Inglourious Basterds (2009)


Directed by: Quentin Tarantino

Starring: Brad Pitt, Brad Pitt's Mustache, Christopher Waltz, Melanie Laurent, Eli Roth

Other Actors of Note: Michael Fassbender, B.J. Novak, Mike Myers, Til Schweiger, Julie Dreyfus, Samuel L. Jackson

Plot: In Nazi-occupied France during World War II, a group of Jewish-American soldiers known as "The Basterds" are chosen specifically to spread fear throughout the Third Reich by scalping and brutally killing Nazis. The Basterds soon cross paths with a French-Jewish teenage girl who runs a movie theater in Paris which is targeted by the soldiers. Taken from www.imdb.com.


Before we start on this little jaunt into Quentin Tarantino's new blockbuster, let me clear a little something up first. Despite the fact that this film shares a name with Enzo G. Castellari's "Inglorious Bastards", it is NOT a remake. Oh sure the dark tone and the concept of a group of soldiers on a mission in Nazi occupied territory remains the same, these movies are like day and night.

Tarantino's "Inglourious Basterds" is a spaghetti western set in 1940s Nazi-occupied France. The film is set in an alternate universe where the Allies have still not invaded Normandy by 1944. Our protagonists are two people: a French-Jewish girl named Shosanna Dreyfus (Melanie Laurent) whose family was killed by Nazis when she was a teenager, and a German Colonel named Hans Landa (Christopher Waltz), nicknamed "The Jew Hunter" due to his keen ability to find hidden Jews that managed to escape the Germans.

Shosanna, having escaped the murder of her family at the hands of Col. Landa, has gained ownership of a movie theater in Paris and does her best to live peacefully till all this war bullshit blows over. As fate would have it, she becomes the affection of a German war hero (Daniel Bruhl) who has had a propaganda film made about his moment of heroism (He's basically a German Audie Murphy).

Our war hero pulls some strings and gets the movie to premier at none other than Shosanna's theater in hopes of charming her. Shosanna sees this as the perfect opportunity to take revenge for her family by burning down the theater with Goebbel, Hitler, and Landa inside of it.

Meanwhile, a squad of 8 Jewish-Americans led by half-native American Lieutenant Aldo Raine (Brad Pitt), dubbed "The Basterds" by the Germans, cut a bloody swatch across France killing and scalping Nazis left and right. The Basterds soon find out about the film premier and formulate their own plan to infiltrate and assassinate most of the Nazi party.


Brad Pitt is not the star of this movie, but he steals every scene he has. Aldo Raine is a tall southern man who is so stereotypically American that he bleeds red white and blue and shits bald eagles. He also has a mustache that could totally beat up Hitler's mustache. Pitt chews the scenery like a madman but still keeps his performance reigned in enough to make it absolutely brilliant. The way he has a perturbed look on his face in most scenes as if he's agitated by the prospect that he's doing anything other than killing Nazis at that moment gives him a kind of hilarious charm. One scene where he tries to infiltrate the premier as an Italian man never fails to draw laughter. Pitt doesn't have the best performance but he has one of the most entertaining ones by far.

Melanie Laurent is our heroine for the picture and the way Tarantino writes her is very genius in a subtle way. When Shosanna's family is killed, she doesn't seek revenge and go all "Sympathy for Lady Vengeance" hunting down the men responsible. She goes on about her life and just tries to get on with things. Only when the opportunity is placed in her hands does Shosanna's mind turn to thoughts of vengeance. Laurent plays her character as one of the most badass women in film history but she plays it in a feminine way which is what puts her (in my mind) above most other film heroines. One of the most badass scenes Shosanna has involves her applying make-up before the premier, lets see Sarah Conner pull that off.

If you see this movie for no other reason, see it for Christopher Waltz. As Col. Hans Landa, Waltz brings something magical to the screen. Every scene Waltz appears in is dripping with tension. He doesn't play a character that is obviously menacing; Landa is very polite and courteous like some kind of Nazi Columbo, but he's crafty and smart and every moment the man's on screen you just feel a lump in your throat and an empty feeling in the pit of your stomach. If Waltz doesn't win an Oscar for this, then the system is broken.

Til Schweiger, Daniel Bruhl, Michael Fassbender, and Diane Kruger all give great performances as well. They're just overshadowed by the three leads.


