bad acting.

If "Fight Club" was the most fucked up coming of age story you've ever laid eyes on, then "Choke" is the most fucked up romantic comedy you'll ever lay eyes on. It has the same basic formula of any romantic comedy but with those classic Palahniuk twists.Everything has a dark and quirky edge to it and that's what gives "Choke" all of its charm. It manages to be surreal as well as disturbingly real. As bizarre as things seem, Victor Mancini is a character that, just like Edward Norton's un-named protagonist in "Fight Club", just about everyone can relate to in some way or another.

I will come out and say that I have not read but the first couple chapters of this book, so I'm judging the film solely on its own merits. So all of you purists can kindly shut the fuck up and leave me to the review as I don't care what you have to say, I'll form my own opinion on how good an adaptation it is once I finish the book, till then you may join the "Wanted" purists and kindly go fuck yourselves.

The choking didn't play as major of a role as I thought it would, there are only really three scenes that make a big deal of it: one introducing the concept, one as a joke, and another as a flashback. Of course there's one final one at the end of the movie that caused the entire audience to roar with laughter, I won't ruin it but I'm sure you'll find it hilarious as well.

"Choke" is funny, cynical, and unapologetically obscene (one of my favorite scenes involves Victor having a one-night stand with a masochist who keeps interupting him and telling him the proper way to "rape" her.) but it's also clever and witty, the dialog is solid all the way through and the movie is filled to the brim with one-liners.

My only real problem with this movie was that it seemed too light-hearted. True the story is not neccesarilly bleak, but everything seemed too bright and cheery for what the story is about. I think this was the thing that hindered the film most, it made it seem like it was trying too hard to be funny and trying to overcome the pessimistic narration that tied the scenes together.


"Choke" will never hold the same legacy or appeal as "Fight Club" but it's still a very well-done movie that's worth the time to see if for no reason other than it's something new and different.

I give "Choke" a 4 out of 5. It's a good movie and you should definitively watch it and think about buying it.

Eagle Eye (2008)

This review contains mild spoilers but honestly if you couldn't figure them out on your own you're empty inside and should probably just lock yourself in your room and cry tears of sorrow into your pillows over your worthless existence while Linkin Park's "Crawling" soothes you to sleep.


Directed By: D.J. Caruso

Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Michelle Monaghan, Julianne Moore (uncredited)

Other Actors of Note: Rosario Dawson, Billy Boy Thornton, Michael Chiklis, Ethan Embry, William Sadler

Plot: Jerry Shaw (LaBeouf) and Rachel Holloman (Monaghan) are two strangers thrown together by a mysterious phone call from a woman they have never met. Threatening their lives and family, she pushes Jerry and Rachel into a series of increasingly dangerous situation, using the technology of everyday life to track and control their every move. As the situation escalates, these two ordinary people become the country's most wanted fugitives, who must work together to discover what is really happening -– and more importantly, why.


You know those movies that are good but so incredibly unrealistic that even flipping your brain to "Die Hard" mode doesn't quite fix the fact that there isn't a thing that's the least bit plausible about the entire fucking thing?

You may have experienced this feeling whilst watching films like "Sunshine", "The Core", or anything that features Stephen Seagal in a prominent role. And whilst the movie is mind numbingly insulting to any semblence of intelligence you might hold you find a supreme enjoyment in coming up with snarky comments to say about it on the imaginary movie blog in your head.

Fortunately this movie blog is neither imaginary nor in my head. And my time has come...

"Eagle Eye" is a political thriller in much the same way that "No Country For Old Men" is a feel good comedy. Don't get me wrong it tries really hard to be intelligent but half the time I was just expecting Shia LaBeouf to drive a police car into a helicopter. (For reference, Billy Bob Thornton does actually crash a Reaper spy plane with a half-ton pick-up truck.

Shia LaBeouf plays Jerry Shaw, a no-name slacker with no path and life and a fear of shaving. He is suddenly called by his mother after three years away from home to be told that his twin brother Ethan (Shia LaBeouf) has just died.

Across town Rachel Holloman (Michelle Monaghan) sends her son off to a band performance in Washington D.C. with the help of her deadbeat ex-husband. Both Jerry and Rachel get calls telling them that they have been "activated" accompanied by orders (Jerry gets framed for terrorism and Rachel gets her son's life threatened.)

