Doghouse (2009)


Directed by: Jake West

Starring: Danny Dyer, Stephen Graham, Noel Clarke, and Emil Marwa

Plot: A group of men head to a remote village to help one of their friends get over his divorce; when they get there, though, they discover that all the women have been infected with a virus that makes them man-hating cannibals. Taken from www.imdb.com.


As I said in my review of "The Cottage" there's a new type of movie coming out of Britian. Movies such as "Severance", "Evil Aliens", and "The Cottage" that are filled with dark humor, usually set the film up as a genre other than horror (in this case some sort of drunken sex comedy), and involve rougher treatment of the heroes (often bodily mutilation) that's not typical to the genre.

Of this sub-genre of film I think "Doghouse" is easily the best of all. Jake West, director of "Evil Aliens", has made the slightly larger budgeted and much better acted progression of his alien horror comedy and "Doghouse" truly is everything "Evil Aliens" was and wasn't.

It's about Neil (Danny Dyer), Vince (Stephen Graham), Mikey (Noel Clarke), Matt (Lee Ingleby), Patrick (Keith-Lee Castle), Graham (Emil Marwa), and Banksy (Neil Maskell) a group of childhood friends who have gotten together for a weekend of drinking and womanizing in a remote town in Great Britian.

Unfortunately this town has become the home of an airborne virus that infects only women and turns them into murderous mutant creatures that kill and devour men. Hijinks ensue!


There's a lot of people in this movie but only 3 of them matter, let's talk about them! First up we have Noel Clarke, who you will probably remember as Mickey from the new "Doctor Who" series. Noel is important and does a good job but not important enough to talk about further!

Stephen Graham, best known as Tommy from "Snatch", is the closest thing this movie has to a main character. Vince is the victim of a nasty divorce and a beat down broken man as a result of it. The entire weekend excursion is for Vince's benefit and its his growth as a character that the movie follows. Unfortunately Vince's growth is given a sidebar a lot in favor of a few more unnecessary characters that seem to be there for the sole purpose of becoming dead.

Of course Graham is overshadowed by the always brilliant Danny Dyer as Neil, a womanizing hard drinking chauvanist who's just too awesome to not love. He plays essentially the same character he played in "Severance" and gets treated even worse in this one. Dyer is most of the reason to watch this movie and he steals every scene he's in.


This is one of those dodgy films that has a cheap thrills premise and a surprisingly deeper meaning. Of course tons of people are going to file it as straight up misogyny as they seem to have with "Antichrist" (more on that later when that film stops haunting my nightmares). The movie even seems to make fun of this with a line between Graham and Vince where Graham is mourning the infection of their female bus driver, Vince goes "This is no time to stop objectifying women."

But at its core the message here is about friendship and that you don't have to be a beaten animal to be sensitive and fair to the opposite sex. Admittedly, this sub-plot is only for people who insist on over-analyzing movies like myself and if you don't notice this lesson it shouldn't hurt your enjoyment.

"Doghouse" truly is a big messy gore-fest that's rife with juvenile humor and rude jokes. If that's not your thing then why in fucking hell are you reading this you stupid cockbag? (Go back to Canada!)
It starts out a bit like a zombie movie but partway through the women go into "phase 2" which causes them to mutate and become faster, stronger, and smarter (and inexplicably get spikes on their shoulders.)

As far as plot goes... eh... As I said, all the non-Vince characters with the possible exception of Graham and a few others are there to simply die or become horribly injured. There is some effort to explain the epidemic in the form of some weapons testing involving bogus laundry detergent and a politician named Meg Nut. Of course we're only given the very basic knowledge of this and never really find out what Meg Nut has to do with any of it. Perhaps it's foreshadowing a sequel, but I really don't see how.

These gripes are all rather small however as if you're looking at plot and meaning then you're really looking at this movie too close and should start your own shitty blog where you curse and berate whatever random strangers stumble in looking for a webcomic about indie-rock enthusiasts.


It's a brutal, gory, and very fun movie that is worth wasting the hour and a half on for cheap entertainment value. You can get something more out of "Doghouse" than just gooey enjoyment but there's really no need to.

