Drag Me To Hell (2009)


Directed by: Sam Raimi

Starring: Alison Lohman, Justin Long, Dileep Rao, Lorna Raver, Adriana Barraza

Other Actors of Note: David Paymer, Chelcie Ross, Ted Raimi

Plot: A loan officer ordered to evict an old woman from her home finds herself the recipient of a supernatural curse, which turns her life into a living hell. Desperate, she turns to a seer to try and save her soul, while evil forces work to push her to a breaking point. Taken from www.imdb.com.

Alison Lohman can totally mud wrestle a dead woman like a pro

DISCLAIMER: If you are a Sam Raimi fan and you have not gone to see this movie then I kindly ask you to fuck off and die. No seriously, kill yourself, if I hear you whine about no Evil Dead 4 but not support this film because it's PG-13 then go play in traffic. Your use to the world is complete.

I remember an episode of "Batman the Animated Series" where the Joker chastised his clown-faced assitant Harley Quinn saying that if you had to explain the joke then it's not worth telling. I think the same thing applies for Sam Raimi movies. I can explain any of his movies until I'm blue in the face but the simple fact is that if you didn't get them then you never will.

Raimi doesn't make artsy deep pictures, though he's had some very moving and artistic films. He doesn't make "scary" movies, but it's hard to deny that the man has caused some great scares. He doesn't make long drawn out movies with ambiguous plots and endings that you have to watch seven times to understand. Sam Raimi, in his own words, is not an artist but an entertainer. What he has made here is the epitomy of entertainment.

The story goes that Christine Brown (Alison Lohman) is our heroine, a sweet but somewhat self-obsessed 20-something with a good job, a boyfriend who is way too good for her, and a desire to distance herself from her fat country bumpkin roots. We find out that Christine is upo for a promotion but faces competetion from the brown-nosing new guy, this is further exacerbated by her overhearing a phone conversation between her boyfriend Clay (Justin Long) and his bitchy mother who keeps insisting that he needs to quit playing with farm girls and find a woman who can help his career and social status: this leaves every person in the audience silently mouthing the word "cunt" and wishing the horrible witch would drop dead of a brain anyuerism.

When Christine gets back to work she meets an old gypsy lady (Lorna Raver) who begs her to give her another extension on her mortgage. She feels for the woman but sees that denying her request will undoubtedly secure her the promotion. So she denies her request and ends up shaming the old gypsy lady in front of the entire bank. It's fair to say that Christine never watched Stephen King's "Thinner."

So the old gypsy woman, as old gypsy women are wont to do, places a curse on Christine. The curse dictates that a horrible demon called a Lamia will come in three days and pull her down to Hell. But first, the Lamia is going to fuck with her like crazy and there's nothing she can do about it.

Christine naturally begins to spiral downward into increasingly more desperate solutions and endures various tortures of the Lamia (which are every one a nice combintion of terrifying, disgusting, and hilarious) naturally all these moments serve to ruin her life and make her look stark raving mad. That's really all I can say without ruining anything.

I didn't know Amy Winehouse was in this movie!

Okay, so Alison Lohman is apparently popular. I know this because the annoying tween behind me gasped and went "Alison Lohman is in this!" So somebody apparently knows who she is, but that doesn't matter because I can honestly say that she's brilliant.

Sam Raimi's first choice for the role of Christine was Ellen Page hot off the success of "Juno" but I can honestly say that Ellen (much as I want to make dirty passionate love to her) dropping out was the best thing that could have happened. I don't think she could have brought the character to life quite like Lohman did.

You see, Christine isn't our typical horror heroine, she's not the virginal angelic girl who just happened to be in the giant murderous tard's zip code or accidently dropped her bible inside the haunted house. She's a selfish, mean-spirited, and often despicable character and you'll find yourself periodically rooting for the Lamia. However, as the leading lady, it's important that we don't hate Christine either. Fortunately Lohman manages to play a character that we both care for and feel sympathy toward while at the same time believing that she deserves everything she gets. This is far more complexity of character than the average horror movie even dreams of having which is one of the many things that stops this film from becoming mass-market crap.