Well it eventually turns out that the evil voice on the phone (Julianne Moore) is some self-aware super-computer along the lines of Skynet, Shodan, GLaDOS, HAL 9000, AUTO, and Oprah. Complete with giant white orb on stock with glowing red eye. Unfortunately after making their super computer to "gather intelligence" they mistakenly install a copy of Microsoft Windows Vista: Vengeful Cunt Edition into her software and she decides to make the executive branch assplode.


Let me put a little disclaimer for some of you. I know a lot of you think Shia LaBeouf is overused and untalented, but since you're all entitled to my opinion and that I would rather hammer roofing nails into my dick then listen to any of you fuckers bitch and moan about it one more time I'm going to kindly ask you to either A) shut up or B) Put a cat in a pillowcase, shake it up, and then put it over your head.

Shia LaBeouf gives probably one of the finer performances of his career. Jerry is a believable character and there wasn't one bit of his performance that I found to be hard to take. (Which is good because most of the rest of the movie was.) And for those who claim that LaBeouf can only play more or less one role, he does a fine job in a role that is nothing like his parts in "Transformers", "Disturbia", or "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" other than that he plays a relatively normal guy in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Michelle Monaghan who I am glad to see in an A list movie that isn't "The Heartbreak Kid" does a wonderful job in the role of Rachel. Her performance as a troubled single mother with no regard for anything other than the safety of her own child is wonderfully done.

Billy Bob Thornton plays an FBI agent who's a bit too action movie-y for the film's own good. He uses a pick-up truck to blow up a Reaper spy plane. Though he does have some rather humorous lines, particularly "You'd better be looking at me because I'm a suspect because if you don't figure this out I'm going to make sure you're all demoted to a job that requires you to touch shit with your hands."

Rosario Dawson plays some sort of Airforce special agent or something. What I found particularly odd is that she starts out the movie with a pale complexion (I didn't think it could possibly be Rosario Dawson due to the fact that she was too white) but grows darker as the film progresses. She plays her role a bit too seriously and by the time she's stabbing ARI's giant HAL eye with a metal pole after crawling out of an inexplicable pool of water. (Because jamming a piece of metal in something electircal whilst soaking wet is always a good idea.) She is ultimately an unneccesary part of the movie and her performance is rather inconsequential.

Julianne Moore (Which Rosario Dawson has confirmed is the voice of ARI) is fittingly creepy as the malevolent super computer. Not as creepy as Shodan but at least creepier than GLADoS, though there were points when I expected her to goad America to its doom with empty promises of freedom and cake.

And this brings us to Defense Secretery Vic Mackey. I have no idea why anybody thought it was good to put Michael Chiklis in a role where he doesn't bust someone's face in. This is not to say I think Michael Chiklis is a bad actor, but come on that's like Secretery of State Gilbert Gottfried! Some actors fill niches and Michael Chiklis' nich'e involves acting intense and breaking things.


The story of "Eagle Eye" is so incredibly implausible that I don't even know where to start. ARI for some reason can pretty much control anything on "the grid" to the point of being able to read ripples on a glass of water to detirmine what's being spoken and making power lines spontaneously bust and fall on Iranian-Americans that are apparently have skin made of magnesium.

This is the kind of movie that just encourages the lunatics living in wooded cabins with a barn full of bullets and a gigantic stash of hoarded beans to believe all the paranoid delusions they've always had. As if "Shooter" didn't already give them an exscuse to live in the woods and talk on CB radios because the United States government built a hybrid between HAL 9000 and Cerebro in the basement of the pentagon.

Speaking of Ari, I have no idea who came up with this plot device but it was a bigger show stopper than the loom in "Wanted." About a million and one evil super computer jokes popped into my head about how Ari was going to send Governor Schwarzenneger back to the past to kill Rosario Dawson's mother, or how I expected Jonathan Coulton's "Still Alive" to play over the end credits. (It totally should have.)

My favorite part is when Shia LeBeouf takes three bullets to the torso (hitting his heart, lung, and spine respectively) and is shown later in a scene maybe two lakes later looking no worse for wear in a fucking ARM SLING! Couldn't they have at least done the prerequisite wheelchair and chest wound withbandages with suit jacket wrapped around his shoulders and a bandage serving as a crude headband for no particular reason?