One complaint that I hear fairly commonly is the fact that in a movie called "Inglourious Basterds", the characters in the title don't do much. And indeed the Basterds only really appear in about a third of the movie. But this didn't bother me, because I went in expecting a spaghetti western, not a war film.

You see, Tarantino's film isn't like "Inglorious Bastards", "The Dirty Dozen", "Kelly's Heroes", "Where Eagles Dare", and "The Great Escape" in either tone nor narration. It's more in the vein of "Once Upon a Time in the West."

Think back to all those Sergio Leone movies and ask yourself how much of them were actually about Clint Eastwood's character. They were often about the supporting cast and especially the villain, with Eastwood's "Man-with-no-name" serving only as the tool that fixes the problem.

Here, it's the same with the Basterds, they show up to save the day but in the end all they are is a means to an end. They're more weapons than they are men and their real purpose is to swoop in and save the day at the last minute.

The second problem I want to address is the historical inaccuracy. Hopefully by the time you realize that you're watching a World War 2 film that takes place in 1944 you'll know that things aren't going to go down like history said they did. But some of you fuckers still did. Tarantino's Hitler wears a cape for chrissakes! This movie is practically a cinematic reproduction of "Wolfenstein."

The movie oozes with that Tarantino style that seems to flow so easily through all of his films and those concerned that the 1940s setting would hurt that style will be glad to learn that it's business as usual.

My one problem, however, is that Tarantino shoehorns his love of movies in her in a way that doesn't seem to fit. The climax takes place at a film premier, the German rebellion leader is a famous German actress, the English operative they bring in to infiltrate the film premier is a British film critic. The whole thing smacks of desperation of trying to make the influence films when it's really about war.


Having been a fan of all Tarantino's films (even the much maligned "Death Proof") I can safely say that this may be my favorite Quentin Tarantino movie of all time. (It's still a toss up with "Reservoir Dogs" and "Jackie Brown")

It's tense, exciting, entertaining, and cinematically perfect. I give "Inglourious Basterds" a 5 out of 5.

District 9 (2009)


Directed by: Neil Blomkamp

Starring: Sharlto Copley, David James

Plot: An extraterrestrial race forced to live in slum-like conditions on Earth suddenly finds a kindred spirit in a government agent that is exposed to their biotechnology. Taken from www.imdb.com.


Who could have imagined that the "Halo" movie falling through would be the greatest thing to happen to the world of film in ages? (Me.) Where Peter Jackson's adaptation of the hit video game series died, something big and amazing rose from its ashes.

That movie is "District 9" (alternate title: "Apartheid 2: Apartharder") a movie that could easily stand to make itself one of those big science fiction movies that people remember for generations to come just out of sheer determination.

We're given the main character of Wikus Va De Merwe a representative for an evil future corporation named MNU. It seems that 20 years ago a giant alien spaceship parked in the skies over Johannesburg, South Africa and has been sitting there ever since.

What started out as humanitarian aid to save the sickly aliens that were inexplicably trapped on earth turned into prison camps and countrywide racism from even the people who are victims of racism on their own. The aliens are all kept in a militarized slum known as "District 9."

Wikus leads a squad of MNU representatives into District 9 to deliver eviction notices to the Prawn (the slang term used for the alien race that actually describes a giant South African grasshopper, not a shrimp) so that they can be moved out of Johannasberg into an even shittier slum well outside of city limits.

Well unfortunately in searching through the shacks, Wikus comes onto a strange cylinder that sprays him with some weird black liquid. Soon he begins becoming a prawn himself and the government is using him for testing of the prawn's weapons (which can only be used by someone with prawn DNA.)

Wikus escapes his captors and flees to District 9 where he teams up with one of the more intelligent Prawn, named Christopher Johnson. Together they go to retrieve the strange cylinder which is actually fuel so that Christopher can get back to the mother ship and leave earth as well as change Wikus back to a human.


The prawn are all CG and their voices are represented with a series of clicks so there's nothing acting-wise to talk about there. And while the film's villain David James is suitably prickish he's nothing new.

What is impressive is the film's star Sharlto Copley. Wikus is not a hero, he's not even an anti-her0, he's a bookish little racist prick with a short temper and a detached sense of wonder of the alien visitors.