I give "Doghouse" a 5 out of 5. Buy it. (unless you're American, then you have to either get a region free DVD player or wait for someone to release it stateside.)

What's that? Torrents? Why those are illegal! That would be wrong.

And remember kids...

The Cottage (2008)


Directed by: Paul Andrew Williams

Starring: Andy Serkis, Reece Shearsmith, Jennifer Ellison, Steven O'Donnell

Plot: In a remote part of the countryside, a bungled kidnapping turns into a living nightmare for four central characters when they cross paths with a psychopathic farmer and all hell breaks loose. Taken from www.imdb.com


I watched the movie "From Dusk Till Dawn" when I was far too young to see it. I was in 3rd grade and my brother's friend brought it over to watch. The deal made to me was that I could stay up and watch it with them if I didn't tell Mom and Dad and I sat quietly and watched.

Of course, knowing absolutely nothing of this movie, I didn't know it was a movie about vampires. I thought I was watching a movie about 2 criminals on the road to Mexico. So when the vampires came into this movie my mind was blown. I gained a greater appreciation for the movie than those going in expecting vampires.

The bait-and-switch method used in "From Dusk Till Dawn" has now become popular in British horror comedies with an offbeat sense of dark humor known for the characteristics of offering up a story that doesn't start out as horror, mutilating its leading characters, and ending on ambiguous or downbeat terms.

This is, in my mind, the true British comedy-horror movie as "Shaun of the Dead" was using a style pioneered by American director Sam Raimi and later utilized by New Zealand director Peter Jackson.

"The Cottage" is a movie where you'll wonder if what you're watching is even a horror movie. At first it just seems like a dark crime comedy that will involve the main characters/kidnappers David (Andy Serkis) and his wimpy younger brother Peter (Reece Shearsmith) taking on a couple of Asiain hitmen in the woods. This setup leads you to believe you are about to watch utter shit.

Of course, that's where the twist comes in. About halfway through the movie Andy Serkis' character takes a trip into town to use a phone and is accosted by local townsfolk telling him to stay indoors and not go outside for any reason. This is where things take a turn for the weird as all the characters become accosted by a giant deformed man in a flannel shirt and that's when the movie becomes brilliant.


Reece Shearsmith is what passes for the main character of this piece. A wimpy whiny imbecilic man who is married to a giant horrible woman, has an abusive sibling, and spends most of the movie getting his ass beat by a girl. Peter is an endearing but horribly annoying character and while I understand the comedic reasons why they chose Peter to shoulder most of the story I would of much rather followed David, and speaking of David...

Most people only know Andy Serkis as Gollum from the "Lord of the Rings" movies and as the motion capture guy behind the giant monkey in "King Kong." Those people will also be surprised to find that Serkis is actually a rather large and reasonably intimidating man and a damn good actor to boot. David is the best character in this movie by far and doesn't get near enough screen time.

Jennifer Ellison plays Tracey, the kidnappee in Peter and David's extortion plan. Tracey is a horrible shrewd harpy woman who you can't wait to die. Of course that's the point, but even still she's hard to stomach.


The plot-twist in "The Cottage" and where it takes the film are the best part but the lead up is a bit weak. As I said, up until the twist I was watching just out of sheer dedication to see the end credits and the first half of the movie is pretty sparse and lackluster.

Of course I'm biased about the twist as, just like "From Dusk Till Dawn" those many years ago I didn't know a damn thing about the movie and the twist came as a huge surprise to me. But due to the padded prologue, the finale feels incredibly rushed. I was watching the seconds tick away and was wondering how in the hell they planned to resolve the movie in the time they had left.

As such the ending seems incredibly rushed and as such I found that to be the worst part of the movie as things seem unfinished and hurried along. Though the ending just before the credits hit is great even if you do see it coming.


Of the "dumb Englishmen getting assaulted by thing in the woods" horror comedy (of which there are a lot more than you think) "The Cottage" isn't as good as "Severance" and the opening is tedious to say the least. But the second half of the film, though rushed, makes up for the shortcomings of the first.