And Shia wins out in the end and becomes a national hero and gets to bang Michelle Monaghan which is worth it because she is incredibly hot.



...even if she did sleep with Chook Chutney.


"Eagle Eye" (aka "Live Free or Die Hard 2: Live Free or Die Harderer" or "2008: A Spaced Oddity") is a pretty mindless movie that'll be something nice to watch on a saturday afternoon on HBO.

I give "Eagle Eye" a 3 out of 5. It's entertaining but utterly forgettable, rent it sometime.

Lakeview Terrace (2008)

Directed by: Neil LaBute

Starring: Samuel L. Jackson, Patrick Wilson, and Kerry Washington

Other Actors of Note: Ron Glass and Jay Hernandez

Plot: Abel Turner (Samuel L. Jackson) is a LAPD officer and strict single father of a 15 year old daughter and 10 year old son. He is also the self appointed neighborhood watch patrol in Lakeview Terrace. A young interracial couple, Chris (Patrick Wilson) and Lisa Mattson (Kerry Washington), move into their first home next door to Abel. Abel is raising his children by very strict standards, and he disapproves of any bad behavior in the neighborhood. Abel believes that Chris and Lisa are bad influences on his children, and he decides to harass them until they move. Taken from www.imdb.com.


The fact that Samuel L. Jackson stars primarily in cinematic abortions and spends far too much time discussing his hatred of avian reptiles always tends to make me forget that he really is one of the finest actors ever.

True he's had more bad movies but how can anyone forget "Pulp Fiction's" Jules Winnfield, or "Jackie Brown's" Ordell Robie, "Grand Theft Auto San Andreas'" Frank Tenpenny, or "Coach Carter." Besides, he's the hardest working man in Hollywood. Do you think it's easy never turning down a script?

"Lakeview Terrace" is just another thriller/drama in the pantheon of ambiguously tonal movies such as "Paparazzi", "Changing Lanes", and "Hard Candy." Fortunatley it's more the latter two than the former.

It's the story of Chris (Patrick Wilson) and Lisa (Kerry Washington) Mattson, a newly married interracial couple moving into their first home on Lakeview Terrace (Hey, that's the name of this movie!)

But their neighbor Abel Turner (Samuel L. Muthafuckin' Jackson) quickly tries to put them out of their home with several tactics to make them want to leave. Soon the situation escalates and shit be freaky.


There are only 3 performances in this film that are actually important enough to note. Let's start with the most inconsequential.

Kerry Washington, of "The Last King of Scotland" and "Fantastic Four", gives a decent albeit reined in performance as Lisa Mattson. She desperately wants to be a mother and it's implied that she stops taking her birth control pills without telling her husband so as to get pregnant. However, all of this kind of becomes a moot point and Lisa ends up being more of a background character than a proper lead.

Patrick Wilson, most notable for his performance in 2005's "Hard Candy", has gone from being beat up by a 13-year-old girl to pistol whipping Sam Jackson. Wilson showed a lot of good acting potential in "Hard Candy" but he really comes into his own here. He reminds me of a young Michael Keaton both in looks and actions and really serves as a solid adversary for Samuel L. Jackson and holds his own on the acting field as well. Chris is clearly bothered by how people treat him, being a white man married to a black woman, and is especially annoyed by Abel's behaviour. I hope to see more of Patrick Wilson in the future.

Then of course, there's Samuel L. Jackson. Abel Turner is a cross between the psychotic father Doyle Gibson that Jackson played in "Changing Lanes" and Denzel Washington's crooked cop Alonzo from "Training Day." Meaning that aside from being a racist nutjob, Abel is also a crooked asshole policeman. The look of outrage on his face when Abel sees that Kerry Washington is married to Patrick Wilson as opposed to Ron Glass, who actually turns out to be her father says everything. While it gets a bit tiresome, it's nice to see a movie that's not afraid to show that people of other races can be racist too.


I'm told that this film was penned by a playwright, and if this is true it really shows in this movie. The same sort of focus on the main characters, simplistic sets, and no nonsense storline that is usually seen in plays is shown here. There are no establishing shots and it's hard to get a good mental picture of what any area actually looks like.