Another big surprise is Justin Long as the "straight man boyfriend" role who spends the entire movie going "no honey, you're just imaginging things. The supernatural doesn't exist." If you've ever seen a horror movie ever, you know this character intimately. The good news is Long goes above and beyond the call of duty and adapts Clay into a deep and 3-dimensional character. As the movie progresses you really grow to like Clay more and more and ultimately feel bad for him for what he has to endure for being in love with Christine.

Lorna Ravor plays the "evil" gypsy woman Mrs. Ganush. Similarly to Christine you both feel for and hate her, though as opposed to Christine tipping more toward likeable, Mrs. Ganush tips the other way. It's Mrs. Gansh who serves as the avatar for much of the Lamia's mental torture of Christine. Often appearing as a hallucination and even as a corpse, pulling out her hair, attacking her, and spewing all manner of disgusting liquids all over her. Ravor is the epitomy of the balance between gross, scary, and funny that this movie embraces so beautifully and serves as an instantly memorable villainess.

Everytime I see this picture the only thing that pops into my mind is "ME WANT HONEYCOMB!"

Sam Raimi has been out of the horror game for a long time. His last movie of the genre ws 2000's "The Gift" starring Cate Blanchett but that was skirting the genre as was his previous horror effort "Army of Darkness" in 1992, making his last true horror film "Evil Dead 2" released in 1987.

There were many who said after having spent the better part of a decade making "Spider-Man" movies and the better part of 20 years making other types of movies he just didn't have another good horror effort left in him. This was further exacerbated by "Spider-Man 3" a movie that's flawed but much better than everybody says it is. It was another case of studio involvement destroying the meaning behind a Sam Raimi film: the other case being 1985's "Crimewave", a gonzo crime-noir comedy/action film that featured Bruce Campbell and was written by The Coen Brothers. If you're thinking that this movie should be better than sex then you are wrong, because of studio involvement the Coen/Raimi/Campbell trifecta only managed to make it "okay" in the same way that "Spider-Man 3" was okay. The point is that he managed to do phenominal even when he was given a big damn shit sandwich to munch on, but of course "the fans" (an ominious sounding group of outspoken douchebags who aren't fit to lick the sweat Louie Anderson's taint) claimed he'd "lost it" and abandoned him until he proved himself again.

I wrote that being seemingly pointless paragraph to make a point. In the pat when people gave up on him he came through with a little film called "Evil Dead 2" which you can only hate if you're a elitist ass who takes movies too seriously, or squeamish I suppose... pussy. So naturally when Raimi bombed (it should be noted that this "bomb" was the highest grossing movie ever) he had to come through again.

Now if you've seen "Spider-Man 2" you'll remember a little hospital scene that proved to the entire movie-watching world that despite the different direction his career had gone in, the old Sam Raimi still lived. This movie eliminated any doubt of this.

You might as well just think of it as "Evil Dead 3.5" it may not feature deadites or chainsaws or even Bruce Campbell but the spirit is there and there's a possession scene that seems exactly lilke something out of the "Evil Dead" series. The sense of comedy and horror is exactly the same and one even feels that this story takes place in the same world. Anybody who doubts now that Raimi could make "Evil Dead 4" has been put in their place.

As I said earlier this movie is the very definition of entertainment. Throughout the entire movie I found myself laughing or at very least smiling while at the same time having to physically hold myself back from jumping at various scares and the best part is that you didn't know which was coming, whether the movie would scare you or make you laugh, often these moments came near simulataneously. For once I went to a horror movie and felt that same magic I felt as a kid, feeling those same thrills that made me the lover of the genre that I am now.

Escapism aside I don't want it to be percieved that "Drag Me To Hell" is mindless entertainment. Oh sure it has a screwball sense of humor and certainly doesn't take itself very seriously but beneath that exists a movie with a very deep meaningful message.

The title of this film is deeper than people realize. Oh sure, the Lamia is trying to literally drag Christine into hell but it can be said that by abandoning her roots, her identity, her home and alcoholic mother, and by sacrificing her own morals just to get a job, Christine had already lost her soul befoer Mrs. Ganush had the chance to curse her.

As the plot thickens and the likes of Clay, guru Rham Jas (Dileep Rao), and medium Shaun San Dena (Adriana Barraza) try to help her they each sacrifice part of themself to save her soul. In many ways Christine is dragging everyone who helps her down to Hell with her (in a more metaphorical way of course.) Christine is a perfect example of how even a good person can fall to the trappings of greed and selfishness. Even her attempts to make amends come off as just a means of personal gain and you end up pitying those who care for her more than Christine herself.