I give "The Cottage" a 4 out of 5.

Extract (2009)


Directed by: Mike Judge
Starring: Jason Bateman, Mila Kunis, Kristen Wiig, Ben Affleck

Other Actors of Note: J.K. Simmons, Clifton Collins Jr., David Koechner, Gene Simmons, Beth Grant

Plot: Joel, the owner of an extract manufacturing plant, constantly finds himself in precarious situations that steadily worsen by the minute. First, his soon-to-be floor manager acquires a serious injury in a machine malfunctioning accident that subsequently endangers the wellbeing of his company. Second, his personal life doesn't fair much better when he takes the advice of his bartending friend Dean during a drug-induced brainstorming session on how to test his wife's faithfulness. Finally, compounding these catastrophes is new employee Cindy, who happens to be a scam artist intent on milking the company for all its worth. Now, Joel must attempt to piece his company and his marriage back together all while trying to figure out what he's really after in life. Taken from www.imdb.com.


Mike Judge is a masterfully clever writer who has made an impact on the comedy world with MTV's "Beavis and Butthead" and his animated dramady about life in Texas "King of the Hill", but no Mike Judge project has ever recieved the same amount of love as the 1999 sleeper hit "Office Space." This clever satire of an office environment starring Rob Livingston, Jennifer Anniston, and Gary Cole is a beloved comedy classic 10 years later.

After Judge's good but lackluster "Idiocracy" people were waiting for the next big thing from the man behind "Office Space." Soon trailers for "Extract" came out and posters appearing with the proclamation that Mike Judge was "going back to work." Everything that "Extract" had to offer seemed to be an "Office Space"-style send-up of the factory-warehouse industry. An industry just as, if not moreso, deserving of a satire as office work.

Unfortunately, "Extract" is not that movie. It's about Joel (Jason Bateman) a married man who has brought his vanilla extract business up from the ground. Joel is having problems with his increasingly more passionless wife Suzie(Kristen Wiig).

Joel finds out from his second in command Brian (J.K. Simmons) that General Mills is interested in buying the company. But problems start when employee "Step" (Clifton Collins Jr.) loses one of his testicles in an accident.

Con-woman and oppurtunist Cindy (Mila Kunis) befriends Step and convinces him to sue the company with the help of an ambulance-chasing lawyer Joe Adler. (Gene Simmons in a send-up of Texas attorney and very angry man Jim Adler: The Texas Hammer.)

As Joel deals with the threat of losing his company he has to deal with a mess of his own creation, as in a drunken moment of weakness he hired a gigolo (Dustin Milligan) to seduce his wife so that he could cheat on her guilt-free.


Have you seen "Arrested Development?" Well then you'll be glad to know that Michael Bluth has now moved to Texas and started an artificial flavoring company. Jason Bateman literally plays the same character that put him on the map (no, not "Teen Wolf", dumbass) and while this isn't necessarily a bad thing it's not that great either.

Bateman does have a talent for making the shitty things that Joel does seem excusable and you really do feel like he's a victim of circumstance rather than a jerk. At times this movie is painful to watch just because you know there's no good way for to make it out of this movie.

Mila Kunis is boring as the con-woman Cindy, still managing to nudge herself slightly ahead of Kristin Wiig's bad Jennifer Anniston impersonation. While neither actress is entirely important to the story they both could have done more with their characters.

Clifton Collins Jr. does a truly understated performance as Step, the self-important redneck that you've worked with in any warehouse/factory industry job you've ever done. Collins plays white trash so well that anyone not familiar with him can't even tell he's Latino. (Which considering he's played some of the most atypical Latino characters in film that's pretty impressive.) Beth Grant, J.K. Simmons, Javier Gutierrez, and T.J. Miller all give perfect performances as other industry-specific archetypes (The racist old lady with horrible fashion sense, the manager who can't remember anyone's name, the quiet Mexican who does his job but gets blamed for everything, and the dumb ass forklift driver respectively.)