What hurts the story the most, however, is the plot lines it shows only to leave untied. Abel's got more problems than just being a racist prick. He's an abusive man with questionable practices as a law officer and a father. The conflict between Abel and his children is left unresolved (though I guess you could say the ending sort of resolves it.) Also the problems between Chris and his father-in-law as well as Chris and Lisa over their unborn child never seem to resolve fully.

The story reeks of drama but gets so caught up in being a thriller that it never quite reaches its dramatic potential. This makes the tone of the film confusing and hard to get behind as even the film-makers seem to be unsure of what sort of movie they're making.

One of the finer notes of the film and my personal favorite was the backdrop of the California wildfire during the entire movie. The wildfire serves as a wonderful mcguffin, always looming over every scene as some sort of unseen menace and even in the final scenes of the movie it is downplayed as being the lesser of two evils in comparrison to Abel's horrible actions.


It's a movie with a lot of unrealized potential that could have been much better than it was. You won't find "Lakeview Terrace" to be unsatisfying but you'll walk away feeling like there was something missing.

I give "Lakeview Terrace" a 3 out of 5. It's worth seeing but you're not missing anything if you don't.

Death Race (2008)


Directed by: Paul W.S. Anderson

Starring: Jason Statham, Joan Allen, Tyrese Gibson

Other Actors of Note: Ian McShane, David Carradine

Plot: Ex-con Jensen Ames is forced by the warden of a notorious prison to compete in our post-industrial world's most popular sport: a car race in which inmates must brutalize and kill one another on the road to victory. Taken from www.imdb.com


Back in 1975 when the year 2000 seemed like a long time away and Roger Corman created "Death Race 2000" a wonky, bloody, and delightfully ridiculous sci-fi film featuring then no-name actors David Carradine and Sylvester Stallone and was based on the short story "The Racer" by Ib Melchior.

Now one would look at a movie directed by Paul W.S. Anderson (the man responsible for the "Resident Evil" movies and "Alien vs. Predator"), produced by Roger Corman (the man responsible for some of the worst films ever made), and Jason Statham (The man responsible for at least 2 of the most retarded action movies on the planet: "Transporter 2" and "Crank") would be the cinematic equivalent to having your testicles put in a vice and slowly smashed until they resemble pork tenderloins.

However, I am happy to report that your would be wrong. If "Riki-Oh: The Story of Riki" was "Cool Hand Luke" for retarded 12-year-olds, "Death Race" is "The Shawshank Redemption" for retarded 12-year-olds.

The movie is about Jensen Ames (Jason Statham with a name only slightly less stupid than Chev Chelios) a former NASCAR driver who's pretty much on a slow road to prison anyway. When his wife is killed and he gets framed for her murder he just happens to get sent to the prison where Death Race takes place.

We all know the spiel now, having heard it in "Battle Royale", and "Riki-Oh", and "The Running Man" and God knows how many other things. The economy collapses, prisons are run by private corporations, and futuristic bloodsports are put on for the entertainment of the public.

So it turns out Jensen was brought in to replace crowd favorite Frankenstein (David Carradine, half-assed reprising his role from the original film), a driver so disfigured by the many car wrecks he's had that he wears a mask. He is promised that if he can win one race he will be set free, but unfortunately Machine Gun Joe (Tyrese Gibson) is looking to kill Jensen just as he killed Frankenstein in the headache inducing opening sequence.


Let me just say that I use the term "acting" with a grain of salt here. This movie isn't about acting, it's about making things explode.

Jason Statham plays the type of character that Jason Statham would play. He kicks ass and chews bubblegum but he is out of bubblegum. Naturally he's 100% in control the entire film and never experiences a moment where he's not kicking ass or getting revenge for getting his ass kicked.

Tyrese Gibson plays a very angry man who wants to win so he can be released. Which kind of seems pointless as the man is clearly a lunatic and would probably end up right back in for killing somebody. There's an interesting exchange of dialog early in the movie:

"Machine Gun Joe has a male navigator, because he's gay"

"Actually it's because he goes through navigators so fast, the violence towards women upsets the audience."

It was like Paul W.S. Anderson was anticipating imdb forum topics before the movie was even made.

Then of course there's Ian McShane as the coach and main guy in the pit crew for Jensen. The first time I saw him I went "Wow, Al Pacino has really let himself go." No less McShane, probably does the closest thing to actual acting of anyone in this film.