Early in the movie you see him find a shack full of Prawn eggs and he begins unplugging them from their incubators and even hands one of the soldiers a piece of one telling him to keep it as a souvenir. It then shows the shack going up in flames and Wikus laughing as he talks about how the eggs popping sounds like popcorn. It's the childlike innocence with which he laughs off the burning of what are essentially aborted fetuses and the same way he approaches arresting and dealing with any trouble-making Prawn in District 9 that makes you realize that this man is a horrible bastard. I mean come on, even Hitler had the decency to at least hate the people he was oppressing. In fact you even get the impression at several points that Wikus likes the prawn.

This makes Wikus' growth as a character that much more impressive, especially since he has a bad habit of taking 1 step forward and 12 steps back through fear, hatred, or just sheer dickishness. Ultimately you're left with a character you know and respect, perhaps all the more because of what he was when the movie began.


The CG in "District 9" is fucking gorgeous. Sure, it doesn't look perfect but you tell me how to make a six-foot tall alien that looks like a cross between a grasshopper, a Vortigaunt, and Cthulhu look perfect and I'll let you do it.

There were no practical effects used for the aliens or their giant ED-209 robot suit (Seriously, I kept expecting it to go "Drop your weapon. You have 15 seconds to comply") but you sure can't tell it. It seems that the characters onscreen are interacting with the aliens, not with whatever they used as a stand-in. Given the film's shoestring budget, it makes you look at movies like "Starship Troopers 3" and go "Well what's your fucking excuse?"

The storyline sounds a little like your typical ham handed "racism is bad" social allegory, but that's far from the truth. While there is some of that (one part featuring a citizen of Johannesburg saying "If they were from another country we might understand..." dripped of irony) but it's mostly kept to the beginning of the film. Most of the movie is really a story about a weapons company keeping an alien species prisoner just because they want their advanced technology.

Oh sure Wikus gets to walk a mile in the other guy's shoes but that's really just a vehicle to get the audience to understand the prawn and what they deal with. The beauty is it doesn't focus on social allegory and Orwellian government plots, like its spiritual soul mate "Children of Men", "District 9" isn't afraid to get its hands dirty. Explosions, robots, guns that look like something out of "Ratchet and Clank", and a ton of gore it brings in a lot of excitement to the story as well. But what it does even more impressively is balance these two parallels so neither ever seems overbearing to the viewer.

There are a few things that go unexplained like why the prawns were stuck on earth to begin with and why the humans and prawns can understand each other. People get hung up on things like this but honestly they're unnecessary plot points that just make the film more cumbersome and were best left to the imagination.

In a perfect world, this movie would have the same cultural appeal as the original "Star Wars" did when it was released. Of course, I know realistically that that will never happen despite the fact that the movie was disturbingly succesful given that it was low-budget, had no notable faces, a director that had never directed an actual full-length movie, and had a location of South Africa.

Regardless I hope to be seeing more of director Neil Blomkamp and I look forward to seeing Sharlto Copley as "Howling Mad Murdock" in the new "A-Team" movie.


I give "District 9" a 5 out of 5. It's one of the finest science fiction movies I've seen in my life. Buy this shit!

Funny People (2009)


Directed by: Judd Apatow

Starring: Seth Rogan, Leslie Mann, Adam Sandler, Eric Bana

Other Actors of Note: Jonah Hill, Jason Schwartzman, RZA, Aziz Ansanri

Plot: When seasoned comedian George Simmons learns of his terminal, inoperable health condition, his desire to form a genuine friendship cause him to take a relatively green performer under his wing as his opening act. Taken from www.imdb.com.


I have never felt more lukewarm about a popular director than I have about Judd Apatow. "The 40 Year Old Virgin" was okay but it was two different movies that happened to be playing at the same time and I only liked one of them. And "Knocked Up" was a by-the-book chick flick that just happened to feature dick jokes. In fact I wouldn't have even seen "Funny People" if not for one factor:

Adam Sandler. Well, that and the fact that "District 9" wasn't out yet. I've been in support of Adam Sandler as an actor for a while. He proved in "Punch-Drunk Love" and "Reign Over Me" that he's far more than just funny voices and slapstick.