Ben Affleck shows why he was never meant for leading man material as Dean, easily the best performance he's done in years as the drug-dealing man-pimp/bartender and Joel's best friend. Affleck has several great memorable lines and is out of the way enough to make his screen time enjoyable.

Of course, the real scene stealer in the movie is David Koechner (AKA that guy who's in, like, every movie) as Joel's neighbor Nathan. Nathan is "that guy" who won't shut the hell up, bothers you constantly, and never seems to take the hint that you don't like him. Koechner plays this role so pitch-perfectly that all his scenes are brilliantly hilarious.

Dustin Milligan plays a stereotypical stupid man-whore. That's really all that needs to be said about that.

Now as I said above, this is NOT "Office Space" in a factory. While there is some great satire of the industry, the job is a very small and unimportant part of the movie. The movie is more a satire of life in general with several wonderful archetypes played perfectly.

In many ways "Extract" is an extended episode of "King of the Hill" where the entire world is satire and the story is playing as a series of unfortunate events happening to the main character. But more than anything, "Extract" feels like Mike Judge doing The Coen Brothers.

The situation shows Joel as the great things in his life have started to pique and he's heading in a downward acr into a series of increasingly more horrible situations. By midway through the movie you're wondering if Joel is even going to survive the movie at all. But then just as you second-guess things the narrative takes a turn and everything starts to go good again.

If you fell for it, don't fell bad, even though Judge is famous for this bait-and-switch method in almost every episode of "King of the Hill" it took me by surprise as well. Perhaps it was the Coen-lite feel of the movie that threw me off, but I honestly expected the movie to end with him being hit by a bus. This just shows that Judge's take on mankind is decidedly more optimistic than Joel and Ethan Coen's.

The movie has some great bits and is ultimately satisfying but those of you coming to see something of "Office Space" caliber will be disappointed.


"Extract" is a good movie, certainly better than Judge's previous directoral effort "Idiocracy", but still a far cry from the comedic magic he captured with "Office Space." Still, Mike Judge is on the way back up and I look forward to seeing more.

I give "Extract" a 4 out of 5. It's good, not great, give it a rent.

Zombieland (2009)


Directed by: Ruben Fleisher

Starring: Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Emma Stone, Abigail Breslin

Other Actors of Note: Amber Heard, Bill Murray

Plot: In the horror comedy Zombieland focuses on two men who have found a way to survive a world overrun by zombies. Columbus is a big wuss -- but when you're afraid of being eaten by zombies, fear can keep you alive. Tallahassee is an AK-toting, zombie-slaying' bad ass whose single determination is to get the last Twinkie on earth. As they join forces with Wichita and Little Rock, who have also found unique ways to survive the zombie mayhem, they will have to determine which is worse: relying on each other or succumbing to the zombies. Taken from www.imdb.com.


Any time a movie that features zombies (or anything vaguely resembling zombies for that matter) it's always met with a review of "like 'Shaun of the Dead'." This invariably leads to disappointment as nothing is ever like "Shaun of the Dead."

Now, even more cringe-worthy for horror fans than the above is when it's called the American equivalent to "Shaun of the Dead" as American humor and British humor are nothing even vaguely similar to each other so such a thing is impossible.

However, "Zombieland" is the American equivalent to "Shaun of the Dead." Grand in scope yet focusing on a very small group of survivors, a romantic comedy that deals with friendship and trust, and a plot involving a safe haven that is tied more to nostalgia than any sort of logical belief that it will be even moderately safe.

Of course, many people will be dissatisfied with this movie on that comparison as they don't realize what that comparison means. "Zombieland" is a toned down zombie apocalypse that implies a lot more than it shows and shows just enough to be passable to the average horror fan but palatable to the average moviegoer as well. As such, there isn't really a lot of "horror" in "Zombieland."

It's a movie that's been sweetened up and toned down so that it will be likeable by a mass audience. Now STOP! Quit your fucking crying, you wanted this and we're going to talk about why what I just said isn't necessarily a bad thing. Hell, "Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things" was rated PG with nary a drop of blood present and it still managed to be one of the creepiest things I've ever seen.