Then finally we have Joan Allen as the bitchy ice queen warden Hennessy. Who most likely has teeth in her vagina and a very large stick up her ass. She does pretty much what she does in the trailer.


The effects are pretty good here. The movie, while naturally toned far down from it's 1975 counterpart, is still shockingly violent. We see people being shot and splattered and shot and shot and... uh... shot. Machine Gun Joe probably has the highest body count just on navigators alone.

Then of course there's the cars. The cars look fucking awesome, every single one of them. They're all built to look fast yet strong. Then of course partway through the film we're introduced to The Dreadnaught (dramatic overlude) a giant tanker semi with anti-aircraft guns, spiked tires, flamethrowers, and a tank turret on the back.

This movie is so blissfully violent and full of explosions, blood, and carnage that it brings out the kid in all of us. It's pure mindless violence in its most distilled form.


Story-wise "Death Race" borrows a lot from "The Longest Yard", "Shawshank Redemption", "The Running Man", and "Twisted Metal."

It's interesting to see how this series has come full circle from "Death Race 2000" to the video game "Twisted Metal" which was arguably the closest thing to "Death Race" video game (moreso even than "Carmageddon 3: The Death Race 2000") and now "Death Race" seems like a movie version of "Twisted Metal."

So blatant is the video game allegory that the track even has power-ups. There are circles on the ground. Running over a sword turns on the machine guns, running over a shield turns on the smoke, oil, and napalm. Running over a skull brings up a spike barrier that will kill you.

Paul W.S. Anderson being no stranger to video game adaptations no-doubt did this intentionally. Wanting the movie to feel like a big video game. In fact if Anderson wanted to just go ahead and make a "Twisted Metal" movie, he has my blessing.

Many people have said that this movie is sacrilige to the original 1975 film. And while it is decidedly lacking in running over old ladies for points and Sylvester Stallone in a pimp suit it's about as close to the original as a mainstream movie is going to get these days.


It's fun, it's mindlessly violent, and blissfully retarded but it's probably the most fun you're going to have watching a movie for a while so stop paying attention and just wach things 'assplode.

I give "Death Race" a 4 out of 5.

Burn After Reading (2008)


Directed by: Joel and Ethan Coen

Starring: Francis McDormand, George Clooney, Brad Pitt,

Other Actors of Note: John Malkovich, Tilda Swinton, Richard Jenkins, and J.K. Simmons

Plot: A disk containing the memoirs of a CIA agent ends up in the hands of two unscrupulous gym employees who attempt to sell it. Taken from www.imdb.com.

The Coen Brothers are some of the finest writer/directors to ever grace the field of cinema. They're also some of the most underrated. Oh sure people love the shit out of "Blood Simple", "O Brother Where Art Thou", and "The Big Lebowski" but movies like "The Hudsucker Proxy", "Barton Fink", and "Raising Arizona" (Quite possibly the greatest movie in known existence) go largely ignored.

The Coen Brothers don't make bad movies, they make movies you don't understand. This doesn't mean you're dense or stupid, it just means you don't understand it. There is not one Coen Brothers movie that I have been displeased with that I didn't learn to enjoy on repeat viewings, this is including "Intolerable Cruelty" and "The Ladykillers" (I am one of maybe 3 people on earth that think that movie's hilarious.)

"Burn After Reading" is banking mostly off the success of last year's "No Country For Old Men" and I think that will hurt it more than anything. "Burn After Reading" is like a combination of "The Ladykillers" and "The Big Lebowski."

It's the story of a CIA agent Osbourne Cox (John Malkovich) who gets demoted due to his drinking problem an quits his job. He is immediatly mocked for his choice by his ice-queen wife Katie (Tilda Swinton) who is having an affair with federal marshal Harry Pfarrer (George Clooney.)

Katie soon comes to the conclusion that it's time to leave Osbourne and takes his financial information off of his personal computer, accidently taking the memoirs of his time in the CIA he was in the process of writing.

The personal assistant of Katie's lawyer has the disk that Katie has burnt the information onto and accidently leaves it at the Hardbodies Gym where it is found by Chad (Brad Pitt) who jumps on the oppurtunity to play spy and try and blackmail Osbourne for the purpose of paying for coworker Lynda Litzke. (Frances McDormand)

Of course in typical Coen fashion, everything goes to shit and a bunch of people end up dying.