In "Funny People" our protagonist-that-doesn't-do-much-of-anything is Ira Wright (Seth Rogan having lost all the weight he put on for "Observe and Report") an amateur stand-up comedian struggling with the career he wants to pursue. He's hired by famous Comedian George Simmons (Adam Sandler in a near autobiographical role) who has just found out he's dying of a rare form of cancer. Ira writes jokes for George and sees to other things he needs as he readies himself for his eventual death. But soon George finds out that he's been cured and tries to get back his ex-girlfriend (Leslie Mann) from her husband (Eric Bana) and have a second chance at life.


Seth Rogan, as I said above, doesn't do a whole lot of anything during this movie. The film is largely about George and Ira really serves as an avatar for the audience as we react to what's happening in much the same manner as he does. It's a paint-by-numbers performance from Rogan, pretty much going against all the good things I said about him in "Observe and Report" (fucker)

Adam Sandler for the third time in his career has proven he's a more than capable actor. As I said above he practically plays himself which is supplemented by footage from earlier in his career used on a couple of instances in the film. But there's a point in the middle of the film where it stops being about Adam Sandler and George Simmons becomes his own character. He goes from the hero of the movie to the villain almost instantly and we're left with Ira who has done basically nothing for 40 minutes to step in as the leading man.


"Funny People" is an interesting, if albeit schizophrenic, narrative. For the life of me I don't think I can recall a single movie that dealt with stand-up comedians. It says a lot of things about the industry and even has it's own pseudo Dane Cook comedian named Randy (played by "Human Giant's" Aziz Ansari) and in some ways it's Ira's world that's far more interesting. I personally would have watched a movie about just that.

The second tier of the story is George and his life as a major comedy star. It's obvious there's a lot of self-loathing going on there and as per usual money didn't buy happiness and blah blah cliche blahdy blah. I know I sound less than enthused but this is the second most interesting part of the movie.

Then there's the third tier of George trying to get back with his ex-fiance Laura who is married with children to an Australian businessman named Clarke. This comes across as a movie within the movie and somehow distracts from the movie whilst being an integral part of it. Though this part too is still entertaining. Just less, entertaining than before.

What I really liked about these 3 tiers is that none of them are cliche. In a normal movie we would've seen Rogen rise through the comedy ranks and be approaching George's level of success by the end but in reality he's only slightly above where he started.

In a normal movie George Simmons would've had a relapse, remarried Laura, and then died of cancer in a divine twist of irony or some such bullshit like that. Fortunately none of those things happen.

In a normal movie Clarke would've been an irredeemable asshole instead of the nice relatively decent, if distant, guy.

"Funny People" is at it's core is a movie about life, success, and love. That's the best way I can possibly describe it. It's funny, it's deep, and it's thought provoking. For what it is it's a very good movie and has served to change my mind about Judd Apatow.


I give "Funny People" a 4 out of 5. It's a pretty great movie that's really fucking hard to describe. I don't know if it's a buy, but it's definitely a watch.

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Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

Directed by: Michael Bay

Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Ramon Rodriguez, Peter Cullen, Hugo Weaving

Other Actors of Note: Tyrese Gibson, John Turturro, Kevin Dunn, Rainn Wilson

Plot: Decepticon forces return to Earth on a mission to take Sam Witwicky prisoner, after the young hero learns the truth about the ancient origins of the Transformers. Joining the mission to protect humankind is Optimus Prime, who forms an alliance with international armies for a second epic battle. Taken from www.imdb.com.

A perfect example of Megan Fox's great tits- er, acting.

Summer. The time when drama, plot development, and characterization are thrown to the wind to make room for more explosions. And what director captures the summer movie like Michael Bay?

Michael Bay the Rob Liefeld of movies does his second sequel. His previous part 2, "Bad Boys 2", managed to take a good movie and improve upon it despite making it as big and shiny as humanly possible. So, naturally, I assumed as much would be possible for even Michael Bay a second time. Alas, it was not to be.

Now, before I proceed, I would like to give you a little bit of a history on the intellectual property we now see before us. "Transformers" started out as a four-issue Marvel Comics series and a 20 minute commercial both of which were made with the express purpose of advertising a line of toys that turned from robots into vehicles.