So anyway our hero is Columbus (all the characters are named after their destinations rather than their actual names according to Harrelson's Tallahasse so that they wont get too attached) a 20-something dork who has managed to survive due to the rules he has set out.

Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) is a loner which was part of how he's survived so well this long, but he's beginning to miss people and is on his way to Columbus, Ohio to try and find his family. It is on his road to home that he meets up with Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson). A shit-kicking badass with a love of twinkies, killing zombies in elaborate manners, and painting Dale Earnhardt's number on the door of every vehicle he drives.

The two meet up with Wichita (Emma Stone) and Little Rock ("Little Miss Sunshine's" Abigail Breslin) who promptly rob them blind and leave them for dead. Naturally they meet again and become fast friends and Wichita and Columbus fall in love.


Jesse Eisenberg plays our hero Columbus who's quiet, shy, and not particularly confident. I know Eisenerg invented the whole "shy cute dorky guy" thing but there are times that he seems to be channeling Michael Cera, although briefly. Eisenberg is a likeable "everyman" type of hero that is an exaggerated play on the theme of losers and nobodies becoming heroes in a post-zombie world. He's a capable protagonist and helps move some of the sweeter side-plots along.

Woody Harrelson is the show stealer as anyone can imagine. Tallahassee is like a kid in a grown man's body with a love of destruction and loud noises. He has a very childish sense of humor and plays nicely off of Eisenberg's reserved seriousness. However, there's a moment toward the midway point where we learn something about Tallahassee that adds a degree of depth to his character which Harrelson pulls off flawlessly.

Wishing no offense to Emma Stone, any actress could have played her part, or at least played it as well. Wichita is the least fleshed out of our four leads and at teams is actually rather unlikeable as a selfish person with trust issues who takes advantage of everyone except her kid sister. I feel that the writers could have crafted a better romantic interest for Columbus, as it stands "romantic interest" is the only actual purpose that Wichita seems to serve.

Abigail Breslin's Little Rock is no more necessary to the plot than Wichita but having a much more talented actress behind the wheel serves to make her endlessly more endearing. Little Rock is essentially the 12-year-old version of Wichita but Breslin manages to make this character traits funny where Emma Stone only makes them seem ugly and mean-spirited. One particular scene involving Little Rock explaining "Hannah Montana" to Tallahassee is particularly hilarious.


As I stated above, I feel one of the biggest flaws with this movie is that the two female leads feel tacked on and unnecessary. I understand they needed a romantic subplot but I felt the movie would have worked better as a road movie with Eisenberg and Harrison, bringing in Stone and Breslin midway through the second act rather than at the beginning of the first.

However once you get used to Little Rock and Wichita's malicious personalities they fit in fairly well and you can enjoy the rest of the movie which really doesn't go much of anywhere. There's a great scene with Bill Murray but it's at the very end of the second act and there's very little that happens before it.

This brings me to my next problem, the zombies at most times feel like little more than mild annoyances and after the opening of the movie there's only one other scene (the action-packed finale) where any of the characters seem to be in any real amount of danger. It builds up a sense of security that is not included in zombie movies because it makes things duller.

Of course this movie, much like "Shaun of the Dead", focuses on the romantic comedy angle first and foremost with the zombies as a backdrop. So don't be disappointed when the gore for the most part is just lots of blood and everything seems more funny than scary. This film is more of a dark comedy than horror.

However, while these things are not optimal, unless you're just too stuck up your own ass to enjoy yourself none of these problems are insurmountable. It's a fun, sweet, thoughtful, and funny movie that may not be as hardcore or as laugh out loud as you would like. But it is good.

Originally "Zombieland" was created to be a TV show and that shows with the sparce finality of the movie which plays more like a pilot than anything. Fortunately this thing grossed a shit-ton of money so it's all but confirmed for a sequel. And with a little fine tuning I feel that the flaws with this movie can be overcome in a second outing.


You may be disappointed in the reality of what "Shaun of the Dead" would look like as an American movie, in which case you should go watch "Fido" (which is also great) and let the rest of us enjoy a movie that you'll sadly never get.