This is an all-star cast that certainly proves its clout. George Clooney plays the same type of smooth-talking paranoid delusional man he played in "Intolerable Cruelty" and "O Brother Where Art Thou" but there's also a touch of his character from "Syriana" but skewed and over-exaggerated to the point of parody. Harry is a womanizer and a paranoid coward, but he's also the only character in the entier film who seems to have even the slightest hope of being a good person.

On the other side of the coin. Frances McDormand seems like the least likely person to improve herself. From the beginning, Linda is vain (she probably thinks this song is about her) and seems to care about only her looks. She even seems absolutely oblivious to the horrifically obvious come-ons of her boss Ted (Richard Jenkins.) On top of this, Linda is incredibly shallow and greedy, using Chad to try and blackmail money and when failing that going to the Russian Embassy to trade in the CIA secrets she thinks are on the disk. Frances McDormand plays the role beautifully as the anti-thesis to her character Marge Gunderson from the other Coen directed film "Fargo" where Marge was intelligent and full of depth, Linda is ignorant and about as deep as a pothole.

From the previews we are led to believe that Brad Pitt is the lead of this film. This is wrong. Brad Pitt has very little screen time in this movie and the character of Chad doesn't have very much to do with the story. This is a shame as this movie beautifully showcases Brad Pitt's acting talent. I sometimes forget that Brad Pitt is a brilliant actor when he's not busy making shit movies like "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" and bouncing back and forth between two actresses I could give a fuck about. Chad is a genuine idiot, a new-age health nut who rides a bike everywhere he goes and whose entire wardrobe consists of shorts and form fitting t-shirts. Every scene with Chad is like watching a thought creep slowly across his mind and even then being barely comprehended. This movie could have been 2 hours of Brad Pitt chomping gum and dancing to his iPod and I still would have loved it.

The two weak performances here are Tilda Swinton and John Malkovich. They just come across as two very angry two dimensional characters. John Malkovich drinks and says fuck a lot and Tilda Swinton dissapprovingly criticizes everything she looks at. Neither one wowed me, though it did impress me that Tilda Swinton played a charcter more bitchy than the evil witch she played in "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe."


Every Coen movie has its own personal "gimmick" that really needs to be seen before one can truly understand where the movie is coming from. "Burn After Reading's" gimmick is that it's a spoof of political thrillers like "Syriana", "The Sum of All Fears", "The Bourne Identity", "Shooter", etc.

The big joke is that this is a political thriller where nothing really happens. While steeped in government secrets and espionage it's nothing more than the tale of a bunch of really dumb people fucking up each other's lives and has no effect on national security at all as shown in two scenes involving J.K Simmons as a CIA director who doesn't really care about any of this.

The beauty is that the music and cinematography doesn't seem to be in on the joke. The music is composed of low register bangs and overludes and the camera zooms in and out at extreme angles dramatically.

The ensemble cast plays off of one-another perfectly and it's interesting to see how the actions of each character affect the others. The movie takes several black comedic turns and each one is absolutely hilarious, most of them playing off the espionage angle.

The Coens are always able to inject humor into everything they do. Even Cormac McCArthy's downer "No Country For Old Men" had plenty of comedic lines (line that I might ad were not funny in the book.) The same is done here with camera work, musical cues, and especially subtle gestures and body language, particularly on the part of Brad Pitt.

It's the kind of subtle genius that I don't think most audiences will appreciate. Though the humor is a little easier to spot than it was in the vastly underrated black comedy "The Ladykillers" I think its still a bit too funny for the "No Country For Old Men" audience and a bit too subtle for the "Big Lebowski" crowd.

I reccomend several repeat viewings of this film upon its release even if you did kind of like it. Once you truly see where the movie is coming from it's brilliant, witty, and hilarious. Otherwise you'll probably just be scratching your head and wondering why anybody likes it.

"Burn After Reading" is a fine addition to the Coen Brothers library of modern movie masterpieces. You may not appreciate it at first but don't give up on it, keep watching it and it will grow on you.

I give "Burn After Reading" a 5 out of 5. Go see it.