While the comics did indeed come into their own storyline-wise, the show was never more than cheesy bad animation meant to entertain 7-year-olds, not even when the movie came out. A movie held together almost solely by nostalgia. So let me say that this movie and the original in no way "bastardized" the series or raped your childhood. Shut the fuck up.

And for those of you comic fans who have a very valid point. (After all, if you argue with Simon Furman he'll write your death into the story.) But I remind you that even Michael Bay can't fuck things up as bad as Pat Lee.

You've got the Tooooooooooouch

So anyway. "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" picks up a few months after the first movie. Sam is going to college, Mikaela is staying where she is due to having to help her father, and the Autobots (sans Bumblebee who's fulfilling his voyeuristic mission of letting Sam and Mikaela fuck in his back seat) are out rounding up the remaining Decepticons.

Well as the Autobots fight with a bunch of Decepticons we find out absolutely nothing about we wind up in the middle of a "Terminator" movie as a Decepticon that looks human tries to do... something?... to Sam. Megatron gets brought back to life for some arbitrary reason, Optimus dies, and Soundwave tentacle rapes a satellite.

So shit gets real and Sam, Mikaela, Sam's new "quirky" room-mate/sidekick Leo, Bumblebee, and Skids and Mudflap (two Autobots that kick the Civil Rights movement in it's righteous ass, but more on that later) go off to find a really old Transformer to help them.

This all culminates in Egypt in a big explodey battle where robots are literally in two places at the same time, Optimus gets to show his psychotic side, and John Torturro stares at a robots giant ballsack. Also this happens (okay, it actually doesn't, but it would be awesome if it did.)

Megan Fox just watched the "GI Joe" trailer.

Shia LaBeouf's performance in the first movie was certainly nothing special. Before we go much further let me say that I like Shia LaBeouf. I think he's a good actor that's suffering from a case of over-exposure and has had 3 pretty crappy roles (Mutt Williams in "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull", Sam Whitwicky in "Transformers", and Jerry Shaw in "Eagle Eye") that haven't really allowed him to show off his ability. Nonetheless, he doesn't shime much in this movie. Of course he doesn't really get a chance to, the only time we spend much time with Sam is at the beginning which just feels tacked on and pointless, otherwise he's running around dodging CG and explosions, and looking scared.

Megan Fox has been compared to Angelina Jolie. She's certainly better looking but I'd say when it comes to acting she's about on par with Jolie's "say-a-line-then-strike-a-pose" style of pretending to act. Maybe "Jennifer's Body" will change my mind but Megan Fox hasn't done anything for me thus far and this movie does nothing to change that.

Josh Duhammel, Tyrese Gibson, and John Turturro seemingly play parodies of the characters they played last time. (Now think of how campy Turturro was last time and tell me that concept doesn't scare you a little bit.)

None of the robots performances really matter, they all do a good job but add nothing specific to the movie, but lets pause momentarily on a particular 2.'

Skids and Mudflap are two Transformers that: speak jive, look like monkeys (one has a gold tooth as well), are illiterate, and generally act like two of the most stereotypical black characters in the universe. They make Jazz from part 1 look perfectly normal. This is a perfect example of what Michael Bay is like when Steven Spielberg isn't there to tell him "no." I feel sorry for the actors because their families have to eat too (especially the one who actually is black) but I suppose you can't blame everything on Michael Bay, they could've reigned it in a bit.


Just getting over that headache that the action scenes from the first movie gave you? Well I have good news. You can actually see what the fuck is going on this time! Though Michael Bay, no doubt twirling his Snidely Whiplash mustache, has compensated for this by making almost all of the robots look exactly alike so you have no fucking clue who's killing who.

It's also of note that Decepticons that died in the first movie and even earlier in the movie show up in the final battle scene. Also, all the robots that make up Devastator are fighting the Autobots at the same time as Devastator himself are fighting Uncle Tom and Jim Crowe. In fact there's seemingly no rhyme or reason to the Decepticons, perhaps they're self-regenerating robots that can never die like the T-1000 or Toonces the Driving Cat.

Though we do get some nice fan service. Soundwave is here and even though he never actually fights anybody we do get to see him tentacle rape space technology with fiber-optic cables and he does sound the same as in the cartoon. And he does shit out Ravage at one point or another.