I give "Zombieland" a 4 out of 5. Not a perfect movie or a must-own, but a damn good movie that deserves the love it's gotten.

9 (2009)

Directed by: Shane Acker

Starring: Elijah Wood, Jennifer Connelly, John C. Reilly, Christopher Plummer, Martin Landau, Crispin Glover, and Fred Tatasciore

Plot: When 9 first comes to life, he finds himself in a post-apocalyptic world where all humans are gone, and it is only by chance that he discovers a small community of others like him taking refuge from fearsome machines that roam the earth intent on their extinction. Despite being the neophyte of the group, 9 convinces the others that hiding will do them no good. They must take the offensive if they are to survive, and they must discover why the machines want to destroy them in the first place. As they'll soon come to learn, the very future of civilization may depend on them. Taken from www.imdb.com.


What do you get when you take a screenplay based on a short film that was nominated for an Oscar, good CG, a good budget, and an all-star cast? A beautiful movie about nothing.

That's the best way to describe "9" an expanding on a short film that seemed to take "expand" to mean "make it bigger." It boasts an amtosphere that is equal parts beautiful and creepy, some enemies that are both grotesque and terrifying. The problem is the story behind all this art is rather sparse and vague.

We first meet 9 as he's being made, a little robot that bears more than a passing resemblance to "Little Big Planet's" Sackboy. Upon waking he grabs a mysterious device and goes out into the world and meets 2, another sack-bot like himself who seems to have a keen ability for building things from foraged scraps.

2 and 9 are attacked by a cat skeleton/robot who takes 2 and the mysterious device away. It is shortly thereafter that 9 meets the rest of his brothers and sisters. Against the orders of the authoratative 1 he goes to rescue 2 and unwittingly messes everything up waking a giant machine that wiped out all human life.


This film supports a star studded cast including Elijah Wood, Martin Landau, John C. Reilly, and Jennifer Connelly. Yet the only performance worth mentioning is the crazed number 6, played by Crispin Glover who comes off as both insane and deeply intelligent. Even 6 has a small role and unfortunately doesn't tip the scales past the mediocrity level.


While the art of this film is beautiful I don't feel it's up to par with what's come to be expected in this day and age. In a decade where Pixar is the top dog of the animation world, "9" doesn't even manage to be up to snuff with Dreamworks. I saw computer animation this good in "StarCraft" back in 1998 and it was barely top of the line then. For a short film it was understandable, but with a big budget couldn't they have polished it a bit more?

Speaking of things that needed more polish, I know that a short film can only have so much story, but when you bring it into a feature-length movie it needs to be longer and more involved.

The story is very vague and confusing. Most of the 9 dolls don't do anything though we're lead to believe that each one is meant to serve a specific purpose. It's unclear why the doctor decided to make 9 as the machine was already dead by God knows what means, nor is it unclear how the doctor survived the extinction of his entire species.

The characters are given no depth beyond a single character trait and the ending makes it feel like some sort of disheartening and downtrodden take on "Wall-E." We're given a brief peek at a world that looks as vibrant and interesting as it does desolate and sad, but that brief look is all we get and you'll likely walk out of the theater disappointed, wishing that the director had given you more.


I give "9" a 2 out of 5. It has a lot of potential that it doesn't even come close to realizing. Skip this one and just watch the short film instead.

The Final Destination (2009)


Directed by: David R. Ellis

Starring: Bobby Campo, Shantel VanSanten,

Other Actors of Note: Nick Zano

Plot: After a teen's premonition of a deadly race-car crash helps saves the lives of his peers, Death sets out to collect those who evaded their end. Taken from www.imdb.com.


Ah, "Final Destination", there's a franchise we can look back and go "What in the fucking hell were we fucking thinking?" We'll always remember it for its uninteresting introduction onto the scene, its gory but 2-dimensional sequel, and its utterly fucking retarded triquel (that's not a word, but I've decided that it is, so fuck off.)

Well apparently the producers listened to the claims that the film series was full of 2-dimensional characters and plots and interpreted the criticism literally. So we get a 2-dimensional film with 3-Dimensional special effects. Woo.