"Oh my God, I just realized that I'm a corporate tool used by Apple!"

"Drag Me To Hell" is a well-written, well-acted, and well-directed film. It's a great movie on its own but the theater experience is something that shouldn't be missed out on. It really is something that should be seen as part of an audience at least once. Sam Raimi is back and you don't want to miss it.

I give "Drag Me To Hell" a 5 out of 5. It's still in theaters, go see it now!

Up (2009)Directed by: Pete Docter and Bob Peterson

Starring: Ed Asner, Christopher Plummer, Jordan Nagai, and Bob Peterson

Other Actors of Note: John Ratzenberger and Delroy Lindo

Plot: By tying thousands of balloon to his home, 78-year-old Carl Fredricksen sets out to fulfill his lifelong dream to see the wilds of South America. Right after lifting off, however, he learns he isn't alone on his journey, since Russell, a wilderness explorer 70 years his junior, has inadvertently become a stowaway on the trip. Taken from www.imdb.com.


So there's this little company, you've never heard of them, they're called Pixar. They're a little art-house-indie development company that's strictly underground and are mostly unknown to the general public. Indeed, the only premier Pixar's movies have ever had was in a Hoboken basement where 4 people attend and 3 of them were promptly killed to keep it non-conformist. This is why you pay me my nominal fee of $1000 and the blood of a virgin a day so that I can dig up these hard to find gems and bring them to your door. [/sarcasm]

So yeah, Pixar made another movie, this time our protagonist is Carl Fredicksen (Ed Asner) a crotchety old man who we first meet as a 10-year-0ld boy watching a movie serial about Charles Muntz (Christopher Plummer) an adventurer who with his zeppellin "The Spirit of Adventure" and his army of loyal dogs went deep into the jungles of South America and discovered the lost land of "Paradise Falls." While finding the lost world Carl discovered a rare species of giant bird, but his skeleton is dismissed as bullshit so he heads off into the jungle to find proof.

Carl goes walking home and meets fellow adventure-enthusiast Ellie who has the bitchinest club house on the block. She shows Carl her adventure book and tells him of her dream of moving her clubhouse to Paradise Falls and makes Carl promise that she'll help him get there.

We get a musical montage of Carl and Ellie falling in love, getting married, fixing up the clubhouse into a real house, dreaming of having children, the emotional scene where they find out that Ellie can't have children, the two growing old together, Carl realising that he didn't keep his promise and trying to make good in the last mintue just as Ellie gets hospitalized and dies. This scene goes to prove that even in my jaded dark-hearted cynacism, Disney still has the power to make me bawl like a little bitch in public.

So anyway, as a jaded old man Carl totally bashes some guy over the head for running over his mail box and gets declared a public menace and is about to be sent to a nursing home when in a last minute effort he flies his house away via an obscene amount of helium balloons.

Unfortunately Wilderness Adventurer Russle (Jordan Nagai) was looking for the snipe that Carl told him to find under the porch and gets caught up in the adventure. They make it to Paradise falls and meet up with a giant bird, dubbed "Kevin", and a dog with a collar that makes it able to talk named "Dug."

Of course, Dug (Bob Peterson) is not the only talking dog, it turns out he's one of Charles Muntz' super smart dogs on the search for the bird and they are lead back to Muntz's blimp where he decides that they've come to kidnap his bird and shit gets real.


Ed Asner is a wonderful voice actor who anyone who grew up in the 90s will either know as J. Jonah Jameson from "Spider-Man: The Animated Series", Hudson from "Gargoyles", or Seargent Mike Cosgrove from "Freakazoid." Despite which of these roles you remember him for your first thought upon hearing his voice will no doubt be "holy shit, he's still alive?"

Asner's voice makes him perfect for the spiritual PG-rated brother of "Gran Torino's" Walt Kowalksi (He even has his own Asian kid to mentor to!) naturally he feels regret for never having the adventure he promised his late wife he would and blah blah climactic scene blah blah character growth blah blah movie trope. But it works! I swear! Asner works flawlessly as a comedic character and as a dramatic character.