We also get Jetfire, a Decepticon who defected to the Autobot side in the comics, and though that remains the same in this movie the big difference is this Jetfire is a cantankerous old man who seems to be constantly on fire or falling apart. Jetfire is the shit.

Though as many cool cameos as we get, most of them go to waste. All the cool Decepticons die in ways where they're obviously never coming back. (This is, except for Starscream and Megatron who will probably ally themselves with Unicron for part 3) Then of course all the new Autobots are rather unspectacular as well (Skids and Mudflap are the only ones we ever really get to see very much.) But hey, Arcee's finally here! And she gets one whole line before she dies! That'll teach you uppity womens to know your place!

Of course the most odd thing about this movie is despite the stupid-as-hell storyline, sub-par acting, weird editing, and over-flashiness of the whole thing I didn't walk out of the theater disappointed. "Transformers" has never been high art and even if this goes against every rule of cinema established since the dawn of time it's still entertaining.


It's not as good as the first one but it's still a big, explodey, mildly offensive good time.

I give "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" a 3 out of 5. It's fun, see it at some point.

And remember...

You've got the touch

Brüno (2009)


Directed by: Larry Charles

Starring: Sacha Baron Cohen, Gustaf Hammarsten

Plot: Flamboyant Austrian fashionista Brüno takes his show to America. Taken from www.imdb.com.


For those of you who appreciated "Borat" you probably wondered what Sacha Baron Cohen could possibly do to top a horribly offensive Muslim/forgeigner caricature that made just about everyone froth at the mouth in anger? Why, it's the same way you get an Oscar of course, go gay!

"Bruno" is the story of an Austrian fashion-show host who becomes blacklisted by all the fashion outlets in Europe. He goes to America to try and become famous again with only his most loyal assistant Lutz (Gustaf Hammarsten) to help him.


So since this is a mockumentry there's little point in going into acting. Suffice it to say that when Sacha Baron Cohen plays a character he truly immerses himself into the part. Just as in "Borat" before it, Cohen plays Bruno more as a separate personality than a character. You know it's an actor but you can almost believe that this is a real human being.

While staying in character is certainly one of the finer points, Cohen's ballsy approach to getting people pissed at him knows no bounds. How many actors would go so far as to visit a terrorist organizations and insult their leader? I'm looking at you Jamie Kennedy.

Of course this movie is basically gauging the reactions of Americans to Bruno's flagrant and utterly over-the-top sexuality and in some cases damn near gets himself beaten or killed for it. The amusing thing though is that as crazy as Bruno is, he's really the least over-the-top person in the movie.

It's clear to see that Cohen's star power has gone a long way for this movie as he gets cameos from no less than Bono, Elton John, Slash, Snoop Dog, Chris Martin, and Sting. And those are only the ones who were in on the joke. Though I'll file Harrison Ford in the "not sure" category as his scene may have been staged.

"Bruno" is absurdly funny for the things Cohen does to get a reaction but even more so for peoples' reaction to them. However, while the movie does manage to be amazing it still isn't quite as good or memorable as "Borat" was. While Borat was good at showing how insecure and hateful people really are, Bruno puts people in situations where an adverse reaction is really the only reasonable choice.


There's really not much more to say on this one, so I give "Bruno" a 4 out of 5. It's pretty great but not quite a classic like its predecessor.

Public Enemies (2009)


Directed by Michael Mann

Starring: Johnny Depp, Jason Clarke, Christian Bale

Other Actors of Note: Channing Tatum, Stephen Dorff, Billy Crudup

Plot: The Feds try to take down notorious American gangsters John Dillinger, Baby Face Nelson and Pretty Boy Floyd during a booming crime wave in the 1930s. Taken from www.imdb.com.


There's something to be said for romanticism. Without it, "Hoosiers" would be a boring piece of shit, "Rudy" would be more of a sniveling dingus than even Sean Astin could have played him, Johnny Cash would've gotten along with his father, and "Walking Tall" would have had to have been 97% less bullshit... well, that might be okay.

Romanticism is what separates "American Outlaws" from "The Assassination of Jesse James" while one embraces explosions, gunfights, and Timothy Dalton the other is a more realistic take on the story of Jesse James. Because he was totally sexy like Brad Pitt in real life, right?