Okay, so when the smallest NASCAR race in the universe is plagued with a physics-defying catostrofuck of epic proportions a whole bunch of people die. But they don't die because one of those people had a premoninition of them dying and saved their lives. So now they all begin to systematically in horrible and elaborate ways in the order that they died. So the guy who has the premonitions figures out whats going on and tries to outsmart death. He doesn't and they all die. The end.


The acting's shit.


I don't know who they think they're kidding anymore. We all know the plot, we all know the twists (everyone's going to die, no exceptions. If they don't die in this one then they'll be dead by the time the next one ends.) There is literally no way that anyone who's even read a synopsis doesn't know how this shit is gonna go down. But the writers keep going on as if they think it's a twist to make the same movie a fourth time.

As usual maybe one or two of the deaths actually could happen, and those will happen in a very unrealistic way. Mostly people will die because every building is old, out of date, and crumbling. Every person in charge of making things safe has done a horrible job of doing that. And EVERYTHING will break, fall, explode, or crumble at a moments notice.

One particular scene involves a tarp blowing off a window, the light from the window hits a pair of glasses on a table, the light focuses through the glasses and ignites a nearby pile of sawdust as the tarp blows across the room catching the switch of its industrial fan with on of the tie-on holes. The tarp hits a cart loaded up with full bottles of turpentine which have no lids on them and spill, causing a trail of flammable chemicals that conveniently leads to a stack of barrels filled with explosive liquids which the fan has now blown the burning sawdust toward. Behind the barrels happens to be a movie screen where two of the characters are watching a movie on the other side.

If you think that is a plausible scenario then kindly take a pair of scissors and shove them in your eye-hole, then twist. It's this kind of bullshit that makes the movie almost infuriatingly stupid and I can't for the life of me figure out how the whole car wash thing was supposed to be fatal.

By changing the name from "Final Destination 4: Death Trip 3-D" to "The Final Destination" they seem to be hinting at a finality to the series. But fuck no, we'll have none of that. In fact later in the movie the main character has ANOTHER premonition which ends up saving a few hundred MORE people. So we'll probably spend the next movie dealing with that fucking shit in addition to whatever bullshit the writer comes up with then.

Now let's talk about the movie's fancy new hook. If "My Bloody Valentine" brought 3-D movies back from the dead then "The Final Destination" planted a wooden stake in its heart and buried it on sacred ground so it might never revive itself again. Things here are beyond gimmicky: things shooting out at the camera, big cg explosions, a man cut into chunks when he hits a fence that I can only describe as "chain link razorblades."

This is not to mention the mini-premonitions the main character has which are done with computer animation that rivals the best 1989 had to offer making some elaborate explanation of how the next character will died.

But there is a twist! When the movie ends as the last 3 characters die the movie cheats us by going to wire-frame and making us watch their horrible grisly (and undoubtedly awesome) deaths through skeletons. The twist is that the movie fucks you over more than usual, thanks for the extra $5 enjoy your fucking 3-D glasses!

It never fails to amaze me how so many people hate the "Saw" movies for their twist endings, money-shot gore, and overly elaborate torture machines yet they shit all over themselves and fucking love this bullshit. At least I don't know how the next fucking "Saw" movie is going to end!


I give "The Final Destination" an EAT SHIT AND DIE out of 5. If you knowingly pay money to watch this movie then you are going to special hell reserved for pedophiles and people that canceled "Firefly."

Simon Says (2006)


Directed by: William Dear

Starring: Crispin Glover, Margo Harshman, Greg Cipes, Artie Baxter, Kelly Vitz, Carrie Finklea

Plot: Five college friends choose to spend their vacation debauching at the riverside. They find the perfect place to camp out, but end up crossing paths with twin brothers, Simon and Stanley. The twins then begins to knock off the campers in some extremely creative (and extremely gruesome) ways. Enjoy the splatter. Taken from www.imdb.com.


I've been doing theater bait for too long, I need to take a break an cover some direct-to-DVD bullshit for a while. So lets kick this shit off with a bang.