Bob Peterson, who I originally thought was Kevin James, is the source of a good number of the movie's laughs as Dug, the dumb but lovable dog. Between his overly polite broken English and his hatred of squirrels there's really no point in the film where Dug isn't funny.

Peterson also plays Alpha, the sub-villain of the film. Alpha is a Doberman Pincher but his voice collar is broken and he sounds like a chipmunk, this joke is further played out when Muntz fixes the collar and Alpha now has a ridiculously deep voice.

The shining star of this movie is Christopher Plummer as Charles Muntz. Muntz bears a strong resemblence to the late Paul Newman and fits the archetype of the 1940s he-man adventurer character.

Pixar is famous for having some dark and frankly disturbing villains in their series, up until recently the darkest they had gone was the psychotic "superhero" Syndrome from "The Incredibles" with Hopper from "A Bugs Life" hot on his tail. I can honestly say that Charles Muntz tops every single Pixar villain combined.

Muntz comes into the film friednly and cordial, every bit the hero that Carl once idolized but we see that his hunt (which has gone on for about 68 years) for the bird has left him a little, how can I put this nicely, crazy like a fucking loon. Upon suspecting Carl as another bird thief he begins to show Carl his collection of adventure gear taken from the corpses of past interlopers in a scene that might as well involve the works "My severed heads, let me show you them."

As if this is not menacing and mental enough he goes on to send his army of dogs chasing after Carl, Russel, and Kevin. He then tries to burn down Carl's house, drops Russel out of the bottom of his zeppelin whilst very high in the air, comes at Carl with a sword, and then in quite possibly the most disturbing turn in the movie starts opening fire on Russel with a hunting rifle, ultimately bashing down the door to the house with the butt of the gun. It's really the point when he begins trying to kill an 8-year-old that you realize that Muntz is a fucking maniac. He's the Joker of Disney villains.


As always the visuals are breathtaking to a point that I don't feel like mentioning them further as we all know the score by now.

This film is easily Pixar's most adult and I think that may hurt it. It's not that the movie is filled with questionable content as it's easily half as dark as "The Incredbles" it's just that the story has a lot to do with things that small children and even older children won't really get.

At at least 3 points in this movie I was literally in tears and I'm a jaded soulless cunt. It's emotional and beautiful in its metaphors for life, love, and dealing with the loss of loved ones. While these topics aren't something important for children to learn, they're hard to grasp for someone whose biggest choice lies in whether or not their underoos should have pictures of Power Rangers or Transformers on them. In the past Pixar has made children's films that are watchable to adults, but in this case we have an adult's film that's watchable to kids.

Now, adressing the "darkness" of the film the aformentioned rifle scene as well as the sight of blood on the construction worker's head when Carl beans him with his cane and the "miscarriage" scene have all been sighted as too much for children.

Does the world get qmnesia quite often or am I the only one who remembers "The Goonies" opening with several murders, Mufasa being brutally slain by Scar and Scar devoured by cackling hyenas, two bumbling crooks preparing to kill a 10-year-old Kevin McAllister, pretty much everything about "Monster Squad", Frollo quite obviously (even for kids) lusting after Esmerelda in the "Hunchback of Notre Damme", Syndrome getting sucked into the intake of a jet engine, at least 2 cases of an evil sorceress trying to poison someone in "Snow White" and "The Emperor's New Groove", a body count that ranks near 1000 in "Atlantis:The Lost Empire", and Nazi faces melting in "Raiders of the Lost Ark"? That's not even touching on any of the things in "A Nightmare Before Christmas".

So let me ask you, is a small bloody spot on a man's head from a small injury, a tastefully handled exposition of infertility (it wasn't a miscarriage, if it was they would have shown her develop a pregnant belly, the crib was just showing them getting ahead of themselves the same way they did with Paradise Falls and the wall mural), and a man firing a rifle in the general direction of a child (admittedly that was pretty hardcore, but does it really top a dead body in a walk-in freezer or a shotgun blast to a gill-man's chest?) really so horrible? Kids are more resiliant than you think. I think if I can handle "Robocop" at age 4 the average 8-year-old can handle this of all things.


As expected, Pixar outdoes itself in delivers a powerful, beautiful, and entertaining movie whose influence and themes resonate long after you've left the theater.

I give "Up" a 5 out of 5. But honestly, if you're expecting any less out of Pixar at this point you're probably an asshole.