Wrong

The point I'm trying to illustrate with Kevin Bacon: Gunslinger up there is that even when movies stay true to their subject matter they're still made with a healthy dose of bullshit. But imagine if you will, that "The Assassination of Jesse James" ended with Jesse, Billie the Kid, Doc Holliday, and Wild Bill Hickock go on a rampage and then all fucking die. You would probably wonder what the fuck was going on, right?

Ladies and gentlemen, you are now prepared to see Public Enemies.


So if you were to make a movie about the life of John Dillinger, you would have to be mentally insane to cast anyone OTHER than Johnny Depp to play him. Handsome, charismatic, charming, mustachioed, this is the role that Johnny Depp was born to play. Depp doesn't just play Dillinger, he for all intents and purposes is Dillinger. If anything saves this movie it's its lead role and how flawlessly it's played by the starring actor.

Marion Cotillard plays Dillinger's last true love, Billie Frechette, in many ways Billie is the most interesting character of the movie. I can't help but wonder if a movie about a half-native American social outcast who found not only love but acceptance from a man who just happened to be one of the most notorious criminals in the country. Billie is a main character but she gets thrown by the wayside for parts about Dillinger's criminal career.

*sigh* Christian Bale. I am getting sorely fucking tired of seeing Christian Bale angrily glare at things. Yes he's a good actor, but you wouldn't know it from his last crop of films. Bale glowers and frowns his way through the movie with as little acting as possible. The part where he and Dillinger "face off" (and by "face off" I mean he says intimidating things to Dillinger who is inside a jail cell grinning like a bastard) is easily one of the least climactic moments in the film. To be honest Bale barely has any purpose in the movie at all so I'm really not sure why they got him to play the part of Melvin Purvis when just about anyone would've done.

Speaking of excessive roles. Anyone not Dillinger, Purvis, and Billie everybody else is unimportant and it's very hard to piece together who's who. It took me till much later to figure out that Stephen Dorff was Homer Van Meter.

I'm Christian Bale, and I've come to intense this movie the fuck up.

"Public Enemies" is a rise and fall biography where we see the character's rise to power and their ultimate fall from reality. The problem is there is no rise, the movie starts during the high point in Dillinger's career and then careens horribly down into oblivion.

For those with no imagination, this would be like if "Boogie Nights" just featured Mark Wahlberg jerking off for a guy in a pick-up truck and then pulling his dick out in front of a mirror.

So we start out at the midpoint of Dillinger's career and follow his exploits as he goes around robbing banks, romancing women, and doing other things of that nature. But here's where the historical inaccuracy comes in.

When we're first introduced to Melvin Pervis it's as he shoots and kills Pretty Boy Floyd. The problem? Pretty Boy Floyd died AFTER John Dillinger, though his killing of Floyd is given as the reason why J. Edgar Hoover picks him to catch Dillinger. We're also treated to the deaths of Homer Van Meter and Baby Face Nelson... in the same scene, within minutes of each other... BEFORE Dillinger! They might as well have had Bonnie and Clyde ride up out of nowhere and get shot to death too.

Of course there are some truly great things this movie does. John Dillinger was a cocky fucker, but with good reason, he had incredibly good luck. His luck and cockiness are both showcased in several scenes where the man literally hides in plain sight, and at one point even walks into the area of the police station dedicated to catching him. It's a wonder the man's balls could even fit through a conventional doorway.

The other theme is about J. Edgar Manhattan and how the bad supreme court man hurt his feelings so he puts the clamps on the then non-federal FBI who are composed of a bunch of stupid violent ham-fisted psychopaths (just like they are now.) Purvis appears to be torn with his role of a glorified mob hitman when it comes to taking out criminals but he never appears to be torn enough to not just start killing people.

There are interesting dynamics and the movie is never boring despite its long run-time, it's just that it doesn't do anything interesting with what they've got and Johnny Depp is the only really entertaining thing in the whole movie.


"Public Enemies" is a well made and deeply flawed film. Johnny Depp and Marion Cotillard give great performances but Christian Bale can't act his way out of a paper bag and between the weird plot points and the glaring historical inaccuracy hold it back from being anything other than a movie you would watch on a Saturday afternoon on TV.

I give "Public Enemies" a 3 out 5. It's a mediocre film that's too good to be bad, and too dull to be good.