"Simon Says" was something I caught sight of on the shelf at Best Buy. Now this isn't the kind of movie I would've given a second glance if not for one thing: Crispin Glover.

For those who are not familiar with Crispin Glover as anything more than George McFly or that weird guy from "Charlie's Angels" I implore you to go out and watch "Willard" before I'm forced to kill you with my brain. (Stay the fuck away from "The Wizard of Gore" though, anything that advertises the use of the Suicide Girls as a selling point is destined to be utter shit.)

So anyway I went into this film expecting a bad bad movie but happily received a bad-good movie!

So anyway five tweens (composed of Stoner, Slut, Sexually Repressed Girl (With +5 Asian-ness), Douchey guy, and Selfish Girlfriend) go out to the middle of nowhere to drink, fuck, and do whatever. How they chose this location is beyond me as it seems to literally be nowhere. They encounter a creepy woman on a horse who points at them and disappears and two strange rednecks who may or may not be ghosts. Confused yet? Fuck no you aren't! Not yet...

So anyway the ghost/rednecks point the 5 children to a gas station in a town that seems to literally have no other occupants where they meet Simon, a slow-talking simpleton with a baseball cap and a shirt that says his name. After they kids openly call Simon retarded he storms off and his pleasant-natured brother Stanley comes out to greet the crew.

Stanley is about 15 times creepier than his dimwitted twin but he at least sells them some booze and gives them the location to a campsite in the middle of nowhere. Then of course 1 by one they're picked off by the two brothers using a combination of stealth and a number of pickaxes that cannot possibly exist in one place.


Everybody in this movie who isn't Crispin Glover gargles balls and loves it in the acting department. Fortunately they're really all meat for the grinder anyway, there's really no way you can feel sympathetic for a single victim in this movie as they're all dumb twats who need to be removed from the gene pool somehow. Hell, Simon and Stanley are practically the heroes of the film.

And speaking of the twin brothers, oh my fucking God. It's been a long time since a villain performance has done justice to the overly campy 80s-style slasher movie but Crispin Glover nails it solid every time. Between Simon's slow drawl and Stanley's overblown giggling plantation-owner accent you can practically see Glover's teeth marks on every piece of scenery in the movie. The man appears to be having a damn good time at what he's doing and actually does manage to play both Simon and Stanley with a goodish amount of menace.


This movie would be utter shit if it wasn't so over-the-top gory. You see, Stanley has a love of building incredibly complex murder machines with the inexplicable use of pickaxes. There's the giant saw blade made of pickaxes, the giant spinning drum made of pickaxes, the complex machine that litters the forest with dozens of spinning pickaxes, and of course the pickaxe flinging machine that works like a harpoon gun. If you're scratching your head and wondering why, then you are not alone my friend. There is easily twice the pickaxe carnage of the "My Bloody Valentine" remake with no real purpose or explanation given. Of course that adds to the surreal bizarre quality of this movie that's really where all the charm lies. There are some brutally awesome kills and some fucking morbidly bizarre things done with corpses (I will ruin neither as they are just that messed up.)

As I said, the five tweens really serve no purpose than to die which becomes obvious almost immediately by their bland uninteresting plot-lines. Fortunately some interesting things are done with this cast of misfits. The chick destined to be the "last girl" is the first one to die and the stoner proves to be the most useful member of the group. Though towards the end there's a romantic sub-plot brought up that has never even been vaguely alluded to prior. It's this sort of cavalier "who gives a fuck, more pickaxes!" approach that the director took that really makes me respect this movie for what it is: pure schlock.

They even pull a "Friday the 13th Part VI" and bring in a random group of paintballers just so Simon has more people to kill with his bizarre machines.


If you've never found yourself able to enjoy a movie that's not trying to do anything more than thrill and entertain, this movie isn't for you. In fact if slasher movies aren't your thing this probably won't change your mind. But if you enjoy schlocky off-the-wall horror comedies (or Crispin Glover) I personally recommend this. For what it is it's fucking brilliant.

I give "Simon Says" a 4 out of 5. See it, if nothing else than for Crispin Glover: Lord of the